To think that DH overstepped the line here…

[Pistachiocoffeeyes]

This evening I was having a peaceful time in my garden until I overheard DH being animated with DS. I thought nothing of it other than a routine bed-time argument until DH about 20 minutes later came to me, all furious because apparently I told DS that we would not be visiting his DM this weekend because I had said so. For context, the air conditioning in the car is broken and his DM lives over an hour away, we also would have to take our dog with us and I am not prepared to go ahead with this unless the air - con is fixed. I relayed this to him and he became even more angry saying how DS spends more time with my parents and how his DM and DSD contribute more financially so he’s cutting my parents off! Poor DS told me how he couldn’t sleep because his dad had upset him. Am I BU? Or, do I need to stand my ground here?

I suspect the OP doesn’t let the husband disagree with her hence kicking off with the son. Not acceptable but I can see how it might happen.

People were stuck on the m25 for 8+ hours the other day. In the ‘good old’ 90s plenty of families with a dog and young child would have reconsidered long drives if forecasts were over 30. People are remembering mid 20s weather, that’s what used to feel hot.

Ignoring the question of whether it’s okay to travel in the heat, it was obviously completely inappropriate and misdirected for him to have made these observations in front of your DS and even more unreasonable to have made it into an argument at bedtime with an 8 year old, and for that I’d be really furious

not excusing him at all, but my MiL gets an idea into her head and then we all suffer along with it because she won’t make adjustments or accommodations for the weather… or anything else (think picnics in hammering rain, trips to NT properties on blisteringly hot days and you’re in the right lines) if we suggest it might be better to reschedule she either massively sulks, or just pretends that nobody has said anything- could some of this be going on and your DH is caught in the middle?

Whatever the reason, it sounds like the heat is making your DH short-tempered… maybe proving that it wouldn’t be a good idea to spend an hour a car without a/c

Why do either of your parents contribute financially in the first place?!

Sounds like some weird codependent unhealthy family dynamics type set up.

I feel that maybe the son was told so that he could be the one to mention it to the dad rather than her being the one to say about it.

Agree that it should have been discussed between the adults first. If the DS had asked are we seeing nanny at the weekend then a sensible reply would be we will have to see, it's very hot, will talk to dad later about it.

Some parents use their child as a sounding board or go between to have the awkward conversations they don't want to have.

Not going anywhere because of air con is utterly ridiculous but I’m willing to bet you’d travel to see your own parents no problem

That does sound unreasonable.

But the key line in your post is this...

if we suggest it might be better to reschedule

The OP didn't suggest it would be better to reschedule, she told their child they weren't going and then her husband learned that from the child.

That is the exact and only reason that any of the subsequent argument happened. The OP could have avoided the whole situation if she'd suggested it might be better to reschedule.

Had you arranged to see your in-laws and you just decided to tell DS that you wouldn’t be going? I can see why your DH would be annoyed if you changed the plans without talking to him about it.

Sounds like you were looking for an excuse not to go
sure it would be more pleasant with AC but open the window and crack on

Why is anyone contributing to your household finances?

You were both unreasonable:
you by telling your son before your husband. Your husband by acting like a bully to an 8 year old.

also…. Fix the aircon and leave the dog

I don’t disagree with that. It’s a conversation they should have had with each other, the DS didn’t really need to be party to it

but I don’t think that justifies or excuses the DHs reaction though.

You started it. It wasn't for you to make the decision unilaterally without discussing it with him first. It's very controlling behaviour to do so. Maybe he would have been happy to go with your son and the dog and you staying home.

I personally would be fine travelling without aircon and he clearly would be to, so why did you make the decision for him.

It's sad that he let his anger out on your son, but you are not innocent in this mess.

I really hope that you're not one of those people who moans about boomers having all the money and advantages and not helping their kids.

It's perfectly normal for caring parents of adults to help their kids out without being unhealthily enmeshed.

Because he’s the one moaning about not making the journey. OP said it needs to be fixed before they can make the journey. She doesn’t say whether she has or hasn’t booked the car in to get it fixed but if it’s not being done quick enough for him, he needs to step in and help sort it out, and not rant and rave at his child and wife about it.

Here comes the drip drip. Why do you need financial contributions? That complicates things

Does he feel like your being blase and treating his mother with less consideration than you would your own parents and he's frustrated?

You are being unreasonable for telling your DS before discussing it with your DH.
It should have being your argument not your DS's.

If he feels you are prioritising your parents over his then this is a problem. Cant have a dog inconvenienced but ok to upset the inlaws and your DH.

If this is really out of character are you all just suffering in the heat? It makes me super short tempered.

I read your updates and haven’t seen you explain why your husband and son can’t go see his mum if they want to while you stay home with the dog?

I actually think the heat is much worse in my house than in my car but everyone feels it differently so you should do what works for you. Just not sure why you all have to stick together like this.

Tell him you're happy to go if he hires a car with air conditioning.

This. You were rude to decide to cancel a meeting with his parents without discussing it with him. No wonder he was angry if this is a pattern. He should not have shouted of course.

Why do his parents have to contribute financially to you lives?

OP, as a young person, I lived in Greece, and we used to drive all over the place in the height of the summer - no cars had air con in the seventies! Just open the window. You can manage an hour! I would be fuming with DH, though, for having an argument with DS - he should have come and talked to the OP about it. Some parents need to remember who’s the adult.

Nothing is stopping the DH going on his own to visit his parents.

He seems to want to make his family suffer.

lol, well lets just get the oxen and cart out!