Is my marriage doomed?

[honeysunday]

I have been happily married for over 10 years but I’m starting to see that we just don’t want the same things.

I love beaches and water sports and the outdoors and he likes Xbox and television.
Up until now I’ve not really felt it mattered as I always enjoyed spending time with my mum who like me loves the outdoors, we would go for walk and chat while he played his Xbox.
I was a SAHM mum until recently so he was at work but I always took the children out, we are lucky enough to live in a seaside town and my mum would often join us and we spend hours at the beach or the park while he was working or gaming but I lost my mum this winter and I’ve really started to see that he just doesn’t want days out and although not his fault but he’s very pale and doesn’t enjoy being out in the sun so will not go on the beach, doesn’t enjoy walks as he’s overweight and gets hot, he also doesn’t come to the park because he thinks it’s boring and will just play games on his phone when we have days out.

Recenty he’s made more of an effort to have family days out which he says he enjoys but just can’t spend too much time somewhere, we will go somewhere nice and as soon as we arrive he will heading straight for somewhere to have lunch and after that have had enough in half an hour and want to go home and watch a film or something.
We took the kids out to go on their body boards and he gave them half and hour, and then 10 minutes in the park on the way home which was supposedly our day out before he said let’s go now and get McDonalds on the way home.
I am not blaming him, he’s just an not outdoors person but now I have lost my mum and I’m back at work, kids are at school, there is only the weekends but when I suggest I take the children out while he does his own thing, he says no I want to come and then it’s all over in an hour and the kids miss out as we have to go where I would have made a day of it.

If you're so unhappy you've nothing to lose by giving him an ultimatum. Either he changes his 'lifestyle' or you split. And tell him you mean business. He has to engage with his children and yourself in a meaningful way from now on or he's history.

So sorry OP, I feel sad that you’ve been putting up with this utter manchild. I felt so low reading about your holiday. Please go it alone with your kids - you really already are.

I am so sorry you have to put up with this, OP. And him saying you're to blame for not "stopping" him eating crap - he's 40 FFS!!!

It sounds like you need to find others to enjoy active pursuits with. When you have that it sounds like your marriage works fine so it’s not necessarily doomed.

I can’t decide what I find more repugnant. Him having his wife carry all the bags because he doesn’t like carrying things, or that his peak good time is the same holiday park year after year because he enjoys the excuse to drink beer uninterrupted for 6 years every night naff entertainment.

OP, you sound like a great mother, a considerate daughter and as though you have a healthy outlook on life. Please make sure you are living the life you deserve - you only get the one.

OP he sounds absolutely dreadful. He's no husband (so selfish!) and no father to your poor children. Please read the advice on this thread and take it seriously. It will likely only get worse.

What did you guys do as a couple pre children?

I haven't read all the thread, but I have read all your posts OP, and he sounds insufferable! He doesn't appear to be making any effort at all, and is content to just slob around all day stuffing his face!

I'm sorry to say it, but this does not sound like a recipe for a long, happy marriage. You say you love him, but you don't sound very happy. What is your physical relationship like? Are you still intimate together? Does he help round the house and with the children? Do you feel like you are actually getting anything out of this marriage?

I think it's time to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about your concerns and give him an ultimatum; either he bucks his ideas up and starts participating more in family life (without complaining!) or you will walk. If he realises your marriage is at risk, it may give him the kick he needs to change his ways.

Are you the hubby?!

Someone asked how overweight he is. He is 5”8 and 16 stone 6lb which is a bmi of 35 so obese.

If he is so overweight I wonder sleep apnea

From your description op he has no interest in you or the kids. Its all about him.

Even holiday is about him just sitting and getting drunk every night

There is no responsibility to stay in a family life that is unhealthy and toxic.

How is she supposed to improve his gorging and refusing to do anything his family enjoys? He's massively selfish and OP is just now waking up to how incompatible they are and how restricted her kids lives are because of him.

He ate a big pizza and two cheeseburgers at one meal. That:s disordered eating and he's modeling that for his kids and OP has accepted it.

Oh yuk! How can you fancy that? Does he have no self-respect?

He's nearly 5 st over the top end of his BMI 'Normal' range.

I was going to respond but there is such a lack of comprehension in your post I really can’t be bothered.

Do you want him to change or have you checked out now OP?

Hi OP a bit of a cautionary tale.

Over time DH moved away from doing things together. He was happy to stay in and do very little. He left his job (when the kids were at school), leaving me as the only breadwinner but still left me with all mental load, most of the cooking and cleaning, all shopping, all days out all school activities etc. Even though I felt somewhat exploited I stayed. I did not want to leave and split the family.

After a long period of retreating and doing nothing he went down with dementia. I am now his full time carer. It is really hard.

On this anonymous forum I can tell you I wish I had left many years ago.

And his good points are……..?

You’re basically married to a blob with thumbs.

Just thinking in 10 years time if nothing changes, your kids will be out of the home/independent, he'll likely be more obese, unwell, and require care. Are you willing to care for him through your older life stages knowing full well it was self inflicted. You could lose your job/cut back hours, become less able to do things you enjoy, and go into retirement financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally worse off.

Or you sit him down and give him an ultimatum.

I really don’t think ultimatums work in this type of situation. He is more likely to change if she approaches it in a more caring way whilst still putting her perspective forward. He is more likely to change with her support than with a gun against his head.

@honeysunday every reply provides more detail of how selfish your husband is. He’s on his way to becoming diabetic, entirely self inflicted and unlikely to change once he reaches that point. He will likely continue to live his unhealthy lifestyle and will ultimately end up losing a toe, a foot or his eye sight to the diabetes and you will be left to care for him. That’s if a heart attack or stroke don’t get him first.

He likely has insomnia due to sleep apnea from his weight combined with excessive blue light exposure from watching screens non stop and a complete lack of movement.

if he chooses to live this way that’s his choice but this is having a severe impact not only on your life but the lives of your children. He’s not an active parent, he sets a terrible example to the kids and I’m struggling to see what you saw in him in the first place?

I get not sharing hobbies, totally fine, but you sound so fundamentally different in your lifestyles that I can’t see why you ended up together. Maybe he’s gotten worse in the last 10 years, maybe the gluttony doesn’t bother you, maybe you don’t mind that you do all the parenting and he’s just a glorified babysitter, personally I’d be so repulsed by his lack of consideration for others, let alone any of the rest of it, I’d be long gone. He may have underlying mental health issues or have had a bad example set by his own parents but that doesn’t excuse him, he can make steps to improve the situation if he genuinely wanted to, he just doesn’t care enough to do anything about it.

He is very unlikely to change as thats how he was brought up. Something would really have to shake him up.

You need to decide what is better in the long run for you and the kids. The stability of 2 parents & more money versus watching their Dad slowly kill himself while barely interacting with them.

Yes. It makes us all hot when the weather is warm. We do it because not doing it would mean the children don’t have as much fun, and because we’re not deeply selfish. He sounds like an extra child.

Thats just not true!

I’m interested why you think that?