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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being homophobic?

297 replies

ComfyComet · 10/07/2026 11:04

DS is 22, DP isn't his bio dad but we've been together since he was 12, living together since he was 17. He has 2 boys of his own 14 and 12.

DS is gay and we only found out recently that he has a bf as the friend wasn't out to anyone, this is the first time meeting him as they met at uni (DS has just finished his last year and is planning to do his masters) and he's now home for the summer.

His bf came to visit last Friday for a few days and he seems nice enough but he's very quiet which is fine but DP has said it's rude that he isn't talking to us

On Saturday his bf was unwell and long story short he had appendicitis and had surgery and then a few days later it got infected so he had to go to hospital again he's still staying with us and recovering.

Tomorrow SC are due to come for the weekend and DP is saying he wants bf to go home before then as “it's not appropriate for then to share their space with someone they've never met” I personally don't think this is the reason. He's been going on about how DS’s room was a mess yesterday and blamed bf although DS said it was him as he was sorting things for vinted. Dp also said I shouldn't cook a meal for someone who hasn't spoke much as yesterday I cooked dinner and both ds and his bf had some but DS has been doing most the cooking for them

AIBU ti think he's being homophobic but just making excuses to try and cover it up

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 10/07/2026 11:18

It could be homophobia; it could be that sharing your living space with a houseguest you don’t know can be awkward, especially if they’ve stayed longer than planned. DH is being unkind, and it doesn’t sound like a pleasant situation for anyone.

Is there a concerning background which DH is worried DS is getting muddled up in? It’s unusual that the boyfriend’s parents didn’t come to collect him from hospital to take him home to them, and that he’s with you instead.

FunStork · 10/07/2026 11:18

OutInTheWild · 10/07/2026 11:17

In our house, no boyfriends or girlfriends stayed over until our youngest was 18. I wouldn’t have wanted my under 18 kids sleeping in a house with someone they didn’t know, especially a man, so I think he has a point.

This.

takealettermsjones · 10/07/2026 11:19

OutInTheWild · 10/07/2026 11:17

In our house, no boyfriends or girlfriends stayed over until our youngest was 18. I wouldn’t have wanted my under 18 kids sleeping in a house with someone they didn’t know, especially a man, so I think he has a point.

He would have had a point if he wasn't the step dad 😂

FunStork · 10/07/2026 11:20

OP - how old is the bf and do you know if his parents are aware of what happened, and if they want to ie collect him?

LightlyRoamingOcelots · 10/07/2026 11:20

No idea whether there's homophobia there but I completely agree that it's inappropriate for DP's kids to be staying in a house with a totally unknown unrelated adult. I am sure if I was the mum of his kids I would be kicking up a shitstorm if I knew there was going to be an entirely unknown other adult in the house overnight and there was a recent thread about exactly this with a mum being unhappy about her ex taking her kids to stay with gran when gran (in her 50s iirc) had a new boyfriend, and everyone agreed with her that it was entirely inappropriate. Sorry to hear that the lad was poorly but he needs to go elsewhere while the kids are there.

CelticSilver · 10/07/2026 11:21

Does this remind anyone of Harry Enfield?

MimiGC · 10/07/2026 11:22

Is there any safe and comfortable way of transporting this poor young man back to his own home for recuperation? He must be miserable at yours. He needs TLC form his own family. Your DS could go with him if that’s what they’d like.

FunStork · 10/07/2026 11:22

Am confused by this:

His bf came to visit last Friday for a few days and he's very quiet which is fine .. On Saturday his bf was unwell and long story short he had appendicitis and had surgery

You didn't think that maybe he's very quiet because he's just had surgery?

WhatAMarvelousTune · 10/07/2026 11:23

There are plenty of people who wouldn’t want their 12 yr old coming to stay in a house where there’s an unknown (to them) adult male. It’s often mentioned on here by posters where the older couple is straight, but they don’t want their young teen/pre teen feeling uncomfortable around this adult who is a stranger to them. If your husband’s children spend most of their time elsewhere, he may be extra aware that he doesn’t want to give them any other reason to feel less comfortable at his house.

But you know him, you’ll know from previous behaviour if homophobia is a likely reason here (although if he has previously given you a reason to think that, I’m not sure why you’re still with him).

Oreosareawful · 10/07/2026 11:23

Why hasn't the poor lad gone home? I would hate to be in someone else’s house while recovering from surgery.

I don't see anything homophobic in what you've described, I think your husband is ready for the guest to leave.

Minasama · 10/07/2026 11:24

I can see that he might not want his children sharing space with an unrelated male - I always check there’s not going to be an unrelated male in the house when my girls go on sleepovers.
However if you are both present the whole time this seems less of an issue.

Have you asked him what his concern is in a non-judgemental way? That might be the best way to get to the bottom of it. It can be a reasonable conversation rather than accusing him of homophobia which may not go down well.

FunStork · 10/07/2026 11:24

I hope the OP returns to answer some of these questions.

Maaate · 10/07/2026 11:24

Going by the time line above the poor lad is literally just out of hospital after and appendectomy and then a post op infection. A couple of days to recover is not unreasonable before making him leave!

Maaate · 10/07/2026 11:26

MimiGC · 10/07/2026 11:22

Is there any safe and comfortable way of transporting this poor young man back to his own home for recuperation? He must be miserable at yours. He needs TLC form his own family. Your DS could go with him if that’s what they’d like.

From what the OP has said he's not out to his family so may not want to deal with that right on top of surgery 😔

MyArtfulGreySloth · 10/07/2026 11:26

Honestly I don’t think I’d want someone I barely know recovering from surgery in my home, he needs caring for by his own family!

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 10/07/2026 11:26

I think your dp is being very harsh. He’s your son’s boyfriend and he’s been really poorly. I think if you make him go it will make your son feel unwelcome at home and it doesn’t sit well with me forcing someone recovering from surgery out. I assume he’s resting in son’s room not being any particular trouble.
In terms of his kids. DS’s boyfriend is here and he’s poorly, he’s been in hospital. Teens will take in stride. Your son is at least 21 and in a relationship so it’s not like setting a precedent that they can have random boyfriends/girlfriends over.

OutInTheWild · 10/07/2026 11:32

takealettermsjones · 10/07/2026 11:19

He would have had a point if he wasn't the step dad 😂

Show quote history

True, but his step child was 17, so almost 18 when he moved in, whereas his children are much younger. I don’t like random men staying over or moving in with other peoples under 18s kids though and suddenly being ‘step dad’. I wonder if OPs partner stayed over from when her child was 12? 🤔

BelieveInCher · 10/07/2026 11:32

FunStork · 10/07/2026 11:08

There's nothing there to suggest he's homophobic.

I'd not be happy about a 12 year being next door to a step sibling having sex either.

You know the man has had invasive surgery less than a week ago and is now recovering from a secondary infection? What sex do you think they’ll be having?

chocoluv · 10/07/2026 11:33

I agree with him about not having a stranger staying when his kids stay.

Fair enough he had emergency surgery and it was easier to recover at yours but now he needs to go home.

DH is being a dick.
He could have died and he’s not being very sympathetic.
But there is nothing homophobic about what he’s saying.

Onegiantpupil · 10/07/2026 11:35

He is being a grouchy unsympathetic bit of a dick but not necessarily homophobic, unless he says the reason he doesn’t want your sons BF round is because he is gay.

It is possibly what he was alluding to when he said he wanted BF to go before SC come round as they haven’t met, what does he mean by that? I mean they are likely to meet at some point?

Original poster
ComfyComet · 10/07/2026 11:35

@FunStork, I posted less than an hour ago.

I think the bf might just be quiet anyway without having just had any survey, DS is also quiet and keeps to himself most of the time especially around people he doesn't really know so I suspect that the bf is the same and i’d much rather they be quiet than a nuisance.

DP seems to think that the bf is fine to go home as he went for a walk yesterday with DS but a short walk is much different to a (hot) train journey

I have no idea why DP went into DS's room, he often does and if it's not up to his standards of “tidy” he complains about it but his room is never extremely messy. He's never said anything outright homophobic but he did say a weird comment a while about how his room should be clean as “that's what gays are” which he then refused to expand on

OP posts:
SweatySpider321 · 10/07/2026 11:39

ComfyComet · 10/07/2026 11:35

@FunStork, I posted less than an hour ago.

I think the bf might just be quiet anyway without having just had any survey, DS is also quiet and keeps to himself most of the time especially around people he doesn't really know so I suspect that the bf is the same and i’d much rather they be quiet than a nuisance.

DP seems to think that the bf is fine to go home as he went for a walk yesterday with DS but a short walk is much different to a (hot) train journey

I have no idea why DP went into DS's room, he often does and if it's not up to his standards of “tidy” he complains about it but his room is never extremely messy. He's never said anything outright homophobic but he did say a weird comment a while about how his room should be clean as “that's what gays are” which he then refused to expand on

How does someone’s sexuality influence how they keep their bedroom?! Your partner sounds rude and difficult

PepsiBook · 10/07/2026 11:39

Not sure if it's homophobic, but he's being extremely unwelcome to the poor boy. He's just had surgery and having to stay with strangers,.I can only imagine how difficult that must be for him. Of course he's not feeling chatty, he's unwell.
Your husband is being really nasty.
If he can't have his kids there with him, then he'll have to tell them they can't come.

bettyboo9 · 10/07/2026 11:40

Ask DP to put the situation in reverse if it was one of his children. Would he not feel comfort that a family are looking after the child ( and he’s still basically a child in life scale) and they are with someone they feel safe enough to go through recovery with. If that doesn’t stop his excuses he is obviously very heartless

TheBrunswick · 10/07/2026 11:40

Yes. He's homophobic imo.
He thinks his sons are going to catch the gay or be exposed to gay sex.
He's awful.