To think this is the most awful thing to say to a parent

[Kate8889]

My mom has a husband she's been with for about 12 years, they're in their 60s.

He has a sister and their father recently died after a very difficult few years of Alzheimer's disease (he was physically combative on the daily).

This sister (in front of everyone) told her mom that if a person gets a diagnosis such as Alzheimer's it is the person's responsibility that they don't become a burden on their loved ones and they should end their life. I cannot imagine saying that to anyone but especially my parents.

My DM died recently after having dementia for 10 years. Unutterably awful for her. i will be doing my utmost to end it as soon as i have any inkling.

There’s no nice side to dementia no matter what the adverts might try to tell you. 10 years of hell quite honestly. If anything the early years were way worse for her because she had some level of awareness. the last few years she had no clue but her quality of life was 0. She would have hated every single second of her dignity being stripped away bit by bit and day by day.

i loved her dearly but i wish she had gone way sooner.

How about if the parent doesn't actually want to end their life? This is why I am against any form of assisted dying. Because people like the sister would make the parent feel they had to, to avoid being a burden.
Of course, a person with a dementia diagnosis does not have the capacity to make that decision anyway. As most of us know. Where would it all end? A Logan's Run scenario? I can actually see that happening in the far off future with attitudes like the sister's.
My own dad was psychotic for months before he died. It was so hard for him and me but rightly or wrongly, I could never have coped with him taking his own life. He was afraid of dying. In the end he died naturally, and very peacefully.

Where would it all end?

With an advance directive made before a diagnosis of dementia. I’m extremely pissed off that it’s not a course of action available to me thanks to a very small group of old has beens in the Lords.

My husband almost did it accidentally, he's in alot of pain and uses morphine as well as other pain killers. He said it was horrible, feeling of terrible panic as he breathing started to shut down. Terrified him.

The reason you can't do that is because you would not be of sound mind by the time you had dementia. You need to have the option of changing your mind at the last minute even with Dignitas.

The assisted dying bill was never designed to cover dementia from what I've read. I had LPA for an elderly relative, her wishes and mine were respected with DNR and not being admitted to hospital but left comfortably in care home with care and at the end sedatives so she wasn't distressed. I think it's important that next of kin or person with LPA knows your wishes so extraordinary measures aren't taken to delay the inevitable at end of life if that's what you wish. Of course wishes can change, I heard of a senior doctor who was against prolonging life at all costs until it was his turn and then was demanding anything and everything that might give him a bit longer.

It's a tough call.

Whenever I have been given opiates I have vomited almost immediately even post hysterectomy (the vomiting just made everything more painful). I don't think they would work on me as a means of suicide.

I agree with you about next of kin. I’m very fortunate with mine. Both of the people who’d be mine are on exactly the same page.

My family made the decision not to prolong my mother's life any longer by putting her on a drip every time she sge stopped eating. That is not the same as actively ending her life. I was relieved when she died though, it was no kind of life.

I don't think they do work for every one. They were very effective for me after hysterectomy but they don't do much for DH, hence the overdose.

That's awful, I'm so sorry for him. I think there isn't really any pleasant way to die/nearly die. Unless maybe you just went to sleep and never woke up. I'm hope your husband is ok now? X

Thank you. He's nearly 80 so generation of men who don't really share their feelings. It certainly scared him and pain control is a real issue. It does make life pretty miserable and I have to admit it changes the relationship when you are a long term carer.

Myself and DH have said if we got a disease like this we are going into a nursing home. I have said I would not want to be a burden on my family and wouldnt want the pressure of them visiting. In reality though they would feel the pressure.
We are both very clear that quality of life is better than longevity and there are worse things than dying.

Some of the “old has beens” were concerned that people might be coerced, or feel pressure to end their own lives to avoid becoming a burden to others.

I think this thread demonstrates very clearly that those fears were well-founded.

We watched my fil go through dementia and eventually pass. My DH is so worried this is his fate and said he won’t end up like his dad and will do something about it if the time comes.

I can understand her point of view. It’s not a good way to end up being.

She’s saying that because the disease cruelly took her dad and made him someone she didn’t recognise. It’s coming from a place of hurt.

By the time they die it is a relief, for them and for others looking after them. Alzheimer’s is exhausting and painful for all involved. She’s not saying it to be mean.

Exactly. Watched my dad deteriorate and I’d definitely not put my children through one moment of that.

They weren’t even slightly concerned about people who want control over the end of their own lives. As far as I’m concerned they’ve confirmed that the Lords should be replaced with a democratically elected second house. It’s appalling that they can block something our elected representatives have approved.

I promised my lovely wife I would assist with her death if she ever developed Alzheimer's ( she had worked for many years with the elderly demented.) She was taken mercifully swiftly with a brain tumour, as it happens. But I 100% would have kept my word to her.

NRTFT but those saying they'd off themselves if they got dementia.. how the hell would you KNOW you had dementia?
Plus the tablets under the mattress.. those are found quite regularly - the people who put them there either can no longer get to them or have forgotten..

My mum had dementia for years, so I do know what I'm talking about.

My DH has dementia and I am his carer. I hope that if I ever get a diagnosis, I will still be able to end my life before it deteriorates further. Dignitas is well named, there is no dignity in dying of this terrible condition. Unfortunately, I won't be able to afford that trip to Switzerland, so those stopped the assisted dying bill becoming law did me a huge disservice.

100%. The answer is to allow people to specify when they reach a certain state they wish to end their life, even if they don’t have capability at that point.

my dad died of dementia. He would have absolutely hated how he ended. I have promised myself I won’t put myself or my kids through that

I will be in the flight with you. No way would I want to put my kids through that. But to answer OPs question there is a time and a place and she should have kept her mouth shut.

I'm with you op . Yeah that's insensitive and awful . And my dad does have Alzheimer's so I understand the level of care and frustration.

There is a blood test now that once one family member with Alzheimers has been diagnosed, the rest of the family can be tested as it can be hereditary.

I agree with her comment. If I was diagnosed, I would not be looking for any family members to look after me and, would be on the first plane out to whatever country can assist legally. Am also researching despite no diagnosis.