To un-invite friend from dinner after she sent me message by mistake - Update

[Dinnertext]

Hi all, my previous thread closed before I had the chance to add any further post today. For those interested, my friend replied to my message where I said I was upset she hadn’t apologised.

She ignored that part, and basically demanded I re-invite her on Saturday because it’s too late for her to make any alternative plans and it’s unfair to expect her to spend the evening alone. She reiterated the takeaway ‘offer’ and said as far as she is concerned , my Husband has said she’s still more than welcome to attend.

DH has just repeated the same position in that he’s staying out of it and that he wouldn’t turn anyone away at the door. He has basically told me this evening to be the bigger person and draw a line under it and not risk ruining his and his friends evening.

Stop being a soft walk over. Tell your husband he either texts them and cancels, or you will!!! Get a spine and put your big pants on.

This is the best summary.

Do you have any friend(s) who you could invite over that night to have your back? Confrontational friends, if possible? Friends who would read everyone involved the riot act and make it impossible for them to enjoy the game?

Like others, I am outraged on your behalf.

Agreed. I’m sure DH would have made it clear to his mate that the days of the friend’s wife being welcome at your house are over, but if not I would have hit the bloody roof if he insisted on them both appearing.

OP, you need to make it clear to him that she is not welcome at yours. If he insists that she gives there will be serious consequences for him.

I know. Complete overreaction and suggestions wouldn’t be tolerated on here if it were men making these suggestions about their wives.

"Hi friend. I don't want this to get more out of hand than it already is. I am upset. You sent me that message by accident so it was clearly intended for someone else who you had been slagging me off to. It's not the crime of the century but it is very hurtful. I don't understand why you won't apologise sincerely for that. Now you are insisting on coming over with your DH when I'm still smarting. Please try to see things from my point of view."

Anything other than this calm and rational response simply feeds the men's narrative that women are dramatic and over-emotional. And of course 'friend', by giving the impression that she's just smoothing things over and not getting drawn into dramatics, comes out of it as the good guy.

It's pretty depressing that so many women in this thread are happy to feed the narrative that women are hysterical and irrational.

Its weird you’ve been so assertive in some ways but are completely backing down with your husband that you are going to leave your own house for the evening rather than stand your ground and say she isn’t welcome.

I don’t understand why it has to be at your house not theirs! Just tell your husband to go there for the evening. This is all so odd.

The friendship is clearly over. A simple text telling her she is not welcome at your house and not to come as she will not be let in. Then block her so she really gets the message.

I imagine if you give in now and allow it to be brushed under the carpet you will be subjected to “remember the time you gave us food poisoning hahahaha” at every get together for the rest of your life.

At least you know now that this woman is not only guilty of being a bit bitchy, but is in fact a psychopath…..hyperbole I know but no one I know would take the statement ‘no, you’re invited’ and ride roughshod over it like this, it’s just NOT DONE

My response would now be to her, your husband and her husband in one unambiguous statement;

‘The audacity is quite something. Thank you all for showing me how much you respect and value you me as a person, which is to say not at all.

To be absolutely clear, this isn’t “women’s drama” and it isn’t a discussion. Someone who has spoken negatively about me behind my back, made no apology and instead told me to “get over it” is not welcome in my home. I won’t be changing my mind because someone else thinks I should. This is my home too, and I expect my decision about who I invite into it to be respected’

This is why I think a line needs to be drawn with DH, too. Because if she lets him disregard her feelings now, where does it stop?

My major concern for @Dinnertext is that I fear this is just the tip of the iceberg and that there may have been other incidents of DH dismissing her feelings and needs. Ie it may not just be about the football, because no decent man would expect his wife to put up with this treatment. If she goes to her mum’s I hope she will talk this out and take a really close look at her relationship because, frankly, she deserves better. Better than to have her efforts and hospitality thrown back in her face, better than being bitched talked about by supposed friends, better than having her justifiable anger and hurt dismissed at all, let alone over a frigging football match (that we may lose anyway, because - like - Haaland is a God); better than having to vacate her own bloody home because the life partner she should be able to depend upon does not respect that it is supposed to be HER safe space.

Anyway, @Dinnertext if you were a mate of mine, I’d give you a hug and take you out for a glass of wine right now. 🍷

If I was being driven out of my home so someone else could come and watch the TV - I’d be putting that TV onto UK Gold channel and leaving with the remote in my bag! They can sit and watch it on their phones!

I agree.

Are you worried about your DH's reaction if you were to really put your foot down and refuse them entry?

I'm trying to picture how this would work, that the doorbell would go and you would passively stand there, allowing her into the house and your DH allowing you to feel so undermined. I just can't fathom how I'd be able to deal with those emotions.

Your 'argument' is with your 'friend' but because of your DH's behaviour, it's suddenly become a real issue in your life and I guess has come as a real shock to you - that he would put his friendship and football ahead of your feelings and happiness. That is unbelievably sad and I just wouldn't know how to deal with that feeling.

A massive impact from what should have been such a small thing (an apology from a friend); I'm so sorry for you OP

I would just say
you’ve really hurt me and I do not want you here on Saturday. The hubbys will be watching the game but I’m not hosting.

She’s a right CF if she turns up and your hubby is out of line with his behaviour tbh!

I know you have planned to go to your mums now, but I wouldn’t fancy that-I bet you’ll come home to all the clearing up!

I would have replied, if you really want to see my husband and have a takeaway, he can come to you and you can host-let him know what time you’d like him over’

I wouldn’t want to waste my precious time socialising with her.

Extremely rude of this 'friend' to not just text a simple apology so everyone can move forward. It's perfectly reasonable to be upset by the message she sent, I'm sure she'd feel the same if she were in your shoes. She should host at her house instead, that way you can stay home if you want. Shouldn't be 'too short notice' if all they're wanting to do is get a takeaway.

Unbelievable- she is not a friend. Glad you're standing your ground. Your dh should be supporting you, not allowing her into your house - I'd be furious with him in your shoes. He's making you out to be the problem when she's the one in the wrong.

I would also tell her that if she insists on accompanying her husband to yours she can kiss goodbye to any hope of future friendship and that it would be the last time she would ever step foot over the threshold.

This is brilliant. The CF text was to someone else declining as she was going to the OP's. Well now she isn't going to the OP's she can accept the other invitation - she wouldn't be on her own.

@Dinnertext I would tell DH that actually your mom is coming over to your house on Saturday night to have dinner with you and that football is off unless he goes to CF and her miserable DH's house. Why don't they host? They are both incredibly rude. End of friendship for both as far as I am concerned and I'd be having a few words with your "D"H. Football is not the be all and end all and his wife comes first

Your husband goes to her house to watch the football with her husband. She can have a takeaway with them or otherwise she can text the person she was originally trying to text in the first place and now say she is free.

I would be so tempted to use the parental controls on your tv OP, so you could set up that ITV1 would need a PIN, to ‘kick in’ from the second half kickoff time!

I think your husband is behaving appallingly. Your friend is bad, but he is worse. You shouldn’t have to deal with this in your own home.

I think you missed the boat there. England beat Mexico last weekend.

You must put your foot down.

Tell your DH if she comes round you will be turning the TV off. You have the right to say who comes to your home and he needs to back you up.

@Dinnertext I'd be annoyed he was putting men kicking a ball about over your feelings.

But she said she was “ill” then doubled down when challenged and said it was because the OP uses cheap ingredients!

I understand your DH wanting her DH to still come over as planned and honestly her DH hasn’t done anything wrong anyway so it makes sense for the two of them to entirely be kept out of this drama! She’s outrageous in insisting she still comes over though, especially since she refuses to apologise.

I can’t fathom why she didn’t react like a usual human and try to worm her way out of the initial comment to be frank. All she had to say was “sorry, I’m getting older and get heartburn after heavy meals nowadays - that’s all I meant”. Instead she launched into a strange and extremely rude tirade about your cooking skills and ingredients choices…

Also the fact she wants to bring a take away added to this, she’s basically saying once again “I won’t like your cooking so I’ll bring my own food”. She’s an odd person. Agree you should stay with your mum.