To think this is the most awful thing to say to a parent

[Kate8889]

My mom has a husband she's been with for about 12 years, they're in their 60s.

He has a sister and their father recently died after a very difficult few years of Alzheimer's disease (he was physically combative on the daily).

This sister (in front of everyone) told her mom that if a person gets a diagnosis such as Alzheimer's it is the person's responsibility that they don't become a burden on their loved ones and they should end their life. I cannot imagine saying that to anyone but especially my parents.

After caring for her dad, my mum has told us, repeatedly, in no uncertain terms that if she gets dementia, we put her in a home, walk away, and don’t go back.

If I ever get a dementia diagnosis while still having lucid enough moments, I won’t be sticking around. Hopefully we’ll have figured out assisted dying, but if not, I’ll do it myself. Absolutely no intention of going through it if I can help it.

No

Yes, this is why it would be interesting if the PP clarified what they meant.

Me too.

I think its absolutely fine, in the right circumstances, to state what your choice would be if it happened to you. Its not alright ever ever ever to announce what other people should do.

I understand what she's saying, most people say if they get a dementia diagnosis they'll take their own lives to spare themselves and their families the future horrors that might await them.
However, when it comes to it it's rare that anyone does, which leads me to believe it's not realistic that a person with dementia is capable of doing this, so in that context the sister is being very unreasonable.

Seems a taboo thing to say, but I agree with her.

I suspect you’ve never endured this, so I’d dial back the judgey op.

it is one of the most horrendous things to deal with, and If she’s emotional and saying something harsh then that’s fine.

I agree and understand the sentiment like others, but the thing is that it's very easy in the abstract to say people should, or you would personally 'put yourself away', 'spare others the burden's, 'get on the plane to Switzerland right away' but the reality is very, very different and that's why assisted dieing legislation is so complex and difficult, and even in countries that do have established provision uptake is not all that high compared to the number of people with say dementia or terminal cancer diagnosis. When in good health you may feel its quite straightforward and that of course you wouldn't want to live through something like dementia, when it comes to it though (a) naturally the survival instinct is very strong, not everyone actually feels able to go through with it even if they strongly logically feel it's the right choice (b) timing - theoretically again, easy, while your quality of life is OK you want to live, once it's 'unbearable' you would like to leave with dignity, but where is that line of unbearable drawn? Things may be awful one day and quite good the next, or even from minute to minute, as those who have cared for someone with one of those awful diseases knows. At what point do you say the bad moments outweigh the good? And realistically as others have said by the time it's mostly bad days the person has often lost the capacity to make that choice for themselves, so you're talking about forcing them to sacrifice their last good days or hours to avoid the bad ones, that's very hard, to the point of impossible. There's also the very hard to accept and understand thing that long standing illness can change someone's personality quite fundamentally (not just the obvious ones like dementia but even the experience of going through something very physical like cancer). The person who has had or is going through that experience may feel very different about the value of their ongoing life compared to who they were before - I wouldn't call that selfish, if previously they would have said they wanted to die in xyz circumstances but now want to live, even if that does cause difficulties for their children, if we aren't allowed to be selfish about the most fundamental question when are we?

So in short no I wouldn't say something like this myself but it is difficult and also when grieving and particularly a complex loss people will say silly or insensitive things and you have to have a bit of patience and compassion too...

I agree with everyone completely, but I'm surprised how pro euthanasia this thread is when some threads on the topic have been surprisingly anti or at least quite balanced between the two sides.

Dementia is one of the biggest things that makes me doubt the existence of any kind of benign deity. It’s just so cruel.

It is a horrible thing to say but I can understand the sentiment. There probably are other awful things a person can say.

I’m not sure I could manage to end my own life though. I think I’d always want another minute and another… Maybe that’s selfish though.

It’s always down to who is on the site on the day I think! And then I think some people only post if the gist of the thread is in their favour.

The thing is you can't agree to end your life if you lack the cognitive ability to make decisions.

Someone saying what she did is a reaction to seeing what dementia and Alzheimer's can do to a person. And how it's so desperately sad for them and their loved ones.

I would rather end my own life than live with dementia.

It sounds insensitive but she's sad and angry about how it felt to deal with someone having this very tragic illness.

Lots of people saying they would end it, I have said that myself as I care for my demented mother and have no desire to inflict that on my family, but in reality it rarely happens. Most people with dementia don't have enough insight or capability

It's all very well when of sound mind saying you'd end it all after a dementia diagnosis, but have you ever read or watched Still Alice? Not that straight forward.

Yes I was just thinking my gran couldn't even get her tablets out of the little blister packs.

Not so, you can get an Alzheimer’s diagnosis quite early on while you are still able to decide things and to carry out plans. Sadly you have to find the right point when you still have sufficient capacity but are therefore still possibly fit to enjoy life. I have been through both parents and one PIL. I do not want my children to have to do it.

My grandmother had vascular dementia and the last 5 years of her life were absolutely awful. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My grandfather (her husband) was diagnosed with aggressive cancer a few years after she died. He didn't tell anyone, went on a final trip to Ireland with 5 out of his 6 children and a few of the adult grandchildren (I couldn't go due to exams, I regret it to this day) for his 85th birthday, then a few days after they got home he ended his own life. It was incredibly sad, but I absolutely respect and understand his decision. I understand the sentiments of your mum's SIL, even if the delivery was poor.

Until you've lived it op you have no say. YABU.

I do know what I’m talking about as I work as a senior in a dementia care home as welll as having had a grandparent with the disease. Yes it’s a horrible disease and fair enough if as an individual you would not want to be a burden but I still think that is a disgusting and inexcusable thing to say. We work really hard to try and give our residents as good a quality of life as possible for them and their loved ones. Nice
to know a lot of people think they should just be put down instead. Nobody gets to tell someone else what they should do if they develop dementia.

There’s a difference between what individuals hope they’ll be able to do when the time comes, and what ‘people’ want for society. Unfortunately there’s no compelling evidence that we’ll be able to manage euthanasia ethically.

Far more women die from euthanasia than men, far more men ‘assist’ their partner than the other way around. The statistics about who ‘chooses’ euthanasia are concerning. I can’t obtain the various articles to post I’m afraid. I’m not that organised.

I could approve of euthanasia in principle, but don’t in practice.

Please not a motorway or train bridge. Someone did this recently jumping from the motorway bridge in our town and killed the driver of a car.

I disagree with encouraging people to end their life, but she's got a point about people seeking/accepting external help rather than expecting their children to be their 24/7 carers. I think the fact that suicide is seen as the only viable alternative speaks volumes about the lack of/gaps in the healthcare service.

It's sensitive for sure but having seen my parent go through this disease, there's no way on this earth I want my children to see my like that or have that burden on them. I will end my own life.

Some people might want to, but it's not that easy and very messy for those left behind. And even after a diagnosis they may have years of relatively normal life and after that they probably wouldn't have the ability and it's not legal for anyone to help.

Also a very shitty thing to say to older people and smacks of wanting to get their hands on other peoples money as soon as possible. Would they say the same about disabled children or people in general that require help with day to day living? Why stop with Alzheimer's there are lots of degenerative diseases out there.