To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

I know it’s not the point but I’m looking for a new favourite holiday dress, OP - care to share link??

you should have a browse of my daughter’s Vinted - you might some of mine on there 😂😂

You're being unreasonable by making a whole thing of it on Mumsnet when your daughter has ready ordered it, yes.

Nope it might not be the worst thing, she isn;t saying it is the worst thing. But she has a right to be pissed off. Why is it wasting anything to be in touch with your emotions and wellbeing?

Yes apologies are just words but she’s followed it up with actions. There’s not much else she can do - what would you have mum do, fall out with her?

Agree . Can’t believe so many people don’t see this .

Because I choose to expend my energy on the stuff I can change. You can do what you want. I don't care as it has no impact on me. I just know being angry and upset is exhausting so I burn energy where I choose. In this case the old dress is gone, a new one on its way. The op says she's going through some shit, so my question is, are you focusing on this because it's easy or it really matters?

Absolutely it has no impact on someone else, but telling someone they are wrong to be angry when someone hurts them is a bit ridiculous.

I can focus on it because ppl are ridiculous saying it is wrong to feel things in life. Is there any reason why you think you should tell others what they should and shouldn't do in their life?

You are spending energy focusing on me, someone who has no impact on your life which is really weird given you said that you do not use energy on things you cannot change.....you can t change what I am talk about and yet here you are....??

Make it make sense.

There's a thread asking "why do some people attract much drama".
They should link to this thread here, it's textbook!

I’m unsure if the last question there is for me? If so, it’s difficult to articulate why I feel upset but my best guess has already been articulated really well by a couple of other posters. It’s a combination of, I hoped I’d raised her to be more respectful than this so I wonder i’ve got it wrong somewhere along the way as a mum; I thought we had a relationship based on mutual respect, but this has made me wobble a little and question it that’s truly the case; I do at times feel as a mum like I’m just there to make everyone else’s life easier and that I often am not seen as being a person in my own right with feelings that matter, and this tapped into those feelings a little for me. And also that feeling of, if my daughter tells me about something that is meaningful to her, I care enough about her to retain that information; but I’m not sure how mutual that is. And also just an overall sense of finding the transition from parenting my little girl to an adult woman quite difficult in general, and it’s bringing up a lot of uncertainty for me. I feel a sense of, I’m not sure where our relationship is at the moment - but it’s in a sort of transition phase, and I’m almost grieving what was there before, if that makes sense?

So, having dug deep there to reflect - that’s my best guess as to why this has struck something painful for me.

In other words - it’s possibly not even really about the dress. It’s about the meaning I’ve internalised about what it represents for my relationship with my daughter. And the broader insecurities around this for me. Which does help explain why it’s made me so upset, I assume.

Again, why aren't you communicating any of this to your DD?? Whether you're 'right' or not is fairly immaterial - it's clear you aren't on the same page and she clearly thinks the issue is resolved so you're not going to get the apology you feel entitled to. But you want to neither take steps to address that, nor accept it - you just want to be upset and 'shaken' about it without telling her and let unpleasant thoughts about your dd's character take up space in you brain? OK.

She's lucky she could get a replacement dress. I bought a dress a few years ago and it became my favourite; could be dressed up or down, flattering on my figure, cute but modest at the same time. As soon as I realised I'd struck gold I tried to buy a few more copies of the dress but they were sold out in the shop, and I havent found any on Ebay / Vinted (probably because everyone who owns one loves it!)

A favourite dress is a serious business!

This only happened yesterday and I haven’t seen DD in person since this exchange, we’ve only communicated briefly by text today as she’s been at work, and she’s at her boyfriend’s this evening. I posted here as a way to try to reflect on and make sense of some of my feelings, which I’d hoped would help me to decide whether or not to address it directly with her. Is that OK with you?

Nope, I’d be livid. Especially at the fact you live in the same house. She could’ve put it straight back in your wardrobe, or at least asked. I would still be annoyed, but let it go the best I can I think. I wouldn’t be lending again though that’s for sure.

It's a misunderstanding ... that is all. Do you think she thought ... I know what would really piss Mum off; I'll sell this dress that I know is only on loan!

Of course she didn't!

As soon as she realised her mistake she took steps to rectify it and you will have your dress back to take on holiday.

Really, where is the ptobelm?

Wow. Hours have gone by and still people are banging on about a “misunderstanding” when OP has confirmed that she was crystal clear about the terms of the loan. She hasn’t suggested her daughter is learning disabled or speaks a different language. “Misunderstanding” is a very convenient thing for someone to claim when they got caught out and are trying to save face. But it does not bear up to scrutiny in this case.

Yeah I think it was clear fairly early on this was about something bigger than a dress for you - but I think if you expect your daughter to be absolutely perfect at all times and start questioning your parenting every time she makes a mistake or there’s a misunderstanding, you’re going to create a world of misery for both of you. Honestly, you really really need to just forget it, forgive it, move on. She sounds great.

Oh so she hasn't even been around to see how upset and shaken you are? And in the meantime you've whipped it up into an issue she is in no way aware of. Cool. You do you.

Again, do you honestly not believe a loan v gift misunderstanding has ever happened in the history of the world? Have you never thought you’d been clear about something, but then someone misunderstood?

I think it is extremely possible it WAS a simple misunderstanding, and I feel a bit sorry for anyone who’s instinct is to think the worst of everyone - especially their own child.

Quite! I wonder if it would pass for a “misunderstanding” if I had sold an item of her clothing? Something tells me the very same posters on here telling me I’m overreacting would be telling me I’m a monumental arsehole for doing such a thing… 🤔

I have no doubt that such a misunderstanding could occur if the lender was not clear that it was a loan. But that is not the case here.

You seem to be confusing “misunderstood” with “did not listen”.

I don’t think we have any evidence of what conversation happened (we’ve heard one side of a remembered conversation from over a year ago), but we DO know from the OP that her daughter did everything in her power to rectify the situation NOW. I think if the OP’s goal is to be reasonable, that’s the most important thing.

Also you seem to have the same problem as the OP with distinguishing between ‘doesn’t understand’ / ‘is confused’ and ‘doesn’t agree with me’.

If you haven’t asked for it back since last year i also might think you didn’t want it backs Being disappointed is a bit dramatic, she made a mistake assumption, has apologised and replaced it. It sounds like just crossed wires. no big deal.