Is my marriage doomed?

[honeysunday]

I have been happily married for over 10 years but I’m starting to see that we just don’t want the same things.

I love beaches and water sports and the outdoors and he likes Xbox and television.
Up until now I’ve not really felt it mattered as I always enjoyed spending time with my mum who like me loves the outdoors, we would go for walk and chat while he played his Xbox.
I was a SAHM mum until recently so he was at work but I always took the children out, we are lucky enough to live in a seaside town and my mum would often join us and we spend hours at the beach or the park while he was working or gaming but I lost my mum this winter and I’ve really started to see that he just doesn’t want days out and although not his fault but he’s very pale and doesn’t enjoy being out in the sun so will not go on the beach, doesn’t enjoy walks as he’s overweight and gets hot, he also doesn’t come to the park because he thinks it’s boring and will just play games on his phone when we have days out.

Recenty he’s made more of an effort to have family days out which he says he enjoys but just can’t spend too much time somewhere, we will go somewhere nice and as soon as we arrive he will heading straight for somewhere to have lunch and after that have had enough in half an hour and want to go home and watch a film or something.
We took the kids out to go on their body boards and he gave them half and hour, and then 10 minutes in the park on the way home which was supposedly our day out before he said let’s go now and get McDonalds on the way home.
I am not blaming him, he’s just an not outdoors person but now I have lost my mum and I’m back at work, kids are at school, there is only the weekends but when I suggest I take the children out while he does his own thing, he says no I want to come and then it’s all over in an hour and the kids miss out as we have to go where I would have made a day of it.

If you separated, you’d have whole weekends where you could do whatever you wanted- no compromise. And the same for him!

plus you’d have the chance to find someone with an active positive lifestyle to match yours and to live out a fun life alongside.

Walk away and free your children from this op. He is spoiling their childhood.

One reason he doesn’t like going to the beach is because he doesn’t like carrying anything

Seriously?? Does he think that you enjoy carrying things to the beach?? Like it's your idea of fun to lug equipment around??

I am seething for you. What a massive lazy manchild.

@honeysunday in your OP you keep saying that it's not his fault, but that's not true, is it? He could definitely make an effort to be less selfish and sometimes think about what you and the kids want rather than always putting his own wants first.

He does sound like a lazy 15 year old lad and not like an adult father of two. You do sound very incompatible. DH likes gaming but he also goes outside (!) and does activities with DDs. We don't like the same things- he likes hiking in the mountains, I only like it if it's not steep/precipitous/narrow and have been up several mountains with him, even though it's really not my ideal choice of activity (though I like walking/exercise). I like beaches, pools and water generally. He's not into that so much but the girls and me love it so he had to get over it a bit. There is give and take and we all get to do a bit of what we like on holidays.

Your DH sounds all take and no give.

Kids need to get out and about and run around and see new things. And they have the energy to do it. He's teaching them its ok to sit at home gaming alone and wondering when the next meal is.

Yes. I think I would take them out on the days you all wanted and when he wants to come remind him that you intend to stay out until x oclock. He can come if he wants to do the same, but he usually wants to go home early and that is not happening today. If he does refuse to go, he will find the house very quiet and this might teach him something.
His summer holiday behaviour sounds dreadful.. and I'd just do what you and the kids want to do and then do a reasonable amount of the evening stuff. He can sit in the front row from 5.00 pm alone if he wants.

He sounds very inward looking and seflish.
Having children of this age is memory making and one of the best times, days out are things they remember for a long time. He seems blind to this and unwilling to make the most of it. His loss entirely, but don't let that stop you and the DC making the most of this time.

He doesn't carry things because he gets hot? Fuck me. What a pathetic waste of skin.

I don't like getting up early or making packed lunches but guess what? Do it every day because it's for my kids. I also hate swimming lessons, PTA fundraisers, listening to the school choir murdering Disney tunes and making dens in the forest but I do it all anyway because my kids like it. It's called being a parent.

Was he always like this or just a recent development? How quickly can you leave?

He sounds a bit like my autistic young adult children. I can't say I'd want to be married to either of them. Why are you letting this man child tell you what to do? Why not just say "Well you're welcome to come but if you want to go home early, we're not coming with you"? It sounds like you're minimising his behaviour because he isn't an outdoors person. It would be bad enough if he just always stayed in but him dictating what you and the kids do is not a small thing.

All. Of. This.

We are close, he does find the kids stressful and on top of that he has insomnia and he is always hot and tired, he rarely wears trousers at home in the winter or needs a jumper.

I have lost count of the amount of times he has said he will change but then he puts it on me and says from now on don’t let me go to the shop, you go and just buy me healthy food and I’ll eat it but he won’t and will turn his nose up at the family meal and say he’s not hungry and later he’ll be back eating crap instead because he is hungry.

He was pre-diabetic but further tests showed he was just under the margin so that gave him the green light to carry on.
He say’s I’m just going to eat up all the crap and then once it’s gone that’s it, and then he’ll binge on the lot and then go to the shop and buy it all again and say its my fault because I let him, even though I eat a healthy diet and cook well for the kids but he then treats them to McDonald’s and buys them treats.

He thinks he just has a poor metabolism and can’t lose weight because two days of healthy eating and he’s still fat.
I know his problem, he mindlessly eats while watching telly or you tube, that’s how a whole pizza will disappear while he is engrossed elsewhere, he can’t watch telly with out snacks.

Sounds like Binge Eating Disorder to me OP. That is a complex mental illness so it isn’t just a case of using willpower to stop. I know that doesn’t help you though

I’m sorry, but you need to have a very serious conversation with your husband about him, his health, his lifestyle and his abstention from family life. You cannot healthily continue a relationship with the man you have described. He either needs to shape up or you and the kids need to ship out.
What your kids are witnessing will impact their lives, ongoing. You need to step up for them, and draw some lines in the sand, then stick to them.

He was pre-diabetic but further tests showed he was just under the margin so that gave him the green light to carry on. If he's having a carb festival he will get it. Eating big high calorie carbs like pizza late at night is a) the best way to ensure insomnia, b) the best way to put on more weight and c) the best way to increase the risk of diabetes.

From your description.. He won't be pre diabetic for long. If that test was more than six months ago, he needs to get tested again.

Prediabetic is a BIG WARNING flag and he should be doing everything he can to reduce his risk... its MUCH harder by the time he is fully diabetic.

It leads to so many other life changing and serious conditions

Added to all that, his seated lifestyle and refusal to exercise or carry things on the beach.... all of these behaviours are adding to his risk of developing serious illness. If he did get in the outdoors and do lots of walking with you and the DC, he'd be making great steps towards improving all these health risks. He needs to wake up. If he spends that much time on the screen, he can start looking up pre diabetes and find out what is really awaiting him if he doesnt make changes right now.
Its not easy and he will need support, first step is to re test and ask the GP what support is available.

I wonder whether there would be so little sympathy for the OP’s partner if the OP was male and the “fat, lazy, selfish” one was female?

I can see how it is difficult for him to break out of the unhealthy lifestyle cycle he is trapped in and the OP being understandably frustrated and disappointed in him will not be helping his self esteem or his ability to change if he wants to.

Sounds like he is training and controlling you all to stay home with him.

This is not normal and will affect your kids, not to mention your own mental wellbeing.

Next try telling him that you and the kids will be out the whole day, he can come but he needs to be present for the whole day and can't say 'let's go home'.

If he wants to stay home that's one thing, but he is effectively forcing people to go home or be home with him. Controlling behaviour doesn't deserve sympathy, no matter what sex they are.

If he’s not interested in participating in family life then what is the point of him?

True. They need to have an honest conversation about the situation to find compromise that works for the whole family. If he is getting tired and overheated then there must be ways that he can sit out the activity at that point rather than dictating the whole day. Hopefully, the more he participated, the fitter he would get but that will take time and understanding on all sides.

God he sounds dull. Do you really want this life for you and your DC?

"he’ll say anything I bring I carry so I load the pushchair up with swim wear and towels and the changing bag as youngest is only one while he wanders about empty handed but he will put things in the changing bag that I brought."

I would call anyone who treats their partner that way, whilst their partner is struggling with the luggage and the children, selfish - whether they were male or female.

And its not fair on the DC to keep cutting days out short, so that you can go home and do gaming on the only TV so that no one else can watch it- also selfish, whether male or female.

There's downtime, relaxation and well earned rest and there's routinely choosing not to get involved in family activities

I don't think OP is responsible for his lack of self esteem, she's instructed to buy healthy food, which is then avoided. Then he blames her for his weight issues.
I think she's trying to do her best to parent.

It’s comfort, I remember when I met him and we’d go to his parents house and they would all be sitting around watching telly with tubs of celebrations on the coffee table each dibbing in without dropping their gaze from the telly, bags of crisps chucked about, each would order a pizza and ice cream takeout with bottles of coke and when my parents had invited him for a roast his mum said he doesn’t like roasts, and I said well he liked it and she got quite uppity and said I know what my son likes but he said he just didn’t think he’d like the vegetables as he didn’t like them as a kid but did like them so I think he had just never tried them again.
He now likes carrots and broccoli and green beans and salad but he doesn’t want it very often, usually only when he is trying to change but then he’s back picking in front the telly again.

There’s only so much I can do. I just want a companion in life, not just at home.
He is 40 next year.

How did you ever find him attractive enough to marry and shag multiple times?

You are clearly getting the ick, and I can’t blame you.

His lifestyle will incapacitate him more and more, and the burden of keeping all the plates spinning will fall to you entirely. You will wear yourself out. And then he’ll die…… way before his time.

You don’t have to put up with this.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do/ with your one wild and precious life?

He has kids.
He has to do stuff for and with them. Which may be boring for him
His need to be on a screen comes second.
He is a poor parent.

Carry on without him.
But do make it his responsibility to take care of and entertain dc.

It is so, so difficult, I can totally understand that but I don’t think all the posters who are telling you he is lazy and selfish and to leave him are necessarily helping you.
You say you have been happily married for over 10 years so it sounds like you have a relationship which is worth saving.
Does he realise how desperate the situation has become for you and that you are considering splitting up? If not, could you have an honest conversation with him about it or is it impossible to communicate with him without him blaming you and making other excuses?
He doesn’t sound very happy either to be stuffing himself with junk and not caring about his health.