To think that DH overstepped the line here…

[Pistachiocoffeeyes]

This evening I was having a peaceful time in my garden until I overheard DH being animated with DS. I thought nothing of it other than a routine bed-time argument until DH about 20 minutes later came to me, all furious because apparently I told DS that we would not be visiting his DM this weekend because I had said so. For context, the air conditioning in the car is broken and his DM lives over an hour away, we also would have to take our dog with us and I am not prepared to go ahead with this unless the air - con is fixed. I relayed this to him and he became even more angry saying how DS spends more time with my parents and how his DM and DSD contribute more financially so he’s cutting my parents off! Poor DS told me how he couldn’t sleep because his dad had upset him. Am I BU? Or, do I need to stand my ground here?

It’s nothing to do with the man being the “big boss”.

If someone posted on here “we were meant to be seeing my parents this weekend but I was just putting my child to bed and they told me that my husband had said we aren’t going anymore. I spoke to DH and he said that because there was no working air con, none of us would be going” all the responses would be along the lines of “why is he in charge?? Who does he think he is to tell you you won’t be seeing your parents this weekend!”

So get the air con fixed or drive with the windows down. Why did you not communicate with your husband and why do you get to call the shots? Do you prioritise seeing your family over his? I think you need to have a sit down with him and communicate like adults. Stop putting your child in the middle.

God this argument is tedious 🙄 yes we know people survived in the past, Jesus Christ. It’s not a necessary journey, so why suffer?! Of course if op needed to get in the car she would. Get a bloody life, so boring 🥱

I'm sorry OP I think you are in the wrong here. There's no reason why you can't go, plenty of people don't have air con and manage just fine. You can't just decide you're not going, tell your DS and not bother to discuss it with your husband.

Your husband should apologise to your son for arguing with him about it but this is on you.

I suspect it was said in understandable frustration.

If she can make a unilateral decision not to see his parents then he can make one not to see hers.

He was making a point.

OP, your original post started with you having made the decision not to go on the trip, and having overheard DH ‘being animated’ with your son.
Over the course of 4 pages, the incident in question has become DH ‘shouting’ at your son and you having said you ‘might not’ go on the trip. And you have updated to say it’s the first time your DH has spoken to your son in this way.
Some commenters are probably feeling a bit 🤨 at the way the situation is being presented.
My ten cents’ worth is that everyone would benefit from a bit of space and a chance to cool off, literally and figuratively. DH and DS go to his folks’, you and the dog stay at home.

And then when everything’s calmed down, have a decent grown-up chat about how you’ll handle situations like this in the future so both of you feel respected and considered by the other. Hopefully there will be apologies on both sides. It’s definitely an opportunity to improve communication and model that to your son.

I got my first car with air con last year when my last old banger died 🤣🤣

OP, open the windows. But unless there’s a massive backstory, your dh was being a dick.

I can see it from both sides though. If you don’t want to go, stay at home with the dog?

FGS it doesn’t matter if a lot of you can ‘survive’ in a car with no air conditioning… why would OP want to make herself and her child and dog uncomfortable for a non-urgent visit! Especially if the heat exacerbates existing health conditions. They can just rearrange for when it’s cooler, it’s no big deal. And these temperatures are crazy… we didn’t get heat like this 20 years ago…

Not to mention that your DH totally overreacted and had a go at your poor DS who hasn’t done anything wrong. He needs to apologise to him if he hasn’t already. Sounds like your DH is scared of his mum and is taking that angst out on you and DS. Tell him to grow up, you’ll not be going until the weather is more sensible.

Why are either set of parents contributing financially ?

Does your DH tell his parents that they contribute more than yours ? (he's obviously keeping score here).

He could take ds to his parents and you could stay home with the dog ?

While not visiting your in-laws in the heat may be sensible, it's absolutely a conversation you have with DH before telling your child. Not visiting your in laws is a joint decision. Plus yes cars have windows....

Maybe they were planning on staying all day or overnight 🤔

He's hot and cranky and he's decided to take it out on you and your DS and that he has the right to blow up about something he's low-level pissed about because he's generally pissy rn. It's not deep.
Wtf does "contributing financially" have to do with anything, grandparents are under no obligation to contribute financially in order to see their grandkids or indeed at all.

I think you are being a bit precious (and unreasonable) about air con here OP!

I did a 4 hour drive yesterday up the M6 in my old jalopy - it doesn’t have air-con!

Guess what? I survived! 😂 Windows are a thing 👌🏻

An hour in a car to visit your in laws is not too much to ask…it sounds like this is more of a strop on your part to be honest. An excuse not to go. Don’t do this!

Leave early, wind the windows down, take a spray bottle of water, a hand held fan and wear cool cotton clothing.

I think it's unfortunate that people are putting their own spins on this.
DH did not shout at DS - OP says she thought they had a "routine bedtime argument" (presumably along the lines of DS not wanting to go to bed) and she thought nothing of it. It can't have been that bad.

He came and raised his concerns with her - and he was understandably annoyed that she had unilaterally made plans to cancel seeing his parents without any discussion. Even if driving with no air conditioning is a deal breaker, there are other things they could have considered, seeing if the air con could be fixed in time, driving with the windows open or going very early; hiring a car. It sounds as though OP just wanted an excuse not to go as she didn't even consider an alternative.

I suspect DS was upset because his parents had a disagreement, which is on both of you. I also suspect the "cutting off your parents" remark was a reactive response to you effectively cutting his parents off, as he would have seen it.

By shouting at a child who had no part in this? Maybe he is the abusive one. Particularly if he is “routinely” shouting at the child.

@Pistachiocoffeeyes you've really fucked up here. You have no right to unilaterally decide that a planed trip is cancelled at the last minute just because the air-conditioning is broken and using your 8 year old as a messenger is outrageous.

Cars have windows that roll down and moving vehicles create quite a nice breeze at lower speeds and a gale force wind at motorway speeds, this means that you dont need air-conditioned.

If you are truly concerned about your dog and/or yourself overheating then the reasonable thing for you to have done is talk to your husband and suggesting that you and the dog stay at home whilst he still takes your ds.

Quite honestly you caused all of this by choosing to use your son as a messenger which is a form of child abuse. Then theres your use of darvo against your husband when he makes a similar unilateral decision but had the decency to tell you himself.

Do you regularly behave in such an abusive manner to your husband and child?

Why did you have that conversation with what is presumably a child before talking it through with your dh.
yes he’s had a bit of an overreaction by saying he’s not going to see your parents but in all honesty you should’ve talked it through with him first. I also don’t think no aircon is a reason not to go: there’s no aircon in my office or on the 90minute tube and train journey and I’ve managed ok with water and cool clothing so far

She's quoting her son here, who probably said it in a more tentative way to his dad.

I think this is exactly the point though - of course OP would do it for something she felt was important, so her DH is hurt that she doesn't see this plan as something important.

My car hasn't got AC. Had to drive for 3 hours yesterday. I'm still alive!

I know it’s crazy. And why do you get to make the rules.

You sound like one of those insufferable lay the laws down types and it’s one of the few threads ever where I’d really like to hear the DH’s side of things.

Ah now it's "might not go"....

Exactly.

This whole situation sounds toxic for your DS! you are both being reasonable!
Why are you making a decision and telling your son before speaking to your husband? TBH I don’t blame him for being cross, granted he should have been cross at you not you son!
Why is your husband taking his anger out on your son and not you?
Why is your husband getting angry and not discussing it like a grown up!
You both need to grow up and start communicating like adults! Your son is going to be too scared to tell either one of you anything if this is the result!

Maybe they were; hence me asking why the dog has to go. Not an altogether unreasonable question.