Is my marriage doomed?

[honeysunday]

I have been happily married for over 10 years but I’m starting to see that we just don’t want the same things.

I love beaches and water sports and the outdoors and he likes Xbox and television.
Up until now I’ve not really felt it mattered as I always enjoyed spending time with my mum who like me loves the outdoors, we would go for walk and chat while he played his Xbox.
I was a SAHM mum until recently so he was at work but I always took the children out, we are lucky enough to live in a seaside town and my mum would often join us and we spend hours at the beach or the park while he was working or gaming but I lost my mum this winter and I’ve really started to see that he just doesn’t want days out and although not his fault but he’s very pale and doesn’t enjoy being out in the sun so will not go on the beach, doesn’t enjoy walks as he’s overweight and gets hot, he also doesn’t come to the park because he thinks it’s boring and will just play games on his phone when we have days out.

Recenty he’s made more of an effort to have family days out which he says he enjoys but just can’t spend too much time somewhere, we will go somewhere nice and as soon as we arrive he will heading straight for somewhere to have lunch and after that have had enough in half an hour and want to go home and watch a film or something.
We took the kids out to go on their body boards and he gave them half and hour, and then 10 minutes in the park on the way home which was supposedly our day out before he said let’s go now and get McDonalds on the way home.
I am not blaming him, he’s just an not outdoors person but now I have lost my mum and I’m back at work, kids are at school, there is only the weekends but when I suggest I take the children out while he does his own thing, he says no I want to come and then it’s all over in an hour and the kids miss out as we have to go where I would have made a day of it.

Why are you all being so spiteful and casually encouraging her to blow up her whole life like it’s a game to you all?
OP, are you going to have an honest conversation with him to try to improve your family life or is that pointless at this stage?

Is there anything, apart from xbox and eating, that he doesn't complain about?

Have you ever talked to him about parenting and how you’d like to bring your children up? Maybe his lack of involvement is due to his upbringing? I would definitely be switching the TV off and having a chat with him about his lack o of involvement and interest in his own children and you! The park is boring for him but you’re not going for his entertainment, he needs to understand how important this is for your children. What does he do with them? Has he ever spent time without you there and not with the TV on? I couldn’t stay with him as he is obviously not interested in being a father.

Agree, park is a little boring but the husband needs to badly change his mindset. How about a kick around with a ball? Push on the swings? Play 'I spy' with things around, basically anything!
It's not as boring if he got involved and surely any good parent will get some joy out of seeing their children happy, putting their needs first? Something this husband has massive issues with.

It is absolutely not a game; this is OP's life and it's as clear as hell that unless her husband is prepared to make sustained, serious and progressive changes to the benefit of not just his family (i.e. start behaving like a husband and a father), but also huge changes to his own physical wellbeing, then her life is on a downward trajectory.

The onus is on OP's husband to take stock and make significant changes. OP can't do this for him.

To be candid, it does not read like he is willing to. She will end up caring for him because he has not cared for himself. No doubt about it. How else do you think this will end if he isn't willing to make a raft of big changes?

Being ND is no excuse to be a selfish knob! I’m ND and absolutely hate the heat but when you have young children (or grandchildren in my case), you often have to put their needs first. If he struggles in the heat, why doesn’t he suggest an outing to an indoor museum, cinema or bowling alley that has air conditioning?

I’m another poster who agrees that your marriage can’t continue as it is. Do you honestly believe he’s capable of changing @honeysunday?

It isn’t clear whether they have had a proper discussion about it though and if he knows his marriage is on the line. I can understand that he has got into a really unhealthy lifestyle which won’t be easy to change but I think it is in the OPs interest to work with him if he genuinely wants to try to change. The carrot works better than the stick especially as he is probably not feeling great about himself

Christ almighty. You really are opposites and clearly, he doesn't have enough redeeming qualities to make up for it. I really don't know how you even got to the point of having children with him. You have a husband who is -

Fat
A couch potato (which has probably led to his current weight problem)
Plays games on his phone when he's meant to be spending time with his family
Prefers being sat in front of a screen generally (gaming or TV), or kid's entertainment. Don't get me wrong, I think some children's shows are charming, but in this context, it doesn't paint a great picture of him.

One reason he doesn’t like going to the beach is because he doesn’t like carrying anything so will make it clear when we go that he isn’t taking anything with him so he’ll say anything I bring I carry so I load the pushchair up with swim wear and towels and the changing bag as youngest is only one while he wanders about empty handed but he will put things in the changing bag that I brought

Shame on him. What a fucking loser and embarrassment. What must people think seeing you handle all that whilst he, your husband, plods on next to his wife like a toddler.

I could have written this myself when I was married.

When my youngest hit his teens it started to hit me that he’d be grown up soon and that would leave just me and my now ex-husband.

i realised I couldn’t do that so I left and it was the best thing I ever did - im so happy now with my new partner who loves gbe same things as I do.

I’ve never looked back.

Who are you to call him a loser?

Most of us can clearly see that he is a total loser. Look how he behaves, look how he treats his wife & kids! Loser.

Be crystal clear with him - you and the kids are doing X, you will be doing it until X time, he is welcome and you'd love him to come but you will not be ducking off for food then home until X time, and if thats not his thing, he needs to suck it up or stay at home.

I feel so sorry for you OP. You have managed to avoid the issue up until now as you had your lovely mum to do family life with you and the kids. And she has been taken from you way too soon and you are left with a selfish, half assed man who CBA to do anything.
Yes it is doomed. But not due to any fault of yours. Being apart of parent means getting out there and getting your hands dirty, not sobbing on your backside and indulging yourself. You are working, providing, and keeping family life going - what does he contribute?

He's made more effort to go out recently as it is a chance for him to eat out at a pub, McDonald's etc. He isn't there for the kids, he's there for the food. Definitely disordered eating there OP.

Were you actually happy for 10 years or did you just have your mum fulfilling the role he should have been so you overlooked how miserable this marriage is?

Would your kids even notice if he moved out?

Oh gosh OP, the more and more of your messages I read the worse it got.

I've seen another person ask about what his upbringing was like compared to yours because I could related to a bit of what you said in your initial post. I grew up doing lots of (cheap) days out with my mum in school holidays like local castles, museums, beaches, long dog walks through woods and country parks and coastal paths. My husband less so. Doing those long days out even if it's down our nearest country park (looking for frogspawn, flying kites, skimming stones, building dens, doing the adventure playground etc) wasn't as familiar to him as it was to me but he's seen how much the kids love it, and we make sure there's something for everyone to enjoy. There's some stuff he's not as keen on so we do that without him! He hates sand in his sandwiches so we can have a longer day out if we eat our picnic in a park near the beach or plan to have a chippy first or we stop at a pub for food on the way home for a treat (a treat for all of us not just him) - the main thing is that we work it all out for maximum beach and sea play time with everyone happy.

Now mine are older I can read my book on the beach while my husband digs holes or goes exploring rockpools with the teenagers.

The not carrying stuff to the beach when you have a ONE YEAR OLD took the absolute biscuit! I've got teenagers now so they carry most of the stuff these days and we don't need a buggy but my God, that is a selfish stance to take as the parent of a one year old and two other children. Is he expecting you to carry EVERYTHING or for your very young children to carry more than he does? Wild.

I'm so sorry that you're mum's not here to have these adventures with you anymore. I can totally understand why your husband's lack of joy or engagement hurts and dampens your spirits.

On a practical note, do you have any close friends with children a similar age (or no children or different age children!) who can join you on your day trips and adventures. You get some companionship on your days out and you don't have to compromise on your children's experiences. Not everyone is a good fit! I know there are some of our friends who do their day trips differently and it can make me a bit twitchy and annoyed haha!

He's disgusting, disengaged. Is your sex life amazing ? If not, I'd be looking for an exitto this marriage. He really is a dead weight. Imagine 20 years time when the kids are gone and you are left with this in retirement....

Oh come on. So he gets a bit hot. That's life!

@JaneEyresuglysister I'm pretty confident on this one. I sure as fuck wouldn't declare that I wasn't carrying anything like this, allowing my wife to carry and push all our stuff.

This.

This was my marriage. My husband did start losing weight through diet, but then, because he was batch cooking (for just himself) he'd never eat with us. I felt like a single parent. The last year seemed to be better, but even on our holiday he didn't want to do anything. He was happy sitting around the accommodation all day. Last winter, he left me. He said we weren't really compatible. I was heartbroken, because I really did love him, but he wasn't wrong. He's 10 years older than me and I think as the kids grow up our lives would have either had to have become more separate or I'd be full of resentment. We're in the process of the divorce and now I'm glad about that. I'm not suggesting that you should, but it didn't take me as long as I thought it would to be over the initial devastation. One less person to have to compromise for.

She's going to be his caregiver before too long. He gorges, he's got disordered eating and that's not a great thing for kids to grow up around. And he doesn't make up for that on other ways with his kids or his wife.

That's not spite, that's a clear look at what the future has in store.

Divorce isn’t great for kids either, however much women on Min want to ignore that fact. They have a responsibility to try to improve their family life before giving up on it especially as the OP has said they have had over 10 happy years of marriage so far

I do hear what you are saying. Of course, if he can make sustained changes, that would be fantastic for OP, the children, and the husband.

However, at almost 40 years old, this is a fully fledged grown-ass man who just wants to sit on the sofa, eat junk, play computer games, and will do a bit of performative parenting - lip service, but there's no real inclination behind it to actually be fully invested in family life, or fully invested in his own wellbeing, a bit like a teenage boy. In other words, if he wanted to be an invested and present parent and husband, then quite simply, he would be. As they say "if he wanted to, he would".

I don't believe you can make someone "want" to be involved in family life, or "want" to look after their own health - even the prediabetes diagnosis wasn't enough for him to make permanent changes to help secure a more stable future for himself, healthwise. People either want these things and act accordingly... or not.

It's also incredibly selfish not to look after yourself then risk having your partner look after you because of your own selfish behaviour.

Caring for someone who has an accident or illness through no fault of their own is a totally different thing, isn't it? But someone like OP's husband hasn't even given it a second thought that his wife is potentially going to have to be wiping his arse further down the line because of his terrible lifestyle choices... it doesn't get much more selfish than that.

I think you need a very serious chat with him, pretty much along the lines of shape up or ship out as you are not going to spend your life like this. His choice. You will do what you can to help him by choosing things he may like, that are of shorter duration to start with and also when cooking healthily cook things he will like (like pizza!) but essentially he needs to start to change or that's it. And he bloody well carries stuff too when you are out and if it makes him hot he can carry a personal fan too!