To think DP is being homophobic?

[ComfyComet]

DS is 22, DP isn't his bio dad but we've been together since he was 12, living together since he was 17. He has 2 boys of his own 14 and 12.

DS is gay and we only found out recently that he has a bf as the friend wasn't out to anyone, this is the first time meeting him as they met at uni (DS has just finished his last year and is planning to do his masters) and he's now home for the summer.

His bf came to visit last Friday for a few days and he seems nice enough but he's very quiet which is fine but DP has said it's rude that he isn't talking to us

On Saturday his bf was unwell and long story short he had appendicitis and had surgery and then a few days later it got infected so he had to go to hospital again he's still staying with us and recovering.

Tomorrow SC are due to come for the weekend and DP is saying he wants bf to go home before then as “it's not appropriate for then to share their space with someone they've never met” I personally don't think this is the reason. He's been going on about how DS’s room was a mess yesterday and blamed bf although DS said it was him as he was sorting things for vinted. Dp also said I shouldn't cook a meal for someone who hasn't spoke much as yesterday I cooked dinner and both ds and his bf had some but DS has been doing most the cooking for them

AIBU ti think he's being homophobic but just making excuses to try and cover it up

I think you need to be very clear with your DH and tell him that DS’s boyfriend is still recovering from surgery and a secondary infection and he’s staying put for now. You’re the boss, not him!!

My teen DS is gay and I’d never let another man try and dictate who he can invite to stay in the family home.

I doubt anyone recovering from appendicitis is going at it. Wtf. Also says a lot about you to think gay men are humping everywhere they go.

Where are you getting all this from? OPs sons boyfriend is recovering from surgery and has just about managed to go for a walk. They're both described as quiet and shy. How in your mind has this turned into loud sex and snogging in front of the kids? Perhaps something to think about regarding your own prejudices?

And as for your little "class and standards" comment, I agree. Those of us with class and standards don't have the sort of disgusting prejudices evidenced in your post.

Actually risk of pedophilia is more to do with access and opportunity, and as soon as they have met him then technically he's not a stranger to them so your point doesn't really hold up.

But it's not really about if he is a pedophile, chances are he isn't, but it is more likely to make the children uncomfortable having a man they don't know sleeping in the house, potentially having sex that they may overhear (would be the same concern if it was heterosexual sex), OP doesn't even know him, there's been no time to get to know him/build trust etc, set out house rules etc, they don't know what level of respect he has for them or their home as there is no history or precedent, they don't know what he is like as a person, and if he would be a good person to have around young children.

At this point in time, knowing nothing about him, it's a risk and it's not one I would be willing to take.

It's unfortunate that emergency surgery has delayed him leaving but the fact no family on his side is forthcoming is suspicious in my mind too, where are they in all this?

It’s absolutely fine to be uncomfortable with homosexuality. Please see the Muslim faith as your proof. Nobody minds the Muslim attitude to homosexuality. We are inclusive, remember? That includes inclusivity to those uncomfortable with homophobia. Mormons are often similar as are fundamentalist Christians. There are places where homosexuality is outlawed.
being uncomfortable around it shouldn’t be shamed.

The poor lad, first time meeting a partner's family and you're incredibly ill, alone, vulnerable, far from home - and your 'host' is being a miserable sod.

You're quite right, a short walk is in no way like travelling by public transport, in this heat, when you're recovering from emergency surgery.

Homophobic or not (probably given his stereotyping of “gays”), your DP sounds like a prick.

Always take your son’s side. He sounds like a sensible, intelligent and lovely boy. Either your DP gets in line or he gets out. That’s his options.

Can’t his parents pick him up? Can’t your son drop him back? I would be worried sick if my son had an appendicitis and was staying in some randomers house.

He doesn’t have to say your son is his boyfriend, but he can say ‘Mum can you pick me up from my mate Ben’s house, like AS fucking AP? I’m staying with him, his Mum, her bloke and his teenage kids are about to descend. My operation wound has become infected and it’s really bloody awkward Mum - I don’t even know this family and I have well and truly outstayed my welcome.

I think you’ll find many people find homophobia due to religion isn’t tolerated by many people, nor should it be. Sexuality is fact, religion is ideology.

I don't know how you've got so confused about this.
What we tolerate in the name of freedom of religion is very different from how we want our own partners to behave to our children.
Do I accept that Mr X, a Muslim/Christian/Jew believes in XY and Z, yes.
Do I want to be married to someone with views which are anathema to my own? No.

Do his parents even know he's had surgery? Where do they think he is??

This is all getting more and more inappropriate to be honest, how far away does he live?

OP, I’m gay. I do think homophobia very much has a part to play in this. If your DS had a girlfriend in this exact situation, do you think he’d be trying to get rid of her?
regardless, I don’t think it sounds as if the boyfriend is really for to be thrown out, so your DH will have to deal with this.

Hopefully he’ll come round in time, I’ve been in relationships where the parents have been awful homophobes, dealing with it but just, ok-ish but treat the gay child/ partner completely different to their straight kid/ relationship ( think open arms and fanfare for the straight ones and ‘discretion’ with the gay ones) and the ones who are just normal and welcoming and treat everyone equally.
I’ll let you work out which parents have the best and happiest relationships, fully included in everything ( chats, holidays, celebrations, Xmas, involved with grandchildren ) relationships, with their kid…

Poor lad pushed through to meet the parents despite clearly feeling unwell (I’ve had appendicitis and removal and it feels like death) and has had emergency surgery staying in a strangers house to recover. Your DH needs to wind his neck in simply for the fact that there’s an unwell young man in the house. The injured stranger is a family friend whether they’ve met him or not.

He’s being rude and having weird expectations of someone who has had a difficult week.

@ComfyComet homophobic or not he’s being unwelcoming to your son and his bf at a very trying time for them.

i think it’s lovely that you are stepping up when he’s had surgery etc.

The comments about how gays are etc are stereotyping and generalising and I would t be letting it slide.

your son should be allowed privacy in his room without his SD inspecting it.

what if this behaviour by his SD is the reason he stops coming home in the future. Stops visiting. Stops including you in his relationships. Why would your son want to stay around someone who’s giving off such miserly uncaring vibes.

quiet or not as long as he’s not rude and your sons happy that should be enough.

Your DP is being a dick. His children won’t get infected with ‘the gay’. They are old enough to understand same sex relationships. God forbid one of them comes out as gay.

I agree and if DH dug his heels in about his kids not coming over while the poor lad is recovering I would say OK, they can come another weekend.

Well said. I definitely do have a problem with religions that don't accept homosexuality.

‘It’s absolutely fine to be uncomfortable with homosexuality. Please see the Muslim faith as your proof. Nobody minds the Muslim attitude to homosexuality. ’

This is absolute BULLSHIT. Not all Muslims are homophobic.I know plenty of Muslim gays or gay people raised in the Muslim faith. And their families have no issue with that. In theory most Christian faiths are also anti- gay except we all know the reality is that it isn’t true either.

I disagree totally. In the UK I think its fine to challenge homophobia. Also misogyny and racism, and extreme religious views - regardless of which other countries find them acceptable.

Only cowards hide behind religion as an excuse to be bigoted towards others. They pick and chose their flavour of religion as they see fit. I don’t see people coming in to MN threads day in day out arguing that divorce should be made illegal because all marriage is blessed by ‘God’ yet that’s what the bible says.

To get the bf to leave now you'll have to explain your husband's reasons. Nigh on impossible to do that without it sounding homophobic. Think long term. You risk pushing your son away. He's not going to want to come home to a place where he feels disapproved of. I'd insist bf stays and make a big fuss of both of them.

Women do not pose the same threat to children that men do though. The real test would be of he was ok with a daughter who wanted her bf to stay. If he’d be ok with that, then there is homophobia here. If he’d wouldn’t, then he is just wary of men around his kids which is a valid concern as a parent.

The comment about the room cleanliness and ‘that’s what gays are’ does say there is some sort of issue, prejudice which is probably homophobia.

If he is homophobic OP, you have a real issue. Could you stay with him if is he?

Christ on a bicycle. Just been reading through some of the other comments on this thread. Yet again mumsnetters homophobia is out and proud.

You know who you are.

It's repugnant. 😡

Agree with this. it sounds like a ne relationship and I wouldn’t want my children being in the same house as a stranger either.
Where are his parents? Very surprised they’ve not taken picked him up to recover from home. Unless he’s not even told them he’s ill. I understand they’re adults but the parents deserve to know.

If your DS had a girlfriend in this exact situation, do you think he’d be trying to get rid of her?

This is the wrong comparison to make to be honest, the better one would be if OPs DS was a DD and bought an unknown boyfriend home.

It is a well known fact that men pose a much higher risk of sexual crimes than women, it is something like 95% of all sexual crimes are committed by men.. to me this situation isn't around sexual orientation of OPs child, it is the sex of the stranger in their home that is the safeguarding issue.

I just wouldn't allow an unknown 22 year old man to stay in the house with young children.

He's got no respect for your DS if he keeps invading his private space for no reason

And that comment is definitely homophobic, certainly it lends more credence to the idea its about more than just being an "unrelated male"