Is my marriage doomed?

[honeysunday]

I have been happily married for over 10 years but I’m starting to see that we just don’t want the same things.

I love beaches and water sports and the outdoors and he likes Xbox and television.
Up until now I’ve not really felt it mattered as I always enjoyed spending time with my mum who like me loves the outdoors, we would go for walk and chat while he played his Xbox.
I was a SAHM mum until recently so he was at work but I always took the children out, we are lucky enough to live in a seaside town and my mum would often join us and we spend hours at the beach or the park while he was working or gaming but I lost my mum this winter and I’ve really started to see that he just doesn’t want days out and although not his fault but he’s very pale and doesn’t enjoy being out in the sun so will not go on the beach, doesn’t enjoy walks as he’s overweight and gets hot, he also doesn’t come to the park because he thinks it’s boring and will just play games on his phone when we have days out.

Recenty he’s made more of an effort to have family days out which he says he enjoys but just can’t spend too much time somewhere, we will go somewhere nice and as soon as we arrive he will heading straight for somewhere to have lunch and after that have had enough in half an hour and want to go home and watch a film or something.
We took the kids out to go on their body boards and he gave them half and hour, and then 10 minutes in the park on the way home which was supposedly our day out before he said let’s go now and get McDonalds on the way home.
I am not blaming him, he’s just an not outdoors person but now I have lost my mum and I’m back at work, kids are at school, there is only the weekends but when I suggest I take the children out while he does his own thing, he says no I want to come and then it’s all over in an hour and the kids miss out as we have to go where I would have made a day of it.

God forbid his children want to spend time with him! 🙄
I feel so sorry for you, you deserve SO much better and so do your kids 💐

Yeah he thinks he’s at work all day so when he gets home he should be able to sit and unwind until bedtime.

He really is a giant manchild, and I'm sure is more trouble than all of your actual DC.

I couldn't imagine ever again having sex with him, or indeed even wanting to spend much time with him.

Time for 🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and your mum had lots of special times together.

Whilst it's a shame your partner doesn't like the same things, it sounds like it wasn't an issue because you did things with your mum before.

It's like you have had a double loss, both your mum and the lifestyle that was your preference.

Can you just not carry on doing things how they were before, but without your mum? Go on your own or with the children.

I'm not married but I have been in a relationship for a good few years, and we live apart and do a lot of activities separately. I travel a lot on my own and with my friends, and with my partner a couple of times a year. It works really well, our relationship is great because we don't rely on each other to meet all of our needs, and it's ok to do things with other people. He hates some of the things I do and I have no interest on many of the things he enjoys, but we are content to each do our own thing and then come together at other times

I’m still sitting out here, he has text me several times to see what time I’m coming in to spend time with him.

So @honeysunday when are you leaving this waste of skin?

This is sad reading. To feel your kids are something to be dealt with. I look forward to seeing DS when I get home!

This gets sadder with every update OP :( you and your children deserve so much more

Oh dear.

He really sounds so selfish and disgusting.

I hope you don't go spend any time with him, his attitude is shocking. Who the f* texts to come spend time with him when he refused to even sit out and have a coffee with you and his daughter.

I'd get rid of the Xbox and I say that as a gamer with a gaming partner.

Sounds suspiciously like he's trying to tell you what to do... having just reprimanded you for apparently telling him what to do (when all you did was make a nice suggestion!)

That's rich! He wants you to come in and spend time with him, but he didn't want to come and sit outside with you when you asked him! And he can't even be bothered to ask you in person, he just texts you??

He sounds incredibly selfish and I feel very sorry for both you and your children. You deserve better OP.

Spending time with you as in talk about your days, cuddle, watch something together? Or will he still be on the Xbox?

What does this involve if he's on his xbox?

What the hell is he texting you for? Tell him to get off his backside and walk to the garden. In this heat, the garden is the place to be in the evening. He must be sweltering inside.

What did you do OP? Did you speak to him after this?

It all sounds so horrible for you all to be honest. I dont know why you're putting up with it, but equally he cant be happy either.
You do give him an 'out' by saying that he doesn't have to come so I dont know why he doesn't take that rather than going with you and making himself (and you by extension) miserable.

I couldn't live like that and I hope you get to live a life that you're living on your terms with your priorities soon. The life that he is expecting you to live is no life at all, for you or your children

Speaking as a formerly obese person myself, I think I can understand your DH’s mindset - everything revolves around eating and drinking and then of course, the more overweight and sluggish you feel, the less likely you’ll want to go out and do stuff.

I’ve lost 4 stone (used Mounjaro) but my life has transformed. As my body changed, my energy for life came back and whereas before I hid away and didn’t want to be ‘seen’, I’m now full of life and love getting out. My focus now is on living rather than eating.

It sounds as though your DH’s issues are all centered around his weight. If he could crack that, you’d likely be amazed at how much everything else could change too.

Well said

I understand that, but he doesn't seem to want to change, beyond the occasion platitudes before returning to old habits. How long is OP supposed to live half a life waiting for him to change? The poor kids never getting a full day out without their dad whining on

@honeysunday How has he been the last couple of days? He sounds like a selfish bugger, he's not even trying to change. He shouldn't be texting you to come inside when you are in the garden of your own house, unless you have a 100 acre estate and you are on the other side of it! The pre-diabetes should be a wake up call, not a reason to keep eating. It's not going to be pre-diabetes for long. You don't get the whole evening to relax when you have kids, maybe you get an hour or two at the end of the day but there's loads to do first, I don't know how he doesn't get that. Kids don't put themselves to bed, the cooking doesn't do itself.