To be upset with DD for this?

[dressdrama26]

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

@OP please can you confirm whether the replacement dress is identical?
All this “she’s made it right” is getting on my tits.

I voted unreasonable because she’s resolved it, I think it was a genuine mistake if I lent my daughter something, once it came out the wash it would go back in my room - not hers. I think the fact she had it since last summer she assumed it was hers, it was explained to her that it wasn’t and she fixed it. Be glad you have such a lovely girl.

@Tinycatclub

This is my last reply to you, because you don’t read or understand anything I’ve said, and it’s draining.

1. I DO feel hurt and bewildered. Those emotions can exist without my day being entirely “ruined”, as you implied.
2. i have absolutely taken on board the comments that didn’t agree with me initially - as you’d have seen if you’d read all my posts. Only a few posts in, in fact, I conceded that perhaps I was unreasonable. And then other posters challenged that - and so I engaged with those too.

It’s close enough - not identical but very similar, and same retailer.

Does she sell a lot on Vinted? I wonder if something happened to dress on holiday and she was hoping she’d get away with it, then came up with an excuse , which is why it came across as thoughtless and careless when she’s not actually like that.

I think you are misunderstanding me. I didn’t say that legal relations were created. I was referring to some supposed social convention that everyone is spouting here viz. if you don’t ask for it back it doesn’t matter that you initially said it was a loan. When did that become a thing?

bit inconsiderate but she is your daughter and has put it right by buying you another one. I dont begrudge my kids anything

Weird of her to sell it! If you live in the same house it’s reasonable to expect she would have asked you first?
But, if she’s ordered an identical replacement, no harm done and perhaps she’ll think more about your possessions in the future?

You know that at 20, brains aren’t fully developed and 20 year olds still behave a lot like teens. Reckless risk taking is part of typical behaviour, being absorbed in their own world and needs and wants is typical behaviour. On the whole, nearly 20 year olds DO need correcting and help with their behaviour and attitude.This includes apologising. She may not even know you’re upset if the conversation really did go down as you said it did. If you’re upset, then have an adult conversation with her and model rupture and repair. You can’t expect her to read your mind and know you were upset if you didn’t tell her. I know to us it’s obvious it could upset someone….but she’s 19!!!!

OP, I don’t understand why you seem intent on seeing the worst in your daughter? Why haven’t you defended her against people calling her names? Even if my daughter couldn’t see it, I’d defend someone calling her names.

And - at the end of the day - it’s just a dress. This is totally a first world problem. And it doesn’t sound like she has form for behaviour like this in the past. She’s not going to be perfect. Let it go.

You are over reacting here. If if was that long ago it probably just got mixed in with things.

why did husband ask for it back and not you asking for it?

It wasn't just words though: she has replaced it.

OP if it really is a like for like replacement, just move on.

@itchyelbowsandswollenankles
No, I don’t want people to pile on my daughter.

Firstly that’s a bit silly because my daughter isn’t on the thread. Secondly, I came here to explore my own feelings about this, conceded a few posts in that I may have been unreasonable for feeling this way, and then continued to debate with other posters (who both agreed and did not agree with me). Thirdly, many thanks for your input - however since it’s mostly incorrect assumptions and (presumably) some projection on your part, I shall not engage further with you.

Understanding you and agreeing with you are just different things unfortunately! I understand perfectly well what you believe, I just think it’s sad for your daughter that you do!

Eh? What’s my husband got to do with this?😂

I suppose it's your own fault for not asking for it back after she borrowed it.😂
In my world people automatically give it back after using said item. Mb thats just us 😆

I suspect something happened to the dress OP, and she hoped that if she said nothing, you would forget about it.

In my world people automatically give it back after using said item. Mb thats just us

No it's us as well.

OP, you were never going to get a reasoned response to this.
Mumsnet is full of crazy fuckers who delight in putting the boot in, and where the smallest of matters (as this will become) are minutely examined, commented on, and the wildest of speculations made.
I will endeavour to make you feel a little better…my lovely dd is being taking on an all expenses paid holiday (paid for by me) and I suggested we could stay another few days because of the way the bank holiday falls this year.
Bear in mind it’s a holiday abroad, I pay for absolutely everything, she’s a university student so obviously always skint.
Her reply to me? “ Nah mum, I’ll have had enough by then” 🤣
I tried not to take it personally 🤣🤣🤣

YANBU! And that’s the current poll result ☺️

I have two young adults and I'm finding I'm having to lay down that my stuff IS MY STUFF not generally available to the entire family as a resource. I'm assuming that this is part of the uneven and unpredictable process of learning that just as they are becoming autonomous adults their mother is also an autonomous adult - in fact she always was! I think because I have been generous with sharing - partly of course, to set the example, now they're earning for themselves the new system of 'geroff of my stuff', is a bit of a shock. Well done to you and your DD for resolving this so quickly - hopefully it won't happen again. But I'd do a full inventory of your skin care and make up just in case!

OK, so it does seem that you consider yourself to have been adequately compensated for your loss, which is good. With an element of betterment, actually, as you are getting new-for-old.

However, your remaining issue is the disappointment you feel that your daughter clearly doesn’t listen to you, did not give you a second thought when she arranged the sale, and has not realised without prompting that what she did was inappropriate. This has shaken your faith in her character.

I guess all I can say is I empathise with you, and it’s a shame that she will now think it was all sorted by buying you another one. But I can see why you have chosen to vent here instead of saying anything more to her.

It sound like this IS what happened though 🤷‍♀️

I have said this before about teen using mum's stuff but I hope she has learned not to do it. If she did it to a friend it could come back and bite her in the bum.

I think people who start selling stuff on vinted actually get addicted to it and are constantly looking round thinking what else they can sell.

I just don’t think there’s any evidence at all it wasn’t a misunderstanding, and I think it’s really weird the OP both wants to think the worst of her daughter and also seems to be perfectly fine with other people saying quite nasty things about her.