To think that DH overstepped the line here…

[Pistachiocoffeeyes]

This evening I was having a peaceful time in my garden until I overheard DH being animated with DS. I thought nothing of it other than a routine bed-time argument until DH about 20 minutes later came to me, all furious because apparently I told DS that we would not be visiting his DM this weekend because I had said so. For context, the air conditioning in the car is broken and his DM lives over an hour away, we also would have to take our dog with us and I am not prepared to go ahead with this unless the air - con is fixed. I relayed this to him and he became even more angry saying how DS spends more time with my parents and how his DM and DSD contribute more financially so he’s cutting my parents off! Poor DS told me how he couldn’t sleep because his dad had upset him. Am I BU? Or, do I need to stand my ground here?

As someone whose car aircon is also broken, YANBU, especially having to bring the dog as well

Why on earth are either of your parents contributing or being expected to contribute to your life? You’re grown adults with an 8 year old. Your husband sounds awful.

That was always the case. I remember my dad complaining about open windows on the mororway in the 70s, but when the car is moving at speed you don't need them because the air vents work.

Why can't MIL come to you?

By who?

Who will hold it against you? DH or MIL?

Does MIL opinion of you actually matter to you?

If DH will hold it against you that you don't want to visit his mother, then you have much bigger problems than the car air-con.

Need to be careful taking headlines at face value. I'm guessing you saw the headline I did that actually said we'd surpassed the 1976 temperature for the first time for that specific week, of that specific month.

The peak temperature in 1976 was only 35.9°c .
The heatwave we had a couple of weeks surpassed that several days running. As have other heatwaves from the last 6 years alone.

The differences between now and 50 years ago are that we have heatwaves now that we suffer now and not limited to one small group of islands. They are not only more frequent, but of significantly higher temperatures for significantly longer periods of time.

15+ years ago, a typical heatwave last about 4 days. I used to complain that they could hardly be called such - how naive I was.

Heatwaves now tend to affect entire continents,not just the UK. Wildfires across continents and in the UK are becoming more vicious and alarmingly frequent.

We are woefully equipped for them in the UK. From the simple fact that most us are naturally pale, leaving us more vulnerable to the sun than those from the southern med who have more olive skin, to the facts that are transport systems and supermarket fridges are not designed to withstand this type of heat.

We're seeing trees suffer with heatstress from June - not just this year, but at least 2 others years since the covid pandemic.

Our water infrastructure is collapsing- we're managing it so poorly that we will be experiencing severe water shortages in years. This is whole the pour sewage into rivers and seas so thar we can't cool off without risking hospitalisation in a heatwave.

Our buildings aren't equipped for this heat. Hospitals and homes.

I realise my reply goes beyond the point you argued but it's imperative people realise the situation we're in - and it's only going to get worse. Britain is facing complete ecosystem collapse in near future - that means no food.

Much of our press is influenced/owned by those with vested interests in not addressing these issues and this means the headlines & commentators in most papers play the climate crisis down.

The old 1976 argument...It gets clicks and it's reassuring and whips people up against each other.

The heatwaves we experience now are NOT like those living generations grew up with. And not simply because of frequency.

You need to have an adult conversation, that probably begins with you apologising and conceding that it was wrong of you to tell your toddler the plans were off before you had discussed it with your husband.

Likewise your husband needs to grow up and realise it is completely inappropriate to shout at and upset a toddler at bedtime over something the toddler has no control over.

The sensible response would have been “ooh I thought we were going, let me talk to Mum about that and we’ll tell you in the morning.”

There’s a lot more to unpack here but if you don’t want to go to his mum’s, why not let him and your toddler go? Then you can do something nice for yourself. You shouldn’t stop him visiting his own mum, that is not your decision. Also unless she’s an alcoholic or otherwise inappropriate for the child to be with, why stop her seeing your son?

The car air conditioning is a silly excuse unless the journey is very long? No cars had aircon when I was young and it didn’t stop us rolling down the windows and visiting our parents. Obviously you can’t risk sunburn for your toddler though.

Equally if this is deemed abusive surely the OP unilaterally deciding her husband can’t visit his own mum with his child and telling the child but not him is, if not abusive, at least unreasonable and controlling. Imagine if a man did this to his wife!

DH and his mum. E.g. yesterday he mentioned that I didn’t visit the last two occasions he went with DS but I had to remind him that I have been on chemo and getting very sick so that’s why I didn’t go!

An hour in a car without AC. Can you hear yourself? Many people marry others who share the problematic traits of their parents

This really is all about you and your wishes and you do sound controlling. What your DH feels seems to be irrelevant. You are damned if you yourself don't go and you are damned if none of you go....so a no win situation so you might as well let the other two go which will at least be better than nothing for your MIL.

We drive 3-4 hours to see my parents regardless of the temperature (we also don't have AC, I really must get it sorted!)

The only one I'd be mildly concerned about it the dog, but a cooling mat in their crate, with a crate bowl for water and a fan clipped on and the dog will be fine, you could even freeze it some treats to consume on the way to keep it even cooler

DH was a dick for kicking off at your son, you were a sick for not consulting with him before your kid and letting him find out through him

If my partner told me a visit my parents was cancelled because itll be a bit uncomfortable in the car then I wouldn't be impressed, we don't see each other a lot

Does anyone else notice threads get far more harsh/ judgemental responses in the mornings & afternoons than in the evenings?

No OP has changed her story when it wasn’t everyone agreeing with her. OP had told her child it’s too hot to travel in the car to see grandparents so they aren’t going! She then changed her story to might not be able to go.

You were in chemo so couldn't travel and it's being held against you?! It sound like you have good reason to prioritise your health. If you feel faint in the heat you shouldn't even consider driving, as it would be unsafe. Most people would be understanding.

I usually drive 50 minutes to see my dad on Friday, there is no way I was doing that today. The air con in the car is rubbish and can't have the window open on the motorway.
DH was out of order shouting at everyone but why did your son know and not your husband? How often do you make decisions without consulting your husband?

His Mother met a man with a bit of money and DH has got in debt before which they paid off.

So MIL supported him by paying debt he got himself into. It sounds like he's taking money from her regularly and thinks your parents should pony up to support his family too. The entitlement and expectations here are wild.

And he thinks that buys her access to you and your joint child whenever she pleases, even when it's miserably hot and you have no a/c in the car. That might even be the point, to make you extremely uncomfortable for 2 hours of extremely hot travel and put you guys at risk of heat related illnesses. You said something about underlying health conditions, which could add another level of risk here. You guys are not acclimated to the heat, another level of risk.

What's this about routine bedtime arguments?

He thinks he can stop you from seeing your parents in retaliation for you deciding not to go see his parents. Nobody's stopping him from going himself. Isolating you and preventing you from seeing your parents is an abuse tactic. Forcing you to go for a long drive in a hot car when you're refusing due to the risk of heat related illness could be considered a form of physical abuse.

I think your husband sounds rigid, controlling and abusive. I think you should contact your Women's Aid.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, it's a available as a free PDF online. See what resonates.

If your husband was a reasonable person, he'd be ok, I'll go see my mom myself, you guys stay here and stay comfortable. He would not have you guys and the poor dog in the car risking heat related illness.

Fuck me, you're on chemo and he wants you to spend 2+ hours in a hot car with no a/c in a heat wave? This is crazy. You're at higher risk of heat stroke because of possible dehydration and it could be affecting your body's ability to regulate your temp.

Holy crap, he’s holding that against you?? Is your dh usually such a nasty turd to you?

She said IF they couldn’t get the A/C fixed.

The child is 8 years old so not a toddler

Well this thread turned into a massive drip feed and a half 🤯

So your inlaws are supporting your husband financially by paying off his debts - that's not your problem and you don't need to be 'paying it off' on his behalf by visiting.

I don't think it's a good idea to put a dog and small kid in the car in these temperatures without AC either. And to those saying how did people manage 20 years ago - we didn't have weather like this 20 years ago. That's how.

Just read that you're on chemo as well. Obviously it would be insane for you to go on a long journey in a boiling hot car. Your OH is a dick for making out you're the problem here - you're not, he is.

He can get nasty, yes. I think he forgets things easily but I also think that his DM is getting into his head. She often reminds him that she doesn’t have long left on the planet but she’s perfectly well for a 76 - year old! As she’s never really warmed to me, it just feels like it’s my fault that she doesn’t see our DS as often as my parents do but also my parents drive over an hour to collect my DS which is easy for us. Anyway, that’s by the by.