To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

Did she think you had given it to her? It is possible you meant one thing but it could be interpreted another way.

My mum gave me a silk wrap of hers once. She definitely gave it to me. There was a whole bit about why did so and so ever give me this, I'd never wear it, it's not my style etc etc. I had it for a good few years, then I had a sort out and it went in the charity pile. A few years later, she asked for it for an event. I couldn't find it and at that point I'd forgotten I'd given it away. Then for ages she asked and asked relentlessly. When I remembered, I had to tell her and she was so annoyed. In her mind it was a loan only.

I am quite wary now of accepting anything from her. Weirdly I have given her actual wrapped presents and a few months, years later she gives them back. "I've still got this book/ scarf, earrings etc from you." "Yes I gave them to you - to keep." Weird.

Clearly a misunderstanding and she has fixed her mistake. Don't understand why you are ruminating on this - you get a new version of your favourite dress and no harm done..

She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back

Why wouldn't she just give it straight back after washing it?

It's thoughtless - the kind of carelessness a lovely teen can blindside you with. So you're not unreasonable to be upset but she has taken responsibility and ordered a replacement and paid for fast delivery, indicating she isn't trying to brazen it out and does realise that it was wrong and is making amends.
So forgive and forget aa long as it was a one off!

Just sounds like a misunderstanding. If she genuinely was careless and unbothered then she wouldn’t have tried to rectify it so quickly. I get why you’d be pissed off initially but given the way she has dealt with it I would let it go. Certainly not worth holding a grudge over.

Is the replacement identical OP? I can’t think of any retailer that still has the same stock it did over a year ago.

She was thoughtless then thoughtful.

How did she manage to find another one though??

Cross post! Maybe she’s bought OPs original dress off Vinted!!!

I doubt she thought it was a gift. She was trying to make money and hoped her mother wouldn’t notice it had gone.

@ilovesushi I was definitely clear at the time that it was a loan. I just don’t think she paid attention to that.

How exactly does a neurotypical teen “misunderstand”

I’d made it clear it was to borrow not keep as it’s one of my favourites.?

Feels bit like people are trying to gaslight you OP. They’ll be saying you have dementia next.

I think it most likely WAS a misunderstanding as she’s acted so quickly to rectify it. You might have thought you communicated clearly, but that doesn’t mean you did. You’re also remembering a conversation from more than a year ago, and human memories are notoriously unreliable!

You’re making a choice not to give her the benefit of the doubt - you’re choosing to believe she stole your dress on purpose and is now lying about it. That will make BOTH of you sad.

@Tinycatclub I don’t think I’ve said I believe any of those things? I’ve said I’m upset and shocked at the thoughtlessness of it. I don’t think she’s been malicious as such - but I do think she’s been thoughtless with my property. And I’m allowed to feel disappointed with her for that.

It does feel a little like this!

If it’s from a high street shop it’s really easy to find things on Vinted. A weird quirk of mine is to look for my old clothes on Vinted. Not the actual pieces obviously, but the same dress.

I often think, remember that Karen Millen dress I wore to a wedding in 2004? I then go on Vinted to see if I can find the same dress. I always find it. Every time.

Obviously it’s from a French boutique on the Kings Road or a market stall in Marrakesh from 1989 you’ve got no chance. But if it’s Topshop, Warehouse, Oasis, Reiss, m&S, Miss Selfridge, French connection etc in the last 25 years , you’ll find it.

She made a mistake. She is rectifying it. Move on.

And in the right size? Wow

You might not have said it out loud, but if you continue to believe your daughter sold a dress she DID know you wanted then you do believe she stole it from you, and if you continue to believe she’s not being truthful saying it was a misunderstanding, then you do think she’s lying. The situation has been resolved so smoothly by your daughter, I don’t understand not just moving on; it’s going to hurt both of you to keep believing those things and holding that grudge. You’re allowed to feel disappointed of course, but equally she’s allowed to feel hurt if you continue with it.

@Tinycatclub if you see my previous posts you’ll see that I am not “continuing with it” as far as she is concerned. As I’ve already said, it’s not been mentioned since she said she’d order me a new one and fast track delivery. I am coming here instead to discuss and reflect on how it’s made me feel and to gauge if my feelings are reasonable or not. But I have not mentioned it since to DD and have not changed in how I am towards her.

@dressdrama26 if she hasn’t said for sure that she definitely sold it, my guess is that she damaged it (so dumped it) or lost it (somehow).

I lent a dress to my SIL for her holiday, which she said she left over the balcony and it blew away. There was no offer of replacing it though ☹️

Yeah, to me replacing the dress with someone else's version of the same one doesn't make up for doing it in the first place if she's not apologised and explained why she did it. I'd be really concerned about her ethics and values TBH.

She sounds like a spoilt entitled madam and not a very good person TBH. Not sure where you saw characteristics that made you think otherwise?

Ok, well my answer to your question is: no, I don’t think you’re being reasonable; I think you’re being mean. Your daughter sounds really nice though, and I think you should feel proud of her for taking responsibility and rectifying the situation so quickly.

She hasn't apologised, not sure why you think she feels sorry? And so what if she lent it last summer - that doesn't make it the DD's possession to sell!?

She made a mistake and has ordered you a new one, as a one off I think you need to just move on.