Is my marriage doomed?

[honeysunday]

I have been happily married for over 10 years but I’m starting to see that we just don’t want the same things.

I love beaches and water sports and the outdoors and he likes Xbox and television.
Up until now I’ve not really felt it mattered as I always enjoyed spending time with my mum who like me loves the outdoors, we would go for walk and chat while he played his Xbox.
I was a SAHM mum until recently so he was at work but I always took the children out, we are lucky enough to live in a seaside town and my mum would often join us and we spend hours at the beach or the park while he was working or gaming but I lost my mum this winter and I’ve really started to see that he just doesn’t want days out and although not his fault but he’s very pale and doesn’t enjoy being out in the sun so will not go on the beach, doesn’t enjoy walks as he’s overweight and gets hot, he also doesn’t come to the park because he thinks it’s boring and will just play games on his phone when we have days out.

Recenty he’s made more of an effort to have family days out which he says he enjoys but just can’t spend too much time somewhere, we will go somewhere nice and as soon as we arrive he will heading straight for somewhere to have lunch and after that have had enough in half an hour and want to go home and watch a film or something.
We took the kids out to go on their body boards and he gave them half and hour, and then 10 minutes in the park on the way home which was supposedly our day out before he said let’s go now and get McDonalds on the way home.
I am not blaming him, he’s just an not outdoors person but now I have lost my mum and I’m back at work, kids are at school, there is only the weekends but when I suggest I take the children out while he does his own thing, he says no I want to come and then it’s all over in an hour and the kids miss out as we have to go where I would have made a day of it.

Have you talked to him candidly about the way he ruins your days out and how little he takes his kids needs into account?

My ex husband was like this. We had to do the same thing at the same place over and over and over because he didn’t like change and could not bear to be inconvenienced in any way. We had 3 children really close together and he resented the fact that he couldn’t just switch off at the weekend. He drank in the pub every night and smoked and snored. We had slept separately for years and our sex life was dead but he was too embarrassed to see the doctor about his ED.

So what I did was I made sure that I cooked him healthy meals and that he had enough space and peace to follow his hobbies. I made sure I was always presentable and that the children didn’t bother him. I gently suggested counselling and always had my makeup on nicely and a pretty ribbon in my hair, even when I’d been up all night with the babies in succession.

And do you what happened? He transformed into the man I thought I’d married - caring, generous, patient, ambitious, protective.

Only kidding, he continued to be a massive selfish cunt and so I divorced him and dragged every fucking penny out of him that I could, and kept the house and now have a lovely life and excellent sex in what used to be our bed. And we all lived happily ever after.

Look ahead to retirement. How does it look? You will be living an independent lifestyle long before then, or should be if you have any sense.
we are retired and do everything together, travelling, walking, cycling, so much more pleasurable.

You don't have a marriage, OP. I'm so sorry.

Don't waste any more of your life on someone who doesn't care enough about his children or his wife. This is not even the bare minimum.

A grown man playing video games, especially in preference to spending time with his wife and children, would give me the biggest ick known to womankind. I would run for the hills as fast as I could go.

I really feel for you OP and what you say here about watching other families having barbecues etc makes me feel so sad: for you and your kids especially, but also for him, because even if he isn't and could never be an outdoors person, and even if he's really introverted and rigid about what he likes, I'm still not sure that anyone would have a fulfilling life with so little chance for spontaneity and connection.

If it were just him about disliking certain activities and places that you're into, this would be hard but possibly navigable. Many couples seem to pursue very different interests and lifestyles but somehow make it work. The key, I think, is respecting that the other needs lots of time to do their thing but then also having some sort of way to be together and for those times to feel good too - a shared interest or even just a commitment to hanging out and giving one another attention frequently in between all the other stuff.

But do you and your DH have that good way of being together? It doesn't seem clear that you do - unless there is some sort of shared passion you haven't mentioned, or perhaps the most incredibly sexual connection ever known holding you together here.

The things that seem espeically troubling from my perspective are:

• his refusal to be left out. It sounds like what he really wants is to play on games by himself, but the fact that he can't be at peace with you and the kids doing your own thing, so ends up sabotaging your fun, is the part I would find intolerable. Surely if he has any empathy or care for his family, he would have noticed that he is making you and the kids unhappy and would feel bad about that! I wonder what's going on here. Is it a control thing? An insecurity thing? A thing where he half-heartedly tries to be something he isn't but can't stick the landing even once?
• his habits around gaming so much when his DD is up bored with nothing to do, and on his phone playing games when out with you all. It makes me wonder whether he actually enjoys your company and that of the kids. Does he have any interest in them? Does he like watching them or listening to them or involving them in his things? Because it sounds like he is living like a particularly self-absorbed single teenager as a 40 year old bloke with a family (and actually most teenagers I know can put the phone or console down to interact with other people and with their environment!). What does he want to be with you all for if he is so unengaged?

I'm no doctor, and of course I don't know your DH's physical health and mental health history... but I will hazard a guess that the insomnia, the eating habits, the lack of outdoor time, the screen addiction and the staying up late to game and then watch tv are all related in a big mutually reinforcing cycle. His body clock must be screwed and he must be so over-stimulated by the time he actually tries to sleep.

I'm curious about whether autism and / or ADHD might be playing a role with your DH's feelings about things - whether he is struggling with strong sensory preferences that put him off being outside or getting too hot / cold, or a need for rigid routine to try to regulate his emotions and distress. If that's the case, it might help with understanding him and empathising with him... but it sadly still doesn't mean that you should have to be fine with it all if you want your life to look different to this. Neurodivergence would also not explain an apparent lack of empathy!

P.S. Strong sensory needs or not, the refusing to carry things is... interesting!

You do realise his health is really going to go downhill and you will end up being his carer?
My parents had very different interests. But they came together for certain things, usually travel which they both loved.
He was by no means lazy just not outdoorsy. But he did love gardening as did she so they’d spend hours on it.
I can remember having nearby neighbours who never did anything except eat and watch TV and this was the 80’s. They had a huge freezer in the garage which we thought was like a spaceship.
Both parents died long before mine and all three kids were obese. They were lovely kids as well but they just sat indoors even in the summer.
At 40 this man is hugely selfish. I know it’s hard getting out of a rut but he’s not a bachelor. He needs to be active to be a decent husband and father - letting you carry everything is awful.
He sounds like a far more senior person who has given up on life. Ultimately it’s in his hands and he is not thinking of how his behaviour affects yours.

An overweight woman would still look after her dc and carry things they needed, i can guarantee it.

I relate to bits of this, but no where near as bad. My DH is a complete home bird - he loves just pottering about the house, reading, gaming, whereas I love getting out into nature, hiking mostly. I didn't have a Mum like yours, but pre-children, we did a very outdoor hobby together, so for years I assumed he enjoyed being outdoors - but it turns out that was the bit of the hobby he didn't like!

Then when the kids were little, I just took them out on my own, he always had "stuff to do" (I e pottering about the house), so rarely came. I'm a bit of a loner anyway, so it didn't bother me, and those days out with my girls are some of my fondest memories.
Dd2 is now 16, DD1 left home, and it dawned on me recently that DD2 has effectively become my life partner in terms of having someone to do things with - we both love a good hike, going to the cinema etc. It hit home when she was revising for GCSEs and I had no one to do stuff with, not on a whim anyway. I felt really lonely.

I would never hold back DD2, I want her to have her own life, and I would never leave DH, and I strongly believe everyone should do what makes them happy, so when the time comes I'm going to join a hiking club and maybe other stuff, widen my circle of friends to include more people who like hiking.

When your DH does come out with you, then wants to go home after an hour, can't he go home and you stay out? That's what we sometimes did - even if it meant him driving home, then driving back to pick us up later, or going in 2 cars.

He's heading for an early grave with his current lifestyle. You need to let him know you don't want to be a young widow but he is the only person that can do anything about it. I would be telling him unless he does something to change i would be filing for divorce.

Not really a fair solution is it. He is not taking part in the family life he helped create is he. All the parenting is being left to the OP. The children are not as important to him as his games console. He is already unhealthy, another few years of crap diet and not daylight could me he can't work and becomes someone else for the OP to look after. OP this is not a partnership. You and your children deserve better.

He's a knob.

He sounds like a fat, lazy man child.

I think you should separate and give yourself the opportunity of meeting someone who has more in common with you.

I think when you start working you start feeling that bit more freedom and wanting more for yourself and looking after yourself more. Saying that it all depends on everything else, do you smile a lot with him, chat, do you tell him about your day, look forward to seeing him etc etc etc?

I also had a momentary wonder if he might be ND, simply because his avoidance of any discomfort and his dislike for being anywhere he doesn't feel totally in control reminded me of my XP. He also couldn't cope with being hot and his preferred activity was to be in a room with the curtains drawn, watching TV.

My DH and I have very different interests in terms of going out and about. We still enjoy each other's company so I do the things I enjoy and he doesn't, such as country walks, with other people. We don't have children at home though and I think I would get frustrated if we did.

Oh God, I’d tell him to stop whinging - he’s a grown adult, as parents we all do things we’d rather not for the benefit of our kids. I couldn’t live like that - he’d either be told to grow up or piss off, what does he actually bring to your life.

Your husband is a selfish loser. He sounds boring and lazy. You and your children do not need him dragging you all down

@Marycontrarygarden

I think many families are centred around the males agenda and managing the male mood. It was like that in my parents marriage and in mine. I divorced though lol.

I hope that things change but change seems to be happening very slowly.

The. Horror.

That's a metaphor for your whole marriage there.

Your husband is not just a fun sponge for your poor kids, he's a really good example of how to be unhealthy. Sit around, gorge mindlessly, and expect to be entertained by TV or gaming.

What do you get out of this marriage?

If this is real OP it’s bloody tragic. Leave him, he’s awful.

Agreed.

OP, he is behaving like a dysregulated child.

I'm prediabetic, and the changes that need to be made to reverse it need to be sustained for the entirety of life. The way he is now eating - he is on a fast track to type 2 diabetes, and all the complications that will follow. It is not the case that you reverse it, then you can eat whatever you like again. Unfortunately!

I would leave. You will end up being his carer. He isn't showing that he is capable of looking after himself properly, let alone nurturing his relationship with you or his children.

Unless he's prepared to make drastic changes in his overall attitude to family life and his own health, then you are in for a very stressful future with this man and you'll find it even harder to extricate yourself from him further down the line.

He sounds like a spoilt, fat, miserable blob whose carer you will be in 15 years' time.