To think DP is being homophobic?

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DS is 22, DP isn't his bio dad but we've been together since he was 12, living together since he was 17. He has 2 boys of his own 14 and 12.

DS is gay and we only found out recently that he has a bf as the friend wasn't out to anyone, this is the first time meeting him as they met at uni (DS has just finished his last year and is planning to do his masters) and he's now home for the summer.

His bf came to visit last Friday for a few days and he seems nice enough but he's very quiet which is fine but DP has said it's rude that he isn't talking to us

On Saturday his bf was unwell and long story short he had appendicitis and had surgery and then a few days later it got infected so he had to go to hospital again he's still staying with us and recovering.

Tomorrow SC are due to come for the weekend and DP is saying he wants bf to go home before then as “it's not appropriate for then to share their space with someone they've never met” I personally don't think this is the reason. He's been going on about how DS’s room was a mess yesterday and blamed bf although DS said it was him as he was sorting things for vinted. Dp also said I shouldn't cook a meal for someone who hasn't spoke much as yesterday I cooked dinner and both ds and his bf had some but DS has been doing most the cooking for them

AIBU ti think he's being homophobic but just making excuses to try and cover it up

He’s being a berk don’t tolerate it.

Really unacceptable behaviour from you DP, you need to put your foot down with this and have your sons back.

This did your ds ask if his bf could initially come and stay, and then again if he could stay for the recovery period or say how long he expects that to be?
have seen so many posts on here where an adult child moves their partner in by stealth and they end up being fed and watered by the op with no acknowledgment or thanks.

It wasn't when he moved in 5 years ago....

There is also a huge difference having your children stay at a house with a strange man in it when you are not there.

To having a man in your house whilst you and your partner are also present

I would rather kick your OH out than your son's poorly boyfriend.
Be careful - if your OH continues to inspect his room and make sly comments about 'gays' your son will soon stop coming home.
I really cannot see any threat to your stepchildren from a man recovering from a very nasty operation/infection.

He's got used to having the house and you to himself while DS is at uni is my guess…
I don’t think many people would be chatty if they’ve had appendicitis with complications either! Can you not take him home to his parents? Nothing worse than being away from home if you’re ill, assuming he has a loving family of course. If it was my DS I’d have collected him from the hospital!

Have you found out why she is tolerating this? Do you know whose house it is? What if this is DP's house and if she does not tolerate this, she will end up kicked out of the house, with her DS and no means to support herself? Do you know she is financially independent? Who will have to leave this accommodation if she 'does not tolerate this'?

I hate it when people seem to be gleefully pushing for others to break up, divorce, etc. without being able to analyse all potential consequences.

Tbh, hypothetically like fuck will I fall out with my trusted, old, loved partner over strangers, politics, climate change or virtue-signalling.

The problem is I'm uneasy with OP garnering support for her DP being homophobic, as that should be irrelevant to safeguarding anyway.

We all know how badly overlooking basic safeguarding for fear of being labelled homophobic has gone recently, every situation should be taken at face value.

It is a risk to have a 22 year old man, who they don't know from Adam, sleeping in the house with young siblings, end of. His sexual orientation is irrelevant.

Not being comfortable about people being gay in your home, or around your children, is homophobia.

Stop letting him dictate to you what you do for your own son. Ask him if he's feel the same if it was a gf DS had not a bf. His reactions and answers will be very telling.

It would seem from your DH comment that yes, he might have some issues with your son being gay, but quite apart from that he just seems to be lacking in humanity.
Your son’s BF is likely feeling very vulnerable and possibly in a lot of pain, and providing him with a safe and welcoming place to recuperate is a lovely (and IMO the right) thing to do. What a good example you’d be showing the younger kids! Can’t your DP put himself in the shoes of your sons BF or his parents who would be very grateful?
In terms of it being ‘appropriate’ for the younger kids to be there at the same time, I don’t see the issue. One of their parents will be in the house as well - parenting.
Finally, if your DS had a new GF in the same position would your DH want them to leave too? If he wouldn’t then it possibly points to homophobia.

Except he had already known them 5 years at that point (they've been together 10 years), are you being purposely obtuse??

OP didn't even know about this boyfriend or ever met him/talked to him until he turned up on their doorstep to stay over, I'd have no problem him staying over, but not with young siblings sleeping there.

Why does your partner think he can go in your son’s room Terrible behaviour.Who owns the house you live in? The bf must sense he is not welcome.You need to stand your ground and defend these 2 boys from your DP ‘s behaviour.

Why does their not knowing him increase to risk? The risk of pedophilia generally comes from people they do know.

If your DS was a DD, and your partner's children were also young teenage girls, and your daughter's adult boyfriend was in the house recovering from an operation, would you think your partner unreasonable to ask the boyfriend to go home?

It can come from anyone. It is more likely to be people they know because people they know are more likely to be inside their house.

There are 2 issues here as I see it. One. He may or may not be homophobic.

Two. Your child having a boyfriend to stay, who isn’t talking to anyone, and is having and recovering from surgery isn’t really appropriate when you don’t know him at all. What’s his home life background? I’d be trying to get him back to where he lives if feasible.

I wouldn’t want an unwell relative stranger hanging around my house indefinitely, especially when your DP’s kids are coming for the weekend.

I think the bf has outstayed his welcome and dp wants some space back for when sc arrive. I don't think that's unreasonable. I can't see anything obviously homophobic about it.

Tricky one - I think it’s fair enough to have the conversation that there will be younger children in the house so could DS and his partner keep it clean while they are here.

But other factors play into this - is this your home originally (ie is this the only home DS has known since divorce) or is it a house you jointly purchased? If the former, then I’d be saying that DS has an especially strong right to have his friend stay - and as far as the younger kids are concerned, that is all he needs to be referred to. They will join the dots without over-egging it. They will be far more tolerant and accepting than their dad sounds.

Is it homophobia? Hard to tell. If you hand on heart don’t think he would have asked a girlfriend that the kids had never met to go home, then yes it’s homophobia. And you need to have a conversation about that because it’s core to your marriage as to whether you could realistically stay with someone who doesn’t understand or support your son.

You must've seen him acting homophobic before? If he really is.

Or he thinks your visitors are homophobic? But doesn't want to say that openly?

It could just be he's sick of the lad staying and doesn't especially like his personality. Not necessarily down to his sex. If he was a girl acting the same he could get equally fed up?

Not remotely true!

Being gay and cos playing at being the opposite sex have zero in common.

Most of the gay people I know (DS is gay), don’t want anything to do with agressive Trans folk and would rather they stopped hijacking LGB events. 🤷🏻‍♀️

DS said they've been dating a while but we didn't know as his bf wasn't out to anyone (not even their friends), he now is out to some friends and we know about the relationship but his parents don't so it's not possible for DS to go and stay with him. Plus DS has a new job he's starting on Monday.

It also feels unreasonable to make him go home on a hot train during this heatwave when he still isn't feeling 100%

He's possibly masking his homophobia behind these petty slights. For sure.

Or he could genuinely feel uncomfortable around a person who seems quiet and reserved. It puts some people on edge. But he should get over it for the sake of your son.

So it's difficult to know. Have you asked him directly what his problem is?

Oh and what is the deal with him dictating who you can and can't cook a meal for? Is this standard behaviour from him?

He probably doesn’t want his 12 year old seeing or hearing two guys being physical in that way, not unusual - he probably doesn’t want to see or hear it himself either. Completely normal and reasonable and not hompohobia imho but I think public physical displays of affection even between straight people can sometimes be gross and out of place. Maybe it’s a class or standards thing.