To think DP is being homophobic?

[ComfyComet]

DS is 22, DP isn't his bio dad but we've been together since he was 12, living together since he was 17. He has 2 boys of his own 14 and 12.

DS is gay and we only found out recently that he has a bf as the friend wasn't out to anyone, this is the first time meeting him as they met at uni (DS has just finished his last year and is planning to do his masters) and he's now home for the summer.

His bf came to visit last Friday for a few days and he seems nice enough but he's very quiet which is fine but DP has said it's rude that he isn't talking to us

On Saturday his bf was unwell and long story short he had appendicitis and had surgery and then a few days later it got infected so he had to go to hospital again he's still staying with us and recovering.

Tomorrow SC are due to come for the weekend and DP is saying he wants bf to go home before then as “it's not appropriate for then to share their space with someone they've never met” I personally don't think this is the reason. He's been going on about how DS’s room was a mess yesterday and blamed bf although DS said it was him as he was sorting things for vinted. Dp also said I shouldn't cook a meal for someone who hasn't spoke much as yesterday I cooked dinner and both ds and his bf had some but DS has been doing most the cooking for them

AIBU ti think he's being homophobic but just making excuses to try and cover it up

He’s not unknown he’s her sons partner.

OP is this young man’s mother and his partner is potentially her son in law. A messy bedroom won’t cause any harm. Directing DS’s partner to his parents’ house could wreck her relationship with her biological child, if that’s the way we are supposed to divide family loyalties these days.

Why don’t you speak up and ask him these questions that we are all bewildered by OP?

Right Oli, have you told your Mum you are here? Where does she think you are? Does she know you’ve had surgery? Who was your Next of Kin when you had your surgery?

I think it’s time you had your family around you. Do you want us to drop you back to your parents house? Or back to your university accommodation? We’re going to have two teenage boys here soon and they’ll drive you mad, you need to rest properly.

Seems you’re all dancing around this boy none of you had even met this time last week. And he is barely speaking. What an odd situation.

Yes, exactly. If I found out either of my children (20 and 23) had been rushed to hospital and had emergency surgery whilst staying with a friend/partner’s family - who up to that moment were complete strangers to them- and nobody had told me, I’d both both sad and angry. I would consider the family concerned to be irresponsible in not doing their utmost to persuade my child to contact me. @ComfyComet OP- how would you feel if it was the other way round and it was your son who been hospitalised and operated on whilst staying with people he’d never clapped eyes on before, without you knowing anything about it?

Maybe because he’s a 20year old recovering from abdominal surgery?? Few teen boys are at risk from a young man who isn’t being put on a train because the op worries he’s not recovered enough yet to… catch two trains in the heat.

The parents haven’t been told because he hadn’t told them he’s gay and doesn’t know how to explain away staying with a male friends family. I agree you’d usually be ok John what’s your mums number they have to know, this complicates that a lot- not sure what I’d do!

She knows he hasn’t told his parents because he hasn’t told them he is gay and can’t explain staying at a male friends family. I don’t know if I’d tell the parents here, ordinary I most certainly would.

That seems odd, people go to stay with friends in university all the time.

What an assumption, the poor guy is recovering from an operation!

I might be on my own here but I’d struggle having someone I didn’t know well in my house all the time. Why is he recovering in your home? My sons partner has stayed for a day or 2 but I’d struggle with that amount so early on. I’d equally have struggled being a teenager and going to stay with someone who I barely know. After the relationship has been well establish fair enough but doesn’t sound like it has been. I strongly suspect I have asd though and know I’m different from the norm but people staying in my home other than immediate family exhausts me

It’s not just her home, it’s her family home, he’s been there just over a week and her son has known him for years.

of course his partner can stay, how odd.

son has known him for years.

Why make shit up and state it as fact? You don't know that as it's not in OPs posts, she said he met him at uni that is all.

That could be anywhere from years to a few weeks.. but the fact that they have never heard about him, met him, even as a 'friend' and there son has only recently come out as gay, points towards this being a relatively new relationship and he is happy to now share with his family.

If anyone in the house is uncomfortable with people they don't know staying, then they shouldn't be made to put up with it, especially with minors in the house, it really doesn't matter what you think, or what you find 'odd'.

He may not be consciously homophobic but there might be some unconscious bias there. To call it out would not be helpful. He’d be insulted and deny it.
just contiimue to support your son and his bf.
tell your husband that’s your intention.
it’s not up for discussion.

The question is, would your husband be reacting like this if your son’s partner was a girl. I suspect not.

Erm it’s me and my partner who pay the mortgage and its important that I feel comfortable in my own home. Doesn’t matter how long my child has known someone, I would need to build that relationship first before someone is staying weeks in my home

Me me me. If someone staying in your home became acutely ill, requiring surgery and then a post-surgery infection, I think you'd have to put yourself second for a while.

I think we aren’t supposed to mention that a lot of men were approached by older gay men, when they were underage/ at school and have ptsd. I think maybe we are on a censorship edge here.

don’t mention the facts that might undermine pride.

That's not what you said and I hope you won't repeat it.

There’s no point in me repeating it, clearly?! It got deleted in 3 seconds!

Strange comment from you. Feeling ok, hun?

Yeah if he can go for walks I am assuming he can be dropped off at his own family. My young children and my own wellbeing becomes before someone I don’t know well

Unless his parents already have a strong sense that their son is gay, I find it hard to believe that just staying at a friend’s house in the summer holidays would arouse any suspicion. He could just say something like he was staying at Jack’s for few days, because they were going to see a gig, but got ill, so needs to come home now. That sounds totally normal. But seeing as he didn’t and then ended up in hospital, having surgery, got an infection, the full works, and still didn’t tell them anything, he has rather made a rod for his own back now.