To think that DH overstepped the line here…

[Pistachiocoffeeyes]

This evening I was having a peaceful time in my garden until I overheard DH being animated with DS. I thought nothing of it other than a routine bed-time argument until DH about 20 minutes later came to me, all furious because apparently I told DS that we would not be visiting his DM this weekend because I had said so. For context, the air conditioning in the car is broken and his DM lives over an hour away, we also would have to take our dog with us and I am not prepared to go ahead with this unless the air - con is fixed. I relayed this to him and he became even more angry saying how DS spends more time with my parents and how his DM and DSD contribute more financially so he’s cutting my parents off! Poor DS told me how he couldn’t sleep because his dad had upset him. Am I BU? Or, do I need to stand my ground here?

I think the point that poster was making was that she was dismissive of him in the first place by not even telling him and letting him hear it from the child.

In her shoes, I'd have raised concerns about travelling with my partner first. We'd have discussed possible solutions (eg changing times to travel earlier in the day, a different route such as less motorway driving when the sun always feels relentless, visit on an alternative less hot day). And my partner would do the same. Neither of us would make a decision which affected the other without at least communicating that to the other first. That's respect not fear.

And whilst I don't always agree with 'gender reversal' arguments, posters would be blaming him if he'd made a unilateral decision not to visit her parents for this reason. He'd be called abusive and told he wasn't treating it as a partnership and how dare he involve the child before her because it put her in an awkward position.

Why would your DH be ‘arguing with’ i.e deliberately upsetting a young child about this? A normal response would be ‘oh? Mummy and I will talk about that’.

It’s strange and disturbing that he’s taking out his frustration on a child.

I'm old enough to have had cars without a/c and I really can't remember it being a massive problem. I'm guessing we made journeys during the cooler parts of the day but I simply can't remember. Having said that, I would absolutely not make an hour's journey without it during the day in current temperatures and I don't think you are being at all unreasonable.

Exactly. Some people are admitting they are abusive in these threads

DH and DS go to see GPs (with the windows open). You and DDog stay in the cool at home. Win win.

Most posts seemed to be focussed on the air con which is not the point. Why are you making decisions without telling your husband and why is he arguing with your child about it

Yeah, I'm guilty of that. I'd have talked to my husband first before telling my children the trip was off.

Extremely worrying that so many women here think her behaviour is justified and normal. I think there may be several men in coercive and emotionally abusive relationships.

Nah, you just missed the part when a woman posting on MN can do no wrong and the man must always he blamed.

However, this rule only applies when the OP demonstrates acceptable SPaG skills. If posters deem an OP to be of lower intelligence/educational attainment than themselves, then it's also open season on her too.

Seeing grandparents an hour away (who it doesn't sound like they see v often) is big plans and presumably arranged with said grandparent.

It's not about policing your own language, it's about not changing a decision without any discussion and letting the other parent hear it from the kids.

"mums nipped to the shop for milk" fine to hear off a kid.
"mum said we're not doing X at the weekend" not fine and needs discussing.

He’s a total prick to take this out on a child when he’s angry with you, I’d be furious about that by itself. It’s childish to decide not to see your parents as punishment and shows a lack of character to do this based on who gives you the most money.

Is this how he behaves and communicates all the time? Particularly with his child if there are “regular bedtime arguments”. These issues are much bigger than the aircon in the car.

Maybe he is just responding to anither incident of controlling abuse by the OP. Abused people crack eventually.

He is 8. This is what I’m most suprised at. Not just making me look bad to DS but also trying to make my parents look bad because they don’t contribute as much financially! I’m very angry this morning about it.

we are in a heat-wave and to travel over an hour, in a car with no air conditioning - including a dog and two people with two different health conditions that react to heat, I think is really reckless and I was just startled that DH thinks this is safe and ok to do!

we dont all have air conditioning in our cars

It still wasn't your decision to make and to communicate to your son, without discussing it with your DH. Can you not see that?

I'd be furious if my husband made a unilateral decision like that (especially if it involves MY parents) without discussing it with me, and I heard about it from my child.

Totally wrong that he took it out on your child, but you were the cause of the issue.

This is the first time he has behaved like this to DS. I am just still in shock and upset. I feel as though his Mother has got in his head re how we don’t see them often etc. etc. and he’s just blown - up on DS saying that we ‘might not be going’ if it’s too hot and we cannot safely get the car cool enough.

i leave work when it is still hot, i survive without air con in the car,

it makes you look bad?
well yes it wasnt very fair

Why is it the job of the DH to arrange to fix the car? OP could just as easily book it in.

I think OP is right. She will be responsible if it all goes tits up in the heat. Things might be fine driving along but in case of heavy traffic or an accident or breakdown, shit can get bad really fast.

DH is a steroid dependant dialysis patient and we plan all journeys very carefully and to the worst case scenario. I remember 1976 well but this is excessive to that.

This. You can survive perfectly fine without air con for an hours trip.

So why didn’t you discuss with him instead of telling your 8 year old he wasn’t going to visiting her grandparents because you decided?

and he’s just blown - up on DS saying that we ‘might not be going’ if it’s too hot and we cannot safely get the car cool enough.

You're changing the story now. There was no 'might not' in your original telling. It was a definite 'we're not going'. You had made the decision.

While OP may not have failed to tell her husband about her decision out of deliberate malice, it was still seriously inconsiderate. That doesn't justify DH shouting at DS but it's nonetheless a shitty thing to do.

This! Ffs, people are ridiculous. My air con is broken and I drive long distances for work. I haven’t got time to get it fixed until the weekend. I can’t just decide not to go to work as it’s too hot.

Has anyone told his DM that you're not planning to go - presumably it was arranged for tomorrow or the next day?

He absolutely shouldn't have argued with your child about it, that was completely wrong and he should apologise to DS for it. I can see why he is angry at you that you unilaterally decided you weren't going, told DS and not him.

I would guess he is also embarrassed/angry that you're expecting him to tell his DM you're not coming at such short notice, especially since the heat isn't new or unexpected. The point about money sounds like there is some complicated feelings of obligation there. Did he really seriously say that he would cut off your parents, or was it more of a rhetorical 'well let's just cancel all visits to your parents then!'? I think the former is worrying, the latter childish but understandable.

Trith. Sorry, Truth.

I would leave the dog at home and open the windows. Why does the dog need to visit MIL