Is my marriage doomed?

[honeysunday]

I have been happily married for over 10 years but I’m starting to see that we just don’t want the same things.

I love beaches and water sports and the outdoors and he likes Xbox and television.
Up until now I’ve not really felt it mattered as I always enjoyed spending time with my mum who like me loves the outdoors, we would go for walk and chat while he played his Xbox.
I was a SAHM mum until recently so he was at work but I always took the children out, we are lucky enough to live in a seaside town and my mum would often join us and we spend hours at the beach or the park while he was working or gaming but I lost my mum this winter and I’ve really started to see that he just doesn’t want days out and although not his fault but he’s very pale and doesn’t enjoy being out in the sun so will not go on the beach, doesn’t enjoy walks as he’s overweight and gets hot, he also doesn’t come to the park because he thinks it’s boring and will just play games on his phone when we have days out.

Recenty he’s made more of an effort to have family days out which he says he enjoys but just can’t spend too much time somewhere, we will go somewhere nice and as soon as we arrive he will heading straight for somewhere to have lunch and after that have had enough in half an hour and want to go home and watch a film or something.
We took the kids out to go on their body boards and he gave them half and hour, and then 10 minutes in the park on the way home which was supposedly our day out before he said let’s go now and get McDonalds on the way home.
I am not blaming him, he’s just an not outdoors person but now I have lost my mum and I’m back at work, kids are at school, there is only the weekends but when I suggest I take the children out while he does his own thing, he says no I want to come and then it’s all over in an hour and the kids miss out as we have to go where I would have made a day of it.

You're not wrong to feel like this, and the loss of your Mum has likely awakened you to the fact that life is short and you only get one.

I would say, don't make any rash decisions, and get some counselling if you can.

I say this as someone married to a TV addict who sounds amazing similar to your husband - can't do a full day out, just wants to go home. Sets unfair or unrealistic time limits on play or activities when out, and is just generally disinterested. I've been having similar thoughts to you for some time, but have been making slow progress.

My tactic so far has been to go out and enjoy things with the kids or friends but without him. I always ask if he's joining us, often in front of the kids so if feels guilty saying no, and he will quite often join us now. The less you do, the less you want to do. Start slow.

I did tell him he wasn't an active participant in the kids lives, and they will know that as they get older.

So sorry for your loss xx

Can you join a local walking group and possibly water sports club? You say you were happily married for 10 years so maybe this may give you your outdoor fix and also get your kids involved.

I think this is less about your marriage (though it’s also that) and more about how your dc have a shit dad who doesn’t want to do anything with them.

There are millions of things to do that don’t involve being outdoors. Why isn’t he doing those things? I have cancer and because of that, my mobility can be limited and I can’t be in the sun. I actually really like being outdoors and being active, but it’s not always possible.

It doesn’t stop me taking my dc on trips into our nearest city to go to museums and restaurants and shopping, cinema, bowling, the swimming pool. I go to the beach on cloudy days and we go for days out on local woodlands. We can do soft play and pottery painting and the library. Also weekend city breaks away to do all the above somewhere else. There are loads of things to do with kids that don’t involve the beach. He needs to get off his lazy bum and do those. I have advanced cancer. It doesn’t stop me taking my kids out or going away on holidays with them.

Yes, if he is just a lazy sod who doesn’t give a shit about anything but eating or gaming, I’d find it hard to enjoy being married to that.

@honeysunday he sounds very disengaged as a parent and a partner. He needs to really take a look at his life and decide whether he’s doing the best for his kids or whether he’s actually being very selfish. Parenting is hard and involves a lot of sacrifice, including doing things you’d rather not do but you do it because that’s how you connect with and build bonds with children. If he continues like this he will not have a close relationship with your children by the time they are adults and it could negatively affect the way they view relationships, or what they think is accept behaviour.

Would he be receptive to a frank conversation?

Bearing in mind that in a decade or so your children will have their own lives and it will just be the two of you. How does that look?

We have booked a week in a holiday park in the summer holidays, one he likes to go to and as usual he plans to go over to the evening entertainment (the focus of the holiday for him) which is largely kids entertainment but he will want to get there as soon as it starts at 5 so he can get a good seat and then stay until 11:30 (6 and a half hours) when it closes, he will enjoy this as the kids can run around and play while he drinks 2 jugs of beer, he’ll then get up late, we’ll go out for an hour or two and get some lunch somewhere and then he’ll want to get back to get showered and make sure we’re ready and over there in time for the evening entertainment at 5.
Repeat x7 and he’ll say what a wonderful week we’ve had, let’s book up again.
He would happily not leave the accommodation all week apart from to go to the evening entertainment.

He does enjoy eating out, and things like archades, shops and bowling but he’s got to be entertained or he’ll he bored so an hour doing something stimulating is ok but then he’s ready to go and he’ll happily sit back at the accommodation and watch you tube videos on his phone.

What a bore! I couldn’t be married to him. It’s the kids I feel sorry for.

Well, I couldn't live with a man that selfish, self-indulgent and inconsiderate. Or that unhealthy. He'll end up really unhealthy if he lives like that. I'd struggle to respect him. It sounds like having another 8yo.

You are the one who has to live with him, and you seem to have nothing in common.

What would happen if you insisted on staying out longer (privately to him not in front of the children) when he decides it's home time?

It honestly sounds like he doesn't want to spend time with his own children. When you're at home, is he just doing his own thing constantly while you take care of the kids? Sounds like you're already a single parent tbh.

Pretty much the same as it does now.
I go out in the evening, for a walk or go shopping or see a friend and he plays Xbox.
I’m not able to sit and do nothing so I don’t watch a lot of telly so I don’t mind him using it for his games.
It’s good that he’s always home so I am free to come and go while the kids are sleeping as he has no interests out of the house except all going out to eat somewhere.

I do feel for the kids never having a tv though when he’s home. The oldest comes out with me because she’s bored after the little ones are in bed and he’s gaming and she’s up until 9 or 10 then when she goes to bed he will cook a pizza and watch half hour of telly while he’s eating that before bed.

She does have a telly in her bedroom but shares a room with one of the younger ones who goes to bed at 7.

he says no I want to come and then it’s all over in an hour and the kids miss out as we have to go where I would have made a day of it.

So make a day of it?

Whats stopping you leaving him at home or saying “No, we’re not leaving now, your children and partner are enjoying ourselves and we only get to do this at the weekend. Suck it up or don’t come if you care about anyone besides yourself (you massive prick!)”

He would just stand there so bored and keep complaining that he was ready to go, there would be so many reasons to get going, he’s hungry, needs to get back now and have a shave, shower, make work lunch, go to the shop, tired, too hot, getting cold, traffics picking up.

Sounds like you are married to a batchelor boy.

If you would enjoy life better without him, both now, 10 years time and when you are old and wrinkly, get rid of him.

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds horrendous. You and your kids deserve much better than this. I would seriously question if you can stay married to someone so unwilling to participate in family life in even the most basic sense.

While you mull over the divorce question, take your kids on some brilliant days out and don't invite him.

I think I would start saying “your welcome to join us but we will be leaving when the kids are ready to go so bring a book”.
then when he kicks off you say “this is a trip for the kids are they are having a lovely time. Is this how you want their childhood memories to be? Daddy always saying how bored he is to be with them and trying to rush off?”

I think separate yourself a bit (as much as you can with the lose of your lovely mum) on holidays just get up and go without him so it’s a nice trip for you too! The space will help you to decide if you want to stay, or if him being there is more one extra person for you to organise

What’s the point of him?

Leave. Life is too short to be married to a man like this.

Can I ask, did he do days out as a kid with his family? I did, my DH didn't. When we had kids, I noticed he almost didnt know how to do a day out, he would sort of try to put time expectations on things and struggle to be spontaneous. I found it hard as my childhood was a lot of spontaneous days out, beaches, countryside etc. We're good now and he loves a day out but we could easily have not been that outdoors type family if I was the same as him.

Just wondering if it's the same for your husband?

I would lose patience with someone pale, over weight and obsessive about screens. He sounds lazy, boring and selfish. The least he could do if he loves his family is get healthy and spend time with his children.

I agree with you OP that 30 mins on body boards and 10 mins in the park is a bit rubbish. I know it sounds silly, but could you plan to travel home separately so that he is at least there for some of it and then leaves when he wants to and the rest of you can stay?

Splitting up is certainly another possible option. You don't seem to be getting much out of this relationship.

Sounds like his favourite things are food tv and gaming. Not his wife and children ! This would drive me bananas.
did you not do days out as a couple before having children ? What’s changed for him ? He doesn’t seem to be a present and active dad.
we are a very pale very ginger family and we love a long family day out. Get him some SPF50 !
and have a frank convo re shape up or ship out

I said last weekend when we planned to go to a beach which isn’t just a beach, there’s shops, restaurants, park, places to walk or sit so I said I would take the kids if he wanted to chill out as they will want to go in the sea and play at the park and would want to stay a while but he insisted on coming.
One reason he doesn’t like going to the beach is because he doesn’t like carrying anything so will make it clear when we go that he isn’t taking anything with him so he’ll say anything I bring I carry so I load the pushchair up with swim wear and towels and the changing bag as youngest is only one while he wanders about empty handed but he will put things in the changing bag that I brought.

In general, I wanted to say that you shouldn't rely on him for your own happiness. It is fine to be married to people who have different interests etc. you can all sort yourself out etc.

But the more of your replies I read - it just sounds like fundamentally you don't like him (for very fair reasons), and all of these personality problems that may have been easier to ignore before are now increasingly obvious.

Hard to come back when you just don't like someone anymore. Unless they are really willing to change.

He doesn't like carrying things? OP, I beg you, he is such a BABY. You say your marriage has been happy. Where are the happy parts???!

He wanders about empty handed ?!!
that is SHAMEFUL