To think that DH overstepped the line here…

[Pistachiocoffeeyes]

This evening I was having a peaceful time in my garden until I overheard DH being animated with DS. I thought nothing of it other than a routine bed-time argument until DH about 20 minutes later came to me, all furious because apparently I told DS that we would not be visiting his DM this weekend because I had said so. For context, the air conditioning in the car is broken and his DM lives over an hour away, we also would have to take our dog with us and I am not prepared to go ahead with this unless the air - con is fixed. I relayed this to him and he became even more angry saying how DS spends more time with my parents and how his DM and DSD contribute more financially so he’s cutting my parents off! Poor DS told me how he couldn’t sleep because his dad had upset him. Am I BU? Or, do I need to stand my ground here?

Really? I'd be pissed off it I thought we had plans and then dh suddenly decided, without discussion that none of us were going, and told the kids that was what was happening.

Why does oh get to make that decision for me? I'm an adult, if I think it ok to drive without Aircon, (which I do every day as mine too is broken) then fine. If ds wants to come with me, again I am capable of making the decision as his parent. My dh, as an adult can make the decision not to come, thats their choice.

Its not scary that someone may be annoyed their partner decided plans had changed without discussion first

Not scary at all. Respectful to have a conversation with the other adult in the house before telling a child. Letting a child relay the message has led to a fall out. Adults talk first and agree, then children find out.

As for the no air con comment, we all survived until the early 2000s without it. We had 30 degree days before then.

Letting a child relay the message has led to a fall out. Adults talk first and agree, then children find out.

This is what I mmean. Why do posters on Mumsnet make the biggest deal out of the most mundane, normal conversations?
Again, if me amd my child were discussing weekend plans, it would be a normal thing to say, there's no aircon so won't be going nowhere in the car.
It is such a mundane, normal point of conversation that the OP probably didnt think of it again until her husband stormed down!

Why dramatise like you have above? Do you not natter away with your kids? Do you have to worry about discussing things with your DaH first?
I don't.

Edited to say, sorry for all the typos!

It’s not about him being the big boss, it’s one person unilaterally deciding to change plans which involve the others parents. Common courtesy to have a conversation about it and see if there’s a compromise. I’ll also bet if it was the OPs parents she’d find a way.

It does sound like you have a communication problem - I'm not really sure what you mean by 'standing your ground' here.

I think you need to discuss the problem. He wants to go, you don't. Explain, find another solution, listen to the feelings he has about his parents being unfavoured. What did you actually think was going to happen?

Yes he's blown up unnecessarily but you don't sound like you've made any attempt to communicate. And I worry you are both putting your DS in the middle of your argument.

That would be a mundane conversation if there was no existing plans.

However, there is existing plans. That dh was obviously looking forwards to. That changes the mundaneness of the conversation to something more emotive that may need adult discussion first

It's not just about the car though, it's about not visiting his mum and not telling him first.

I would say "we need to see about going to grandma's because it's hot and the air con isn't working" but no way would I tell my child a plan is cancelled without discussing first. It's rude to unilaterally change a plan and find out via a child. I'm not scared of my DH at all, but we're a team and neither of us should be changing big plans without consulting the otberm

won't be going nowhere in the car.

This means you would be going somewhere....

Why do you get to make the decisions? If course he's going to be pissed off with you, you're cancelling plans to see his parents and you didn't even tell him ....and just how often do you see yours?? Would you be cancelling plans to see them too?
Grow up, stop being so dramatic, go earlier when it's cooler and wind the windows down. It's not difficult!

This.

Most posts seemed to be focussed on the air con which is not the point. Why are you making decisions without telling your husband and why is he arguing with your child about it.

Also, guarantee she’d make it there if visiting friends. Windows are available.

'I’ll also bet if it was the OPs parents she’d find a way.'

You have absolutely no evidence to make that assertion. Do you genuinely think that OP's DH is justified in telling OP that he is cutting her parents off completely because she told their son that they wouldn't be driving to see her PILs in this extreme hot weather until their aircon is fixed?

He sounds like a bully. There was no malice in what OP did, but her husband is definitely being malicious.

I thought nothing of it other than a routine bed-time argument

I'd just talk to your husband rather than posting here.

But I do agree maybe you should have had a convo with your DH and not let him hear it from your child.

There are routinely arguments at bedtime?

I agree with these other two comments.

Seems communication isn't a strong point in your family. I'd start looking at addressing that.

No child should be having routine arguments at bedtime with a parent.

In the olden days (before AC) we just opened the car windows when driving on a hot day.

There was no malice in what OP did

Tbf, you have absolutely no evidence to make that assertion either.

For us a routine bedtime argument is things like "stop playing with the dog and brush your teeth", "no you can't sleep in the dogs bed tonight" etc, but DS is 9 so always has an answer for everything.
I'm assuming OP means that kind of argument?

Sorry, I know I have other replies but didn't want to be rude.

Is going to see Grandparents big plans? To us, big plans are the seaside, we did the three peaks (Wales) a while ago, they were big plans.

Anyway, the poster above you used the word 'emotive'. I just can't with the language. It was a converstation between a mother and her child fgs.
You have concentrated on, and dramatised the OP talking with her child and completely dismissed her DH arguing with their Son then storming down to her. I will hazard a guess that really, you think he was totally justified but won't admit that here.

I don't have to police my own language and conversations in my house so apologies if I have this all wrong.

^^Agree with this. If the situation were reversed, and your DH had unilaterally decided the family wasn’t visiting your parents, he’d have people on here suggesting it was coercive control 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also, the heat is making lots of us (including me) really crabby and much higher up the volcano than they normally would be.

Do you usually make decisions together as a couple?

Like pp said modern cars are awful with windows down, sat in traffic you bake, at speeds it’s either deafening or like in my car you get weird air vibrations, plus traffic fumes in the car. Old cars were a different shape. It got to 34c where I am yesterday, I’m not going anywhere without aircon.

however you should have discussed this with DH, is it too late to get AC fixed?

I think youre totally out of order. Fine if you want to stay home with the dog, you dont get to tell him that he has to stay home or he cant take his kid to see his mother. Who has told you that you can unilaterally make these decisions?

I voted unreasonable.

Unreasonable for you not to have ASAP booked the car in to have air con fixed and unreasonable not to travel in early morning.

Pack bathers for the home trip and hop into car with your damp beach towel and plenty of water. Secure all paper or loose items and leave the windows open.

Husband got a bit heated without reason. Was he suffering effects of over heating?

Extremely worrying that so many women here think her behaviour is justified and normal. I think there may be several men in coercive and emotionally abusive relationships.

You have made a decision without discussion. So think you were in the wrong! His argument is wrong because financial contribution doesn’t equally face to face!

but also you are being ridiculous to say your not going somewhere cos no air con!

Interesting. My air con was topped up, took 30 minutes at Kwikfit, booked it the night before online. I wasn’t going to do a 3 hour journey with dogs.

Bit of a red herring, the whole aircon issue. Why is your Dh rowing with your ds, little one didn’t decide this? Do your parents have more time-proximity/convenience?

My car doesn't have air con. I survive!

Yabu to have told ds without discussing with DH first. Yanbu for being upset with your DH for taking his anger out on ds.