To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

@Tinycatclub sorry - how exactly am I being “mean”?
she said “I don’t think I’ve got it anymore, I sold it” I replied “what do you mean you sold it? It was a loan, I wanted it back?” She said “I didn’t realise you wanted it back…” I said “yes of course I do; I told you at the time it was one of my favourite dresses?” Then she said “ok well I’ll find a new one then and order it for you in time for your holiday”. I said thanks, and the conversation ended.

This is the extent of the exchange that happened between us. Since then, it’s not been raised since, but I am left feeling upset and disappointed (which I have not expressed to her).

So, what’s “mean” here, exactly, on my part?

Jeez the bar is low for teenagers in 2026. These are the adults of the future - lawmakers, healthcare professionals, teachers...why are we holding them to such low standards?

I also think it’s very telling @dressdrama26 that you are making a great effort to defend your feelings and behavior, and not challenging the people who are being really unkind about your daughter - eg calling her an entitled madam.

Agree.

Sounds like a misunderstanding and she genuinely didn’t think you wanted it back. Yes, she should have checked, but she’s apologised and immediately replaced it, so I think you really need to let this go. Being hurt and bewildered is a bit much.

Yes I agree, she’s corrected her mistake. Move on. But understand your dismay

I’m trying to imagine a scenario in which the daughter is pulling things out of the wardrobe to sell, creating listings on Vinted, agreeing a sale, packaging up the item and sending it off and at no point does it occur to her to mention to her mother, who lives in the same house “I’m listing this one, that’s OK isn’t it”?

When you list things for sale you remember exactly where they came from. So there are only 3 explanations:

1. she did not listen to a single word her mother said when she was given the dress on the express condition that it was a loan.
2. she remembered what was said but told herself that it was reasonable to assume her mother had changed her mind, based only on the fact that she had not chased her during winter to move a summer dress from her wardrobe in one room into her mother’s wardrobe in another room of the same house.
3. she wanted the cash and decided to risk it and gaslight her mother if challenged.

@HotCrossBunplease I agree entirely!

I think it’s mean to insist it wasn’t a misunderstanding because the alternative is to believe she did it on purpose (and you have no evidence of that). You’ve asked what people think - I’ve explained what I think and why and now you can either take it on board or not take it on board, agree with or disagree with…, that’s discussion!

But it wasn't. I think creating what ifs to catastrophise is bit of a waste of energy.

Has OP asked her to say the words I'm sorry and she's flatly refused? If not I'd say they're just looking at this through different priority levels. Annoying? Maybe? Worth getting worked up about in this heat? Definitely not.

@Tinycatclub
well I wholeheartedly disagree with you; but thanks for your input

@Twiningsteabag
No, I haven’t asked my almost 20 year old to “say sorry”. I’d do this with a 5 year old maybe. I’d assumed an adult wouldn’t require the same level of prompting to apologise when they’ve upset another person, especially a member of their family. But maybe I’m on a different planet here.

Ikr!

If she couldn't remember all she had to do was ask.

In fact if she was sure Op didn't want the dress she could still have asked.

They live in the same house it wouldn't have been that hard.

I think some people just don't care about other people's things once they have had the use that they wanted.

It would be on my mind to look after something as it needed returning until I had done that.

I can't be unusual in that?

Ok. I think your bar for adult parents is pretty low - I think they should be able to take part in discussions without thinking people who disagree with them are gaslighters; I would expect a parent to not just go along with strangers calling their children entitled little madams; and I’d expect them to try to manage their emotions.

I'd be really annoyed with this OP. If she's usually considerate and responsible maybe she finds it hard to be caught so obviously in the wrong and is brazening it out a bit. I think you're right to drop it but I sympathise.

You know her daughter can't hear them, right?

I find it astounding that people here have put it on the OP that she never 'asked for it back'. If you borrow something in good faith, its on the borrower to return, unprompted. It wouldn't cross my mind to sell anything I'd borrowed

It might do her some good if she did!!

ok, well you disagree with me suggesting you try to give your child the benefit of doubt, but not the posters saying horrible things about your her, so maybe you’re right - you are a clear communicator after all!

@Tinycatclub you HAVE to be on the wind up at this point 😂

I do, but I would challenge people saying mean things about my family whether they could hear them or not.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. It was an awful thing to do! Don't care if she "fixed it" like everyone is saying. She should never have sold it.

And that I should perhaps have asked her to say sorry. At age 20. Mind blown.

I’m genuinely not. I think you need to give your daughter the benefit of the doubt, accept it was a misunderstanding, and stop ruining your own day!

If she's normally a decent human being then I think stropping silently because she hasn't responded how you'd like is ridiculous.

It sounds to me like she really doesn't think it's the big deal you're making it into - and her lack of saying sorry simply reflects that, not any malice on her part. So you can carry on waiting for her to magically behave in a specific way - or you can tell her a lack of a sorry has made you feel disrespected/upset and allow her to respond.