To think DP is being homophobic?

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DS is 22, DP isn't his bio dad but we've been together since he was 12, living together since he was 17. He has 2 boys of his own 14 and 12.

DS is gay and we only found out recently that he has a bf as the friend wasn't out to anyone, this is the first time meeting him as they met at uni (DS has just finished his last year and is planning to do his masters) and he's now home for the summer.

His bf came to visit last Friday for a few days and he seems nice enough but he's very quiet which is fine but DP has said it's rude that he isn't talking to us

On Saturday his bf was unwell and long story short he had appendicitis and had surgery and then a few days later it got infected so he had to go to hospital again he's still staying with us and recovering.

Tomorrow SC are due to come for the weekend and DP is saying he wants bf to go home before then as “it's not appropriate for then to share their space with someone they've never met” I personally don't think this is the reason. He's been going on about how DS’s room was a mess yesterday and blamed bf although DS said it was him as he was sorting things for vinted. Dp also said I shouldn't cook a meal for someone who hasn't spoke much as yesterday I cooked dinner and both ds and his bf had some but DS has been doing most the cooking for them

AIBU ti think he's being homophobic but just making excuses to try and cover it up

I think if the surgery hadn't happened it would be fine to say he has to leave when your step kids come. It is just too many people in a house for one thing

However it is extenuating circumstances, he has been seriously ill away from home, he must feel awful. Imagine if it was one of your own children in his situation.

I assume the man is not being left unsupervised with children? So what is the concern.

I might well think that about an adult child’s partner, but an adult child’s partner who’s just had appendicitis is a completely different story. It isn’t some secret plot he planned to get another few nights under the op and her dhs amazing roof.

There’s no actual suggestion, from what you’ve said, that your partner is homophobic. If he doesn’t actually feel comfy yet around gayness in his home, around minors, that’s absolutely fine, nobody is going to bully him into suddenly crashing through his fears and concerns and traumatising himself. He has his own process of adjustment to go through at his own pace, and everyone respects that.

I think the whole scenario is very odd. You’ve met him once and now he’s recovering from surgery at your house?? That’s a big ask. Doesn’t the poor lad want to be at home in his own bed? Where are his parents in all this? When is he going home?

I totally agree with your DH. This lad has not been particularly friendly, he is now unwell and appears to be…well…living with you. For you and your DH and his children this man is a virtual stranger.

His youngest is only 12 and he needs to be the priority not the 22 year old’s new bloke who is shacking up with your son.

Surely that’s a lot of explaining to do??

Oh yes, Jack and Harry, we’ve been meaning to tell you, your step-brother has a special new friend. It’s a boy, and he’s currently upstairs and living with us for the time being whilst he recovers from an appendicitis which has since become infected. Anyway, good day at school?

Listen to your DH.

Exactly this

I don’t think boyfriend is a strange man.
If your ds likes him (and it sounds no red flags, met at uni, similar age, both quiet lads, calling each other boyfriends so presumably been together a while) and is in a relationship then you’ve got to trust his judgment. Any friend of my dc is welcome in my home.
Poor lad probably feels really awkward. Meeting boyfriends parents for first time. Then he’s really ill and in hospital twice and needed to stay to recover. He’s quiet.
I can’t see how the step children are going to be inconvenienced by him being there. Presumably they might see him at dinner and say hello.

Why is the husband going into OP's son's room? He is an adult. i wouldn't want him in my space. He is being homophobic giving his comments.

I very much doubt they are having sex if the BF is recovering from a recent appendectomy.

I doubt there's much sex going on if the bf is recovering from appendicitis/surgery/infection!

All I will say is that people always seem incredibly interested in the sex lives of gay people. The fact that that both those PPs focused on sex/libido straightaway says a lot.

If they had simply said that they wouldn’t want a strange man in the house with young children then fair enough. But saying that the child might hear them having sex and that surgery and infection will not dial down the man’s libido is something else entirely. Which is homophobia.

I can see both sides tbh. He isn't a boy, he's a man and your DP is quite reasonable not to want his 12 year old child sleeping under a roof with a strange man that none of you know from Adam.

I feel sorry for him as its major surgery and he must be wiped out but he should be recovering at home, your DS could stay with him and look after him if needed.

You're actually more likely to be abused by someone you know. That's what happened to me as a child and why I never allow my children to sleep over anywhere.

The poor boy has been very ill and the arsehole bully you are with is trying to turf him out.
Nasty.

I find it very hard to believe this is the first time he has shown this side of him.

I hope you have the decency to push back hard and not tolerate this.

This would make me rethink things.

You poor son is dealing with so much and his mothers arsehole partner being deeply unpleasant.

Be very careful OP, how YOU behave could dictate your relationship.

He has two children?
Are you his skivvy childcare?
He broke up with their mother when they were very very young.
I wonder why?
He also found a new partner very quickly🙄, as they usually do🙄.

Put your son first.

Focusing on safeguarding is fine. Focusing on the sex life of a young man recovering from surgery and going on about his libido is not.

Why would they be having sex? One of them is very ill.

People are not suddenly 'homophobic' - if he is, you must have witnessed it before. Either that, or he is very polite and does not talk about subjects like politics, money and sex. I remember it was the norm not to discuss these subjects.

Also, it is not compulsory to adore LGBTQ+, you know? He is entitled to feel what he feels. I know it is too late, but it is always useful to find our about your potential partner's ideas of what is right and what is wrong to them, socially, politically, monetarily, spiritually, not to be unpleasantly surprised down the line.

However, I would personally not kick out a post-op recuperating Pinochet, simply for humanitarian reasons.

I really feel for the poor lad. We all know we would want to be at home in our own place with our own stuff when ill.

This poor lad

a) is somewhere he'd never been before with people he hadnt met before
b) became ill essentially immediately as he'd have been feeling rough before most likely
c) had a major operation where they removed a body part
d) got an infection and had to go back in so likely feels even more ropey
e) the last two happened whilst he was away from his own family and with his bfs parents who he'd naturally be nervous around
f) is trying to recover whilst stressed
g) likely is picking up on the atmosphere and reaction from your alleged "d" p.

And all this whilst there's a heatwave so wondering if he's sweating and feeling rough from the infection or because he's hot.

No wonder he's keeping himself to himself!

In my opinion,

Yes he would be outstaying his welcome in a normal situation

But he has just had surgery! And is recovering. Yes it's not ideal for his teens staying with a stranger for a day or two, but if it was me I'd be telling them to suck it up because its really unkind to tell a guest to go when they're not well. They're also not really young kids who would struggle to say if something inappropriate happened. And it sounds like the bf is mostly in the bedroom anyway, not taking over their living spaces or hogging the bathroom

Your husband is acting like a dick.

Such a solid comment, totally agree with you about sleepovers for children. I posted yesterday that 'I don't do sleepovers' and was immediately 'put in my place', suggesting that I am poor and can't afford to host a sleepover for my dc, that is why I am against sleepovers. Such a good comment.

Appendicitis can be a very painful procedure and recovery.
No wonder he was quiet.
He could have been feeling off for days.

If he wants a house rule of "no adult house guests when my children are here" (which is fine), it should have been discussed a long time ago. Not as a knee jerk reaction to there being a house guest.

Really?

Yeah - they're sure to be at it straightaway after one of them has had an appendix out and an infection post op 🙄

And yes - there is quite a bit to suggest the partner here is homophobic.

Why is the bf staying with you post op? Does he have no family? Why didn't he go home and your son go stay for caregiving if there was no one else? Is he moving in by stealth?

When you first met, he might have been quiet because introverted or maybe he was not feeling so great because his body was dealing with an inflamed appendix. I think your partner was out of line to say he's rude because he was quiet.

Your partner's focus on sex when the poor guy's had abdominal surgery and a secondary infection is suspect. He's not going to be having sex anytime soon.

That said, no, I don't think your son should have his partner staying over when minor kids are in the house.

OP and her DP lived together after 5 years.. it'd hardly the same thing.

I'm not at all homophobic, and I would not be happy with a 22 year old man who I've never met before (or even been aware of) staying in the house with young siblings there, nothing personal at all, and if it was a daughter bringing her 22 year old boyfriend it would be the same too, there needs to be a gradual build up of trust for me to be happy with it and even then I'd be uneasy for a while.

I'd make allowances for the fact that he has had to have emergency surgery but where the hell are his family in all this? Surely they would be arranging to get him home?

It's a weird idea you have to be chatty to qualify for meals. I think you need to have a serious talk with DP and get to the bottom of what his problem is- there is no obvious signs it's homophobia though.