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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being homophobic?

297 replies

ComfyComet · 10/07/2026 11:04

DS is 22, DP isn't his bio dad but we've been together since he was 12, living together since he was 17. He has 2 boys of his own 14 and 12.

DS is gay and we only found out recently that he has a bf as the friend wasn't out to anyone, this is the first time meeting him as they met at uni (DS has just finished his last year and is planning to do his masters) and he's now home for the summer.

His bf came to visit last Friday for a few days and he seems nice enough but he's very quiet which is fine but DP has said it's rude that he isn't talking to us

On Saturday his bf was unwell and long story short he had appendicitis and had surgery and then a few days later it got infected so he had to go to hospital again he's still staying with us and recovering.

Tomorrow SC are due to come for the weekend and DP is saying he wants bf to go home before then as “it's not appropriate for then to share their space with someone they've never met” I personally don't think this is the reason. He's been going on about how DS’s room was a mess yesterday and blamed bf although DS said it was him as he was sorting things for vinted. Dp also said I shouldn't cook a meal for someone who hasn't spoke much as yesterday I cooked dinner and both ds and his bf had some but DS has been doing most the cooking for them

AIBU ti think he's being homophobic but just making excuses to try and cover it up

OP posts:
OriginalSkang · 10/07/2026 11:06

I think he's being a dick, but I don't see any evidence from what you've said that its homophobia

Lexibletheflexible · 10/07/2026 11:07

Yeah, I do.

BirdLandedonmyHead · 10/07/2026 11:08

If the poor boy has appendicitis, its not surprising hes been quiet.

MaybeMoving2025 · 10/07/2026 11:08

I can’t tell if it’s homophobia, or if your husband just isn’t very nice. Is he usually like this?

FunStork · 10/07/2026 11:08

There's nothing there to suggest he's homophobic.

I'd not be happy about a 12 year being next door to a step sibling having sex either.

WonsWoo · 10/07/2026 11:09

Only you know what his true intention is.

I don't think it's completely unreasonable to not want an adult who is pretty much a stranger staying in the house when there are teens there but if this is a genuine concern of your DHs surely he would have thought of it before.

It does sound like an excuse. How do you feel about the boyfriend - is he being rude or is he just a bit shy and also feeling presumably lousy so not very chatty.

DjokovicsTowel · 10/07/2026 11:09

Potentially, depends if he'd be like that if your DS brought a girl home. Does sound like he wanted to say "in a house with a gay" but caught himself

Regardless, he's been quite rude. This young man is recovering from quite a nasty surgery by the sound of it. Does he expect him to be dancing around making small talk? And the room is adult DS's, it's up to him to keep it tidy and if he's sorting out then it might be a mess. Frankly, at 22, unless it's a health hazard, it's down to him how he keeps it anyway!

HoppityBun · 10/07/2026 11:10

“it's not appropriate for then to share their space with someone they've never met”

I don’t understand this. Who are the them and the theys? Do you mean because your DP hasn’t met the bf?

He’s being small minded

Lindy2 · 10/07/2026 11:10

The poor lad has just had his appendix out whilst staying at someone else's house. That must have been very stressful for him.

I was completely wiped out after I had appendicitis so I expect he is still feeling quite unwell. Your partner is being an absolute prat by complaining that he's not chatting enough!

Unfortunately, your partner does seem to have an issue with your son having his partner stay. I hope you prioritise your son here and make him feel welcome in his own home along with his boyfriend.

Your partner needs to stop his complaining.

Thundertoast · 10/07/2026 11:10

Okay, so on its own im not sure why you're saying this if im honest, so can you give us a bit more of an idea of background here? I can see why it would be frustrating for a virtual stranger to be in your space for so long, although sort of understandable if he's quiet in general and has been unwell that he's not talkative??? He has just had surgery! Has he actually been rude at all or just socially awkward?

Has your DP ever said something outright homophobic or subtle/adjacent (comments about certain things not being 'manly' etc)

How did he react to DS coming out?

Has he ever raised concerns about his children sharing their space with someone theyve never met before?

DjokovicsTowel · 10/07/2026 11:11

FunStork · 10/07/2026 11:08

There's nothing there to suggest he's homophobic.

I'd not be happy about a 12 year being next door to a step sibling having sex either.

Being as the BF is currently suffering after surgery, I doubt much sex will happen
And that's not the concern raised anyway

TickyTacky · 10/07/2026 11:11

FunStork · 10/07/2026 11:08

There's nothing there to suggest he's homophobic.

I'd not be happy about a 12 year being next door to a step sibling having sex either.

Why would you think that somebody who is recovering from surgery which has become infected, is having sex? Why would that even cross your mind?

OP, does your dh have form for behaving in such an uncaring manner, or is this unusual for him? If it's unusual then yes, sadly, it would seem he's being homophobic. I wouldn't want him around my son in either case tbh.

bigboykitty · 10/07/2026 11:11

I reckon if your idiot husband keeps kicking off, it's the last you'll see of your son's boyfriend and quite possibly your son. Appendicitis is awful. He's recovering from surgery, not having a shaggathon.

BauhausOfEliott · 10/07/2026 11:12

FunStork · 10/07/2026 11:08

There's nothing there to suggest he's homophobic.

I'd not be happy about a 12 year being next door to a step sibling having sex either.

You think they're going to be doing a lot of shagging while one of them's recovering from an infected appendectomy?

Also, why is a 12-year-old's adult sibling having sex with their partner in private any different to the 12-year-old's parents having sex in private?

CornishDaughteroftheDawn · 10/07/2026 11:12

Your DP being uncomfortable with the situation and not wanting to involve his kids is not necessarily homophobia. I do think he could have more sympathy for the boyfriend though.

Why is he staying with you after surgery and has not gone home to his parents?

ValueofNothing · 10/07/2026 11:12

FunStork · 10/07/2026 11:08

There's nothing there to suggest he's homophobic.

I'd not be happy about a 12 year being next door to a step sibling having sex either.

The BF is recovering from major surgery.

Charys · 10/07/2026 11:12

Maybe he doesn’t really like the houseguest. Could it be possible? Or must it be an ophobia? Most dislikes called ophobias these days, as a shaming technique.

TheWildZebra · 10/07/2026 11:13

FunStork · 10/07/2026 11:08

There's nothing there to suggest he's homophobic.

I'd not be happy about a 12 year being next door to a step sibling having sex either.

Can’t imagine there’ll be a lot of sex happening if he’s just had an operation for appendicitis.

Maaate · 10/07/2026 11:13

FunStork · 10/07/2026 11:08

There's nothing there to suggest he's homophobic.

I'd not be happy about a 12 year being next door to a step sibling having sex either.

No different to being next door to a step parent having sex (or any consenting adult in their own room)🤷‍♀️

Onlyoneshot · 10/07/2026 11:14

Yeah, if this is out of character for him he's being homophobic and you need to protect your son and his partner.

If this is in character for him he's a really unpleasant man, and you need to protect your son and his partner and yourself.

Sartre · 10/07/2026 11:14

How long has he been staying with you? Maybe this is his way of saying he’s been here too long and I’d like him to bugger off now. It’s fair enough to be honest if he’s been there weeks, especially if he hasn’t contributed.

takealettermsjones · 10/07/2026 11:16

He's being weird, but it's difficult to tell whether it's homophobia or not. Why was he going in his room though?

FunStork · 10/07/2026 11:17

Sartre · 10/07/2026 11:14

How long has he been staying with you? Maybe this is his way of saying he’s been here too long and I’d like him to bugger off now. It’s fair enough to be honest if he’s been there weeks, especially if he hasn’t contributed.

He's been staying a week now and the OP's husband said he was rude after the first day.

I'd be wanting him to go home as well - not least cos it's much better for rest and recuperation than staying in a strange house.

OutInTheWild · 10/07/2026 11:17

In our house, no boyfriends or girlfriends stayed over until our youngest was 18. I wouldn’t have wanted my under 18 kids sleeping in a house with someone they didn’t know, especially a man, so I think he has a point.

BauhausOfEliott · 10/07/2026 11:17

CornishDaughteroftheDawn · 10/07/2026 11:12

Your DP being uncomfortable with the situation and not wanting to involve his kids is not necessarily homophobia. I do think he could have more sympathy for the boyfriend though.

Why is he staying with you after surgery and has not gone home to his parents?

What 'situation' is there to be uncomfortable with? And how are his kids 'involved'?

His kids have an adult stepsibling and the adult stepsibling has a partner. That's not really a 'situation' and they're not 'involved' in it. It's just normal family life.

My sister's 10 years older than me and her partner stayed over night all the time, and came on holiday with us a couple of times, when I was a child.