To un-invite friend from dinner after she sent me message by mistake - Update

[Dinnertext]

Hi all, my previous thread closed before I had the chance to add any further post today. For those interested, my friend replied to my message where I said I was upset she hadn’t apologised.

She ignored that part, and basically demanded I re-invite her on Saturday because it’s too late for her to make any alternative plans and it’s unfair to expect her to spend the evening alone. She reiterated the takeaway ‘offer’ and said as far as she is concerned , my Husband has said she’s still more than welcome to attend.

DH has just repeated the same position in that he’s staying out of it and that he wouldn’t turn anyone away at the door. He has basically told me this evening to be the bigger person and draw a line under it and not risk ruining his and his friends evening.

Your "friend" can visit the person she was texting about you. As @WhereYouLeftIt pointed out, they had a better offer anyway.

Boundaries don't have to be confrontational. I would text your friend and state they are not welcome and should stay home on Saturday. Decide what you will do and say if they turn up and do that. It is rude and unkind of someone to come to your house when they have been asked not to visit.

It isn't too late for your DH to watch football at their house. It's a "no big deal" takeaway. Your husband is being childish for prioritising watching the football over your feelings. He could go there. He wants to sit in his usual spot by the fridge and do what he wants. Your husband is behaving worse than your friend.

If you have another room, I would stay home and have a nice night in. Make yourself a nice dinner and find something to watch. Or go to your mum's and stay over.

OP this is a chance to grow a backbone.

This woman is walking all over you and making you bear the discomfort that she really should be.

You have tried to reason with her and she still won't apologise, the line is drawn she doesn't have any respect for you.

You do not have to let people into your home, that do not respect you. Its appauling that your husband isn't backing you up like it is some inconvience.

You're absolutely right. I'd forgotten that the original Pepto comment was turning down another offer for Saturday. So, unless she and her husband always have to go everywhere together, she doesn't need to be 'home alone'. Almost like she's trying to make herself the victim?

I disagree this is a good response.

Reasoning with someone who has not unequivicolly apologised for their bad behaviour is just a waste of time.

Draw a boundary if you are a dick about me and do not apologise you cannot come into my house.

How I wish the OP would take this stance. They are bullying her in plain sight. All it would take is for her DH to support her & tell them both his wife is upset with the whole situation & to leave any type of get together until it all blows over. He could add I urge your wife to apologise to her & try to understand it from her point of view.

God, what a miserable way to live.

How about just be yourself, be confident in your own choices, stop giving a shit about petty stuff like whether Tarquin's mum liked your biscuits or your gardenias? That's better advice, surely.

You see, I don't like strangers in my house anyway, only relatives. I am being myself in living like this. My friend simply told me I don't have to feel obliged to drag strangers into my habitat, that is all, and I am grateful for this advice.

That's quite different from the post I quoted, where you literally told OP she brought this whole situation upon herself by being nice.

Precisely. And your point? She is too nice, brought it on herself. What is wrong with what I said?

Just repeating from first thread because it isn't being mentioned so very much

"They are both fairly shrugged shoulders about it - ‘usual female drama’ was what my friend’s Husband said."

After "usual female drama" comment, I wouldn't want the husband around either!

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5551730-to-un-invite-friend-from-dinner-after-she-sent-me-message-by-mistake?reply=153414950&utm_campaign=reply&utm_medium=share

If you can't see how warped your thinking is that's something you'll have to live with, I don't care enough to try and talk you out of it. I challenged your opinion for the OP's benefit so she knows normal people don't think she's to blame here.

I don’t love it either. It’s too passive and this woman doesn’t care about OPs feelings. My message would be firm:

”Anne,
Given that you were obviously complaining about my hospitality to someone, I want to make it clear that I am no longer prepared to host in my home this weekend. An apology would have gone a long way. I am going to sit this one out. I’m sure James would still like to get together and watch the game wherever you and Stephen decide to do that.
Take care,
Susan.”

Perfect!

Do I have this right: the friend and her husband want to come to your house against your will - basically trespass - and your DH is taking their side in that??

If that’s the case, your DH problem is bigger than your CF friend problem, and you need to assert yourself fast.

I would stay and turf her out of she turns up but that's just me. I would tell your DH that if he doesn't make it clear to his friend that his wide is no longer invited you will make sure the game is ruined. He is taking path of least resistance, and at the moment that is you.

Obviously, if you only need to take Pepto after a meal it isn't being ill - it's acid reflux or indigestion. HTH.

I think you have to put your big girl pants on. I cant believe you were just " snappy" to your DH, are you scared of him?
Sounds to me you just do what he commands. No way would I leave my home because it is not going to make any difference to him because you are not as important to him than a game of football. You can't be happy and should think about this marriage because it seems very one sided to me.

I agree with PP. My DH would receive a divorce petition if he betrayed me like this.

Oh and to serve him right and im sorry to all England football fans, but I hope they get thrashed by Mexico because if England get through this will all start up again with who is going to host who in the next game.
It never stops surprising me how mad people go when it comes down to football. I wonder how many marriages spilt up because of it?
I hope you have a nice time with your mum, even though I think you shouldn't leave your home for a arsehole DH and his bitch best mates wife. So much mansplanning going on.

I agree. And she has proven she doesn’t give a shit about OP do asking her to see it from her side is pointless.

I think an open message to all three of them;

Dear Twunts,

As you all know Twunt1 accidentally sent a message to me that was meant for someone else. In it she mocked my cooking. Whilst the comment made might not be the worst thing you could say, it isn’t kind or respectful.

The most disappointing part is the lack of respect and duplicity of messaging behind my back. What else might Twunt1 be saying about me behind my back? It’s hard to imagine this was the first and only message of this nature and shows a lack of loyalty, respect and maturity. It’s school yard behaviour and I expected better.

Despite being given plenty of opportunity to, and a prompt, Twunt1 has failed to take accountability for her behaviour and hasn’t apologised, which shows a total lack of empathy and complete disregard of my right to respect.

To then push to come to my house, (because she doesn’t want to spend the evening alone), knowing how I feel and without even apologising, shows a complete lack of social and emotional intelligence and is extraordinarily entitled. It’s actually quite manipulative. I expect better from my friends.

I wish to make myself completely clear.

Twunt1 is not welcome in my home, on Saturday night or any other.

I suggest Twunt1 and 2 host or Twunt1 takes up her other offer that she turned down in the message.

Should Twunt1 attend my house without my full consent, I will ensure that she is made to feel very unwelcome. It will not be a convivial atmosphere, it will be extremely uncomfortable for all.

I will not reply to any messages on this matter. I have made myself perfectly clear about where I stand and what will happen should you override my very clear, understandable and reasonable boundary.

Regards
OP

That’s good. I like that. Can we add in a consequence though. What will happen if they don’t listen and just come? Because the husbands have zero respect either.

@Nos4r2 We beat Mexico. The game on Saturday is against.Norway.

Your husband is being a pathetic, self-centred man-child. In what universe is watching a load of random blokes kick a bag of air round a field more important than your wife's feelings??

I'm more angry with him than your bolshy friend, to be honest!

At this point OP, I think you need to challenge everyone’s perception of you as an easygoing doormat, and throw an absolute fit over this. Every now and then you have to kick off about something you feel strongly about, to make everyone respect you and see you as a woman of steel and not completely predictably soft.

Your DH needs to feel that having this awful backstabber in his house will make his wife so profoundly unhappy and his life so unpleasant for so long, that he would rather do almost anything to avoid it. He needs to be in the position of blaming the two-faced ex-friend for ruining his night. I actually think you should never call her ‘Penny’ again but always ‘Two-Faced Penny.’

I would stay and make sure the game was ruined.
Take the plugs off the TV, smear the screen with vaseline/face cream or chocolate sauce. If you have the skills re-tune the telly to Russia Today or AlJezeera Arabic
Play loud bagpipe music in another room or borrow a karaoke machine and practice "My Heart Will Go On".
Put a small bottles of PeptoBismol, Rennies and packets of Alkaseltzer in strategic positions all over the house with notes on saying "For Emergencies Only"
Don't flush the loo and leave a note saying "Sorry but I had the squits and had no time to clear it up". If you put some gravy browning in it, it will heighten the effect.
Leave a bucket next to the loo with a note on it saying " sick bucket".
Hide all the cutlery so they have nothing to eat the takeaway with.

But then I'm not very charitable when I've been crossed 😛