To un-invite friend from dinner after she sent me message by mistake - Update

[Dinnertext]

Hi all, my previous thread closed before I had the chance to add any further post today. For those interested, my friend replied to my message where I said I was upset she hadn’t apologised.

She ignored that part, and basically demanded I re-invite her on Saturday because it’s too late for her to make any alternative plans and it’s unfair to expect her to spend the evening alone. She reiterated the takeaway ‘offer’ and said as far as she is concerned , my Husband has said she’s still more than welcome to attend.

DH has just repeated the same position in that he’s staying out of it and that he wouldn’t turn anyone away at the door. He has basically told me this evening to be the bigger person and draw a line under it and not risk ruining his and his friends evening.

Why are you so passive OP? It's your house, you don't want these people there, don't have them there.

Just text the ex friend and her husband and just say you're not welcome here, don't attend, don't come. And then tell your dh. He is in the wrong for not backing you.

Then maybe reflect on why you let yourself be pushed around so much?

Ive just read the threads and cannot for the life of me understand why friend is not embarrassed, mortified and has not offered immediate and humble apology in order to try and salvage the friendship.

And then trying to brush it under the carpet as if its no big deal, no way would she be stepping foot back in my house.

The sheer rudeness of 'we'll come for takeaway as your food does not meet our standard'

As for DH's behavior I have no words. No takeaway , no entry to house, DH can go to theirs, end of.

I honestly don’t know if a “group” can exist that way. It probably can but it must be rare I think. I have female friends that I don’t bitch about, but I’m not friends with their friends. If I had to be (which isn’t really a thing because nobody has to be friends with a bunch of people just because they’re friends with each other, but if I felt I had to be) I might not be able to help venting about the ones I didn’t really gel with. The ones I was tolerating so I could see the ones I actually liked. This is why I don’t have a group! Just individual friends.

What OP’s “friend” has done though is a bit beyond that imo. What a cruel thing to spread rumours about someone’s cooking making you ill - but you’ll go there and eat her food time and again and let her make a load of effort and then just belittle it all behind her back. And then once called out for it, refuse to apologise, demand to be hosted knowing you’re not welcome. It’s all just psychotic.

Shocking behaviour that she’s invited herself over to yours against your own wishes! How bizarre. What an awkward evening that would be, you all sat round the dining table with a takeaway.

I definitely wouldn’t be leaving my own home in this situation. I think you need to have a real talk with DH about how serious this is for you, and how uncomfortable it is that your “friend” is ignoring perfectly reasonable boundaries you are setting regarding your own space. If he continues to downplay this issue and belittle you I’m afraid your biggest problem is DH. He is inviting people into your home despite your wishes which is just as bad as your friend’s behaviour.

I’m so angry on your behalf , what a bitch !
Your husband though wtf ?

She is not your Friend, and your Husband is a disloyal Dickhead.

I just posted a similar response on another thread - the best advice I was given by a very good friend is to keep a distance and not invite people into your inner environment. She did it ages ago and saved me many a heartbreak. Her exact words were to do with school mums - never invite them into your house, they will criticise your food, your decor, your garden, etc. Always have kids' parties nowhere near your house - I am so grateful for this advice. She also taught me to never bring 'homemade' anything into work - people will criticise it behind your back. Bring shop-bought stuff, let them criticise Tesco and Lidl or whatever else. Basically, you brought it upon yourself, because you are open, nice and mean well and no good deed ever goes unpunished, as we all know.

💯

I would be clear. Tell her she is not welcome in your home. Tell your DH he will need to be clear with his friend that his friend's wife is not welcome. If they need to go elsewhere to watch the football so be it.

Your DH also needs to be clear to his friend that the rudeness and lack of apology are not acceptable.

Driven out of my own house by a rude, entitled, unapologetic "friend" and husband not having my back. There is absolutely no way I'd allow this. Then he's gaslighting you into thinking you've made a fuss and ruined his evening. In the nicest way have some self respect, grow a back bone and know your worth. Id be chucking my husband out until he has a change in attitude.

The thread has moved on a bit, but I really think that this is the most mature way to respond(from a pp):

"Hi friend. I don't want this to get more out of hand than it already is. I am upset. You sent me that message by accident so it was clearly intended for someone else who you had been slagging me off to. It's not the crime of the century but it is very hurtful. I don't understand why you won't apologise sincerely for that. Now you are insisting on coming over with your DH when I'm still smarting. Please try to see things from my point of view."

I’d let her come for the takeaway and put eyedrops in hers and her husbands

not really but that would be very satisfying

I’d tell dh it’s not school kid behaviour to be incredibly upset your husband doesn’t have your back, and he’s very very lucky you don’t cut the tv cord into shreds before you leave, and he is cooking for the foreseeable since he is too spineless to care how hurt I am, and if he says anything unsupportive about my behaviour to his friends he can leave too.

I get that.

but as you are at the no apology = no friendship stage - what do you have to lose by telling her she’s not welcome?

I had a horrible feeling the wife would try to bulldoze her way in on Saturday (with her superior food) and it sounds like that is what she intends despite the fact OP has said you're not welcome in my house, don't come. What a selfish, nasty bullying cunt! I don't think for one second she cares about the friendship, just ensuring her social life continues.

OP's husband is quite cunty himself. Putting his mate and a bloody football match before his wife's hurt feelings.

It's obvious that he should go to their house. Why the hell has none of those three suggested it?

I can see OP has made plans to go to her mum's but why the hell should she be driven out of her own house while the smugsters make themselves comfortable? If it were me I'd be saying if she dares turn up I'll turn the hosepipe on her the moment she steps through the front gate and empty her stupid takeaway over her horrible head.

This is a great suggestion

This!!

But I would also add at the end:

‘we have made alternative arrangements for Saturday evening now’

If they turn up anyway, don’t answer the door!

p.s, I’m really sorry, you have been treated badly. She sounds awful. Your hubby should be more supportive of you as you have done nothing wrong.

Hell would freeze over before I let them all enjoy an evening in my house, no doubt with comments about me made, whilst I made myself scarce. Put your foot down OP!

She already knows she isn't welcome by the OP, she just doesn't care because she knows the OP's husband wants them to come. I think there is a much bigger problem of general disrespect to the OP from everyone involved.

Exactly this. If that woman crossed my threshold it would be the end of the marriage for me. Your husband is supposed to have your back.

I posted on the last thread that what I would do is tell them both she isn't welcome, then I would be there and would turn her away at the door if she tried to come.

No way would I go out and let her be in my home as if it was all ok! And no way would I put up with my husband allowing it!

"She ignored that part, and basically demanded I re-invite her on Saturday because it’s too late for her to make any alternative plans and it’s unfair to expect her to spend the evening alone. "

I would respond to her that she is not invited and she is not welcome in your home. As for being alone, wasn't the initial text to someone saying she wasn't available on Saturday because she was at yours? If she wants to be re-invited anywhere, she can ask that friend for a re-invite!

"I’m not a confrontational person, she knows that which is why I fully expect her to turn up."
Be confrontational. Start by being confrontational in your text - 'you are not invited and you are not welcome'.

And as for your 'D'H - I'm disgusted by him. He could easily piss off to their house to watch the match.

"I think I covered it, but it’s because the only pub isn’t suitable/is booked and that it’s too late to expect them to host."
It's not to late to expect them to host. She's already decided on takeaway, hasn't she? I think I'd be insisting your husband went to their house for the match. By him insisting on the husband coming over, HE is the one causing drama.

I think she needs to be that explicit though

I’m staggered by these threads.

1. over my dead body would anyone come in my house who had been so disloyal and treacherous as to mock me behind my back.Literally zero chance they’d be coming in my house ever again.
2. my husband would not dare to treat me as yours is treating you. If he spoke to me about my misgivings over such ill treatment, he knows what he’d get back if he was as misogynistic as this. He wouldn’t minimise what has gone nor would he prioritise someone else over me in this way. He’s so out of order and more disloyal than this dreadful woman.
3. thankfully I am not married to someone who sees football as a proxy for having a personality and he wouldn’t expect me to compromise myself for such a disloyal cow as this in order for him to watch “the match.” What a sad sad man.
4. be damned if I’d be leaving my house to make room for these arseholes. If their set up is so perfect why can’t your Prince get hosted at theirs where their butler can serve him fresh swan? They sound like total users and your husband is clueless.
5. under the same theme I’d be damned if I’m putting myself out to leave my own home so that ungrateful dickheads can sit on my sofa and use my electricity to watch my tv, but I can promise you, if it came to the point I felt I had to leave, it would be returning only when I could get the rest of my stuff.

If this is actually going down, I can’t get over how passive you are in the name of “not being confrontational.” I strongly suggest you find a therapist to explore why these people think they can treat you like this and why you’ve managed to be married to someone with so little respect. I wouldn’t be married to someone like this and they wouldn’t be married to me because I am proudly confrontational when someone is pissing down my back and telling me it’s raining. A big hug to you - I really hope this is the start of you having bigger expectations of the people you allow in your life. Man, this thread has pissed me off!

I think this is spot on.

There's obviously something key I don't know about eye drops?