Is my marriage doomed?

[honeysunday]

I have been happily married for over 10 years but I’m starting to see that we just don’t want the same things.

I love beaches and water sports and the outdoors and he likes Xbox and television.
Up until now I’ve not really felt it mattered as I always enjoyed spending time with my mum who like me loves the outdoors, we would go for walk and chat while he played his Xbox.
I was a SAHM mum until recently so he was at work but I always took the children out, we are lucky enough to live in a seaside town and my mum would often join us and we spend hours at the beach or the park while he was working or gaming but I lost my mum this winter and I’ve really started to see that he just doesn’t want days out and although not his fault but he’s very pale and doesn’t enjoy being out in the sun so will not go on the beach, doesn’t enjoy walks as he’s overweight and gets hot, he also doesn’t come to the park because he thinks it’s boring and will just play games on his phone when we have days out.

Recenty he’s made more of an effort to have family days out which he says he enjoys but just can’t spend too much time somewhere, we will go somewhere nice and as soon as we arrive he will heading straight for somewhere to have lunch and after that have had enough in half an hour and want to go home and watch a film or something.
We took the kids out to go on their body boards and he gave them half and hour, and then 10 minutes in the park on the way home which was supposedly our day out before he said let’s go now and get McDonalds on the way home.
I am not blaming him, he’s just an not outdoors person but now I have lost my mum and I’m back at work, kids are at school, there is only the weekends but when I suggest I take the children out while he does his own thing, he says no I want to come and then it’s all over in an hour and the kids miss out as we have to go where I would have made a day of it.

Can you read the bit back where you say he tells you anything you bring you carry and imagine a friend was telling you about this. Please for the love of god leave this loser.

If you want to save this marriage, he needs to change. You need an honest conversation with him about his diet, lifestyle, behaviour, everything really. Does he understand that:

1. The world doesn't revolve around him.
2. He's damaging his health and could be disabled or even dead in a few years.
3. He's setting a really bad example to his children with his selfish behaviour.
4. He's making you question whether you even have a future together.

And stop making excuses for him, it's all his fault. He chooses what he eats, he chooses to watch his wife loaded down like a packhorse while he swans off unencumbered. He chooses to cut short his childrens' fun because he'd rather please himself.

Same here. I'm mega outdoorsy and he just seems glued to the computer.

How overweight is he?
Do you like him as a person?
Does he have any interests other than gaming?
Can you talk to him as a partner/equal?

I'd personally not be able to be attracted to someone who didnt have the imagination to enjoy anything outside of 1)gaming 2)drinking 3) eating out. That is very very limited. Dull as fuck to be frank.

Wow. I genuinely don’t know why you don’t say no I don’t want to go home. Why is he dictating what you do? Anyway, I would genuinely LTB because he sounds like a complete loser.

I’d file for divorce. Men don’t change unless they absolutely have to.

Carrying all his weight makes him hot!

Honestly, @honeysunday , with every post I learn more about your DH. I now really dislike him and I've never met him!

"He doesn't like carrying anything" - seriously?!! When you're going for a family day at the beach with young children!

He is a big selfish controlling manbaby.
I would be making plans to leave him ASAP.

He's not really present in the DC's lives, or yours, and doesn't really add anything of value to any of your lives.

And it will only get worse.

He will get fatter and more unfit with each passing year.

You all deserve more than he is giving. Men like him are joy-suckers - they suck the joy out of everything.

I would take my kids on as many lovely days out as possible, and tell him he is not invited because he only ever wants to stay for a short time.

On your holiday I would be up and out with the kids for the day while he's still sleeping off last night's beer.

Start to assert yourself, OP, or it's never going to change. Your DC (and your future self) will thank you.

💐

He sounds like a 13 year old.

I do love him, I just feel a bit lost, like I’m not living the life I want, deep down I want adventure, I love being out on the water, walking, hiking and I also just like to just sit in nature and watch the kids like on the beach or at the park while the kids play and the adults chat, like I did with my mum.

I like to sit in the garden but as a family on a nice day with the children running around but he won’t come out, he’ll say there’s nothing to do out there, so he’ll be on the Xbox.
I look at friends and family having barbecues and enjoying the weather, and wish that was us, I know I can do all that without him but it’s not the same everything I envisioned seems like a dream now that wasn’t really meant to be, maybe because it was only my dream but if I decide to take the kids out he doesn’t want to be left out and will be offended if I suggest he doesn’t come along and so he does and will stunt the day.

Also OP (sorry to post multiple times) remember your kids get one childhood and then it’s gone.

Initially when it was just a case of mismatched interests I thought that it wasn't necessarily doomed, you just needed to find a bit of common ground. The more it goes on, though, the more serious I think the issues are.

I'd really struggle with this... and the fact that he'll come out for a trip but only if you hold all the bags, which he still uses, strikes me as very mean spirited.

I cannot fathom why you stay with such a totally selfish lump. He won’t even help you carry a few bits for HIS children??
WHYYYY are you still with him? What does he bring to your life and the children’s? Why are their childhoods being sacrificed cos Pizzaface just wants to go home/eat/watch tv/game?

You only have one life, and if I had to spend it with someone who wants to watch TV/game/sit on his arse, I'd go insane. That's not living, it's existing.

Essentially, your husband is lazy, and he doesn't want to do anything that doesn't interest him. It doesn't matter if the children or you want too, he doesn't care. There's no compromise. He whinges and complains if he has to do anything that he doesn't like.

When your children are older and more independent, and it's the two of you, this is what your life will be like....is that how you want it to be? His idea of a good time is holiday camp entertainment!!

Can you remember why you married him in the first place?

I’m an indoors person, art, culture, gigs, even my exercise I’d prefer to do inside. But I’ve spent 30 years holidaying in outdoorsy places, because I love my kids and that’s what my kids loved to do. That’s parenting.

He sounds boring, lazy and selfish.

Does he have any addiction problems? Gaming, alcohol? Because it's sounding more and more as though he just doesn't want to suffer a single moment's discomfort (doesn't like carrying things? Seriously?). He wants life all on his own terms - and you just can't DO that when you are a parent.

Apart from his inertia, his pure selfishness at thinking only his thoughts and wants matter, so he wants to go home after a few minutes out, would put me off him totally.

Shoot me in the head. 7 DAYS OF THAT. Absolutely not. He needs to be told. Why is his agenda the only one that's followed?

Why do you love him?

He doesn't share your interests.

He doesn't enthusiastically share or help to facilitate family days out with you and your DC.

He won't take responsibility for his horrendous diet, and in fact blames you for it.

He finds spending time with you and the DC boring.

He refuses to compromise on time spent away from home.

He is happiest when he is gaming and eating at home.

He won't even carry beach stuff for his very young children!

He is selfish.

I think you THINK you love him, but it's actually just a habit to say that - that's how you USED to feel.

I think the only reason you say you've had a happy marriage is because you got love, companionship, fun times with your DC, and affirmation from your lovely mum (so sorry for your loss), so it didn't matter that your DH was so awful.
She's left a huge gap, and DH isn't even beginning to fill it. You are coming to the realisation that you have no reason to stay with him.

BTW, I would suggest his awful diet of junk and convenience food, which is full of sugar, salt, and chemicals, is massively contributing to his insomnia.
Not that he's prepared to do anything about it.

So what if he's "offended" if you all want to go out without him? Tough shit!

Please, OP, really take a long hard look at your relationship, and see it for what it really is.

Oh fucking hell. Get rid of him!! What a teenager. How are you not livid constantly?

So true.

And his behaviour is slowly but surely killing your love for him, @honeysunday .

You can’t let this go on. Spell it out for him. Give him this summer to make radical changes. If he doesn’t, I would suggest that you get some counselling to help you work through your options.

If he has a heart attack or stroke or gets diabetes, will you feel obliged to stay with him, because you can't divorce a sick man?

If the answer is yes, get out NOW before it happens.

And then you thought, this is the man I want to marry?