To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

YABU. She has put it right, and to be honest if you lend someone something then don’t ask for it back for a year, they’re obviously going to assume that you don’t want it back anymore.

Since you hadn't asked about it in a year, I don't blame her for forgetting or assuming you weren't bothered about getting it back.

If it's a favourite, I'd have asked for it back once she came home. Not left it for months, whatever the season.

She made a mistake. She fixed it.

I would feel the same as you, who sells other peoples property. Weird.

But if you’re “lending” something for a year, it’s reasonable to assume you aren’t bothered.

Not when it’s a summer dress and it is in a wardrobe in your own house.

Being perplexed and bewildered over this is a bit much.

@Twiningsteabagand where have you invented that I am “stropping silently” (or loudly for that matter)? I am not. I have posted word for word how the interaction went between us, and have said multiple times now that it has not been raised again since, and neither have I changed my demeanour towards DD at all. So I am in fact not remotely “stropping” - I am doing the precise opposite of that. I am doing and saying nothing and just moving on (as far as DD is aware at least), but have come to realise that it’s playing on my mind a little and so I came here to discuss it. I deeply regret that now, however, as I appear to have entered a bizarre parallel universe where we must prompt 20 year olds to “say sorry” for selling our items.

There is no doubt and it was not a misunderstanding.

indeed

Sorry but I disagree. If you want it back you take it back right after the occasion has come to an end.

@Tinycatclub ruining my own day 😂 Yet more (Incorrect) assumption. I’ve had a lovely day thank you 😀

If she's usually caring and lovely then surely the obvious explanation is that she genuinely didn't think you wanted it back? Sounds like miscommunication.

If I was your daughter I’d be cancelling the order to be honest!

I bet your kids are entitled little madams too in that case 😂

I do agree that OP should be spelling out that her behaviour was out of order and that she expects an apology.

Eh? Even though we live in the same house? Sorry but I find this so odd. If I’d borrowed one of her summer dresses, I wouldn’t DREAM of assuming she no longer wanted it because she hadn’t asked for it back over winter, let alone take it upon myself to sell it without checking with her! I’d assume she hadn’t asked because she hadn’t needed it yet, and I’d assume that unless I had her permission, I’d be a cheeky fucker to sell it without so much as a word to her!

ok, well if the OP can definitely remember word for word exactly what she said over a year ago, she’s got a much better memory than most humans! Mainly, we colour our memories with all our biases - we can’t help it.

But I’m more saying nobody including the OP can prove whether it was a misunderstanding or not, but she and her daughter (who has acted quickly to rectify the situation) will be happier quicker if she gives her the benefit of the doubt.

She's clearly not that bothered by this incident so probably doesn't think sorry is warranted. She's taken steps to rectify it - but because she hasn't said sorry you're annoyed. An oversight on her part perhaps but you've done nothing to let her know that and are silently stewing it over in your brain.

You're not moving on - you're dwelling on it and have some to get some support to do that.

Or you could just say when you lend it “I want this back” and reasonably expect that not to be interpreted as “you may sell this”?

When did I miss the memo that said all loans are negated if lender does not actively pursue return of item within a certain time period? I’m actually a lawyer and the only thing I can think of like this is that rule that says that people get to keep land that they have fenced off for 12 years if the owner doesn’t complain.

I’d be fuming 😡 she wouldn’t borrow another thing of mine that’s for sure

Yes! Presumably you could’ve asked as soon as she came home from the holiday, or again when it started getting hot over a month ago.

She’s made it right. You’re an adult. Get over it.

@HotCrossBunplease I missed this memo too 🤔😂

Oh, well you said you felt hurt and bewildered. That’s good you don’t after all then, I guess.

Honestly OP - it’s really clear you’ve just come for people to validate how you’re already feeling, rather than an actual discussion. Lots of people have said you’re being unreasonable and it’s probably best to just move on, but if you don’t want to hear that then that’s that, really.

The thing that you forget is that in social and domestic relations there is no assumed intent to form legal relations. So it’s simply a case of a 20 year old doing something a bit silly, and making it right. Sadly her mum seems unable to move on from a minor issue.

She just wants people to pile on her daughter 🤷🏻‍♀️