To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

Well there is hardly going to be a written transcript, is there? Why are you so determined to disbelieve the OP? It is clear that she was very fond of the dress. On the balance of probabilities, it is more likely than not that she was clear it was a loan. If she and the daughter were in Court I can lay a bet as to which of them would stand up best under cross-examination…

It’s not that I want to disbelieve the OP, it’s that I think she’ll get over all this quicker if she gives her child the benefit of the doubt and moves on. What do you want her to do? Fall out with her daughter? Believe her daughter stole her dress on purpose and is now lying about it and trying to gaslight her? Whats all that meant to achieve?

I’ve read this four times and can’t make head nor tail of it. Goodnight.

Ok, I can explain, that fine! You said I was confusing a misunderstanding with ‘not listening’. Claiming people who disagree with you are confused or have poor reading comprehension is a tactic you and the OP have both used, and whilst it’s not very nice, it is very easy to see through!

Goodnight! I would also be reluctant to answer why I’d done it if I’d spent my evening encouraging a mother to think horrible things about her daughter over the most minor incident ever.

Be proud you have such a resourceful child, OP! Smart girl. Im sure you have loads of other dresses

It's never about the dress, it's always about the emotion around it. The next question is, is this actually a pattern of behaviour from dd or deep rooted insecurity that's in you? From what you write you've brought up someone who acts to resolve an issue when they've screwed up, in which case you've done great. Yes, she should apologise if she hasn't but maybe that's something she will learn in time. It's hard to admit you've messed up. Enjoy the dress and the holiday

🥱

Thank you! 😀

53 posts now.

you’re an adult. You’re getting another dress. Move on.

good morning! 😀

Is that 55 posts now? 😱

I love how I’m being criticised for continuing to engage with my OWN thread, and yet some posters are invested enough in a story about a stranger’s life (which clearly in no way affects them) to feel the need to repeatedly return to the thread that they disagree with, to provide a running commentary of the number of contributions an OP made 🤦🏼‍♀️
Is this really how some folk spend their weekends? 😂

I don’t think she sold it. I think something happened to it and she had hoped you’d forgotten about it because she was embarrassed or ashamed to tell you. Maybe she damaged it, or left it at the hotel or lent it to a friend and never got it back.
In any case, she’s resolved the issue. I don’t think you need to be asking the internet their opinion on this one.

Is this how you intend to spend your weekend? On a thread with no real meaning, slagging off your daughter and getting all hysterical over a dress?

Have you read the op?

Hysterical 😂😂 amazing. Also, literally nowhere have I “slagged my daughter off”, so I’d appreciate if you refrained from continued lies on my thread. And trust me; it’s far less weird that I wish to spend time engaging with my OWN thread about my OWN life, than it is that a complete stranger wishes to do so. How very odd, and frankly a bit sad. But then it takes all sorts doesn’t it….

You could say that about many Internet threads though couldn’t you? It’s not really for others to judge what folk “need” or “ought” to “ask the internet about”, is it? We all have different things that matter to us and affect us, world would be pretty boring if those topics were perfectly aligned between us all. 🙂

Are there actually issues in your relationship? You kept saying in the beginning of the thread that she’s a good, decent kid. Is she? Does she care and shows you that? Does she think about you? Help you out? Does nice things for you? And so on… especially when it matters? If yes, then blips are normal and it really isn’t that deep. If not, then yes there are bigger issues at play and the dress is red herring that everyone will focus on , rather than the real issues. You’d be better off starting a new thread.

@ChalkOutlines
Overall she is a great kid, yes. Thoughtful and considerate etc, most of the time. I’d said in a previous post this is why I was thrown by the causal dismissiveness and seeming lack of regard around this, it threw me off because it’s not really in keeping with who she is. So the purpose of the thread was me trying to make sense to that, I guess. I have also posted in my previous comments about some of the difficulties around the relationship in general, in terms of the adjustment/ transition to an adult-adult relationship with her (which is an more an adjustment for me than her, I feel). So those difficulties remain (for me), but in terms of her, she’s generally a great kid most of the time. I’m very lucky in that sense. But at a guess, that’s probably why this threw me off even more - that its not usual for her. If that makes any sense.

That’s why I said blips are normal . Most people fuck up sometimes, they can be careless, thoughtless, forgetful, or even proper dicks sometimes for various reasons. Have you never, ever inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings ? It’s important to look at the big picture and patterns of behaviour when things like this happen, rather than focus on the thing. It doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be upset and even express that upset and talk it out with your daughter. Just don’t let it become the main thing.

@ChalkOutlinesoh yeah it’s absolutely not the main thing, of course it isn’t. And of course I understand that people fuck up, however what’s different in this case is that she’s my daughter and parenting an adult is brand new territory to me; and so it’s hard not to internalise any fuck ups as my own fault because I raised her, if that makes any sense? I’m insanely harsh on myself as mum, and so I do tend to see anything like this as a reflection of something I haven’t done correctly in raising her. I do realise that’s not a healthy stance though - it’s just the type of mum I’ve always been. Always harsh on myself and wishing I could do “better” for my kids. So I’d assume this has hit me hard for that reason too (whilst I recognise this is my own insecurity)

I think it’s important to remember you’re raising humans. There’s no such thing as perfection. For you or them. You don’t have to be the perfect mother. You can’t. No one is. They don’t have to be the perfect kids. They can’t. No one is.. There definitely isn’t a recipe where you do everything right, and you get an excellent result and any failing is on the “cook”. Humans are fallible, imperfect, selfish sometimes etc. You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself and it’s not a healthy way to raise children , because their fuckups become yours (almost an extension of you, when they’re their own persons with their own personalities, faults, foibles , wants and needs)and thus so much worse in your eyes. As in this instance. Another thing to explore.

Sorry for taking over your thread, I’ll shut up now .

Absolutely agree with you - a topic to explore with my therapist for sure 🙂
And there’s no no need to apologise at all - thank you for making such a thoughtful and helpful contribution x

Lesson learned. Don't lend your favorite dress to anybody.