Is my marriage doomed?

[honeysunday]

I have been happily married for over 10 years but I’m starting to see that we just don’t want the same things.

I love beaches and water sports and the outdoors and he likes Xbox and television.
Up until now I’ve not really felt it mattered as I always enjoyed spending time with my mum who like me loves the outdoors, we would go for walk and chat while he played his Xbox.
I was a SAHM mum until recently so he was at work but I always took the children out, we are lucky enough to live in a seaside town and my mum would often join us and we spend hours at the beach or the park while he was working or gaming but I lost my mum this winter and I’ve really started to see that he just doesn’t want days out and although not his fault but he’s very pale and doesn’t enjoy being out in the sun so will not go on the beach, doesn’t enjoy walks as he’s overweight and gets hot, he also doesn’t come to the park because he thinks it’s boring and will just play games on his phone when we have days out.

Recenty he’s made more of an effort to have family days out which he says he enjoys but just can’t spend too much time somewhere, we will go somewhere nice and as soon as we arrive he will heading straight for somewhere to have lunch and after that have had enough in half an hour and want to go home and watch a film or something.
We took the kids out to go on their body boards and he gave them half and hour, and then 10 minutes in the park on the way home which was supposedly our day out before he said let’s go now and get McDonalds on the way home.
I am not blaming him, he’s just an not outdoors person but now I have lost my mum and I’m back at work, kids are at school, there is only the weekends but when I suggest I take the children out while he does his own thing, he says no I want to come and then it’s all over in an hour and the kids miss out as we have to go where I would have made a day of it.

I'd be more concerned that he's lazy, fat and childish, and due to his lifestyle may struggle to reach his 50s.

Sounds like he's switched off from the family entirely. I presume he was indulged and self centred as a child?

I'd be thinking heart attack on legs...

Carrying things makes him hot.

Drinks 2 'jugs' of beer...?

I can picture a sweaty, half cut man in an England shirt with stains and unshaven pallor...

God, he's as grim as they get.

He drinks that much with his kids watching? Jesus

Does carrying jugs of beer make him hot?

(exceptions can always be made) :)

He doesn't like carrying things because it makes him hot? He's coming across as really pathetic here OP.

Gosh OP he spunds worse with every post. I just cant imagine what sort of grown man with kids behaves like this. Utterly lazy and selfish behaviour.
I don't really know where you go from here but I couldn't stay married to someone like that - so if it were me he'd be having an ultimatum !

Another man where you think his only saving grace must be he's got a huge chocolate knob and he knows what to do with it.🙄

I have warned him about his diet, he will eat an entire large stuffed crust chicargo town pizza to himself as his lunch when he’s at home and then make 2 double burgers with loads of cheese later on and snack on sharing bags of crisps.
For work he takes about 5 chocolate bars like time out or rocky bars 4 pan au chocolates, sandwiches and energy drinks and 2 or 3 bags of crisps and he’s sat down at work all day but if I say anything he’ll say yes but I didn’t have any breakfast.

he doesn’t like carrying anything

How on earth did you ever manage to have sex with this man enough times to have kids with him?

Don't get me wrong, I'm an overweight bloke who loves a bit of gaming and mostly enjoys the evening bits of holidays where I can have a few beers, but this guy is just utterly pathetic! It's like the only bits of life that are of any interest to him are the parts where he doesn't have to expend the slightest bit of effort to enjoy them.

I just don't get how you could possibly find him attractive?

I'm starting to wonder if this is even real.

FFS this will only get worse as he and the kids get older. He sounds unbelievably unattractive in every way. Does he even engage with the kids at all? Who stops their child from watching telly because they want to sit gaming? Would he even notice if you left?

See if he is interested in going on Mounjaro and reclaiming his health. If he was healthier he might feel able to do more.

Part of being a parent is doing things you find unspeakably boring for long periods of time because it makes your kids happy. You get over your boredom by seeing them happy, and knowing that’s it’s only a few short years when they want you involved like that. Why does his boredom/too hotness, etc, trump the rest of you having fun?

I agree with you OP, I would re think your marriage. Might be worth a shot at counselling first but only if he can see he doesn’t get to have main character syndrome now he’s a dad.

Playing devils advocate here, I’m wondering if he would like to participate more in family life but he is so tired, unfit and overweight that he finds everything you do physically a real struggle? I can relate to that and it is so hard to make the necessary change. Could you try to see if he feels this way and if not then it does seem like a lost cause. If he would like to change then it will take time and support from you but you would all benefit in the long run. He probably feels your criticism, disappointment and contempt at the moment which won’t be helping him.

You're married to a fat, lazy, pathetic slob that doesn't care to engage in his children's lives.

What do you see in him? I can't imagine there's anything to love left, so why are you still there?

Sorry, he's selfish. He's not meeting even in the middle of all of your needs.
I think you've married a teenager, he's not grown up. Wanting to play games for hours, watch videos on his phone and whine that he's bored. This is 13 year olds up and down the country.

He really is the boring one and he is letting his life, and chances to create fabulous memories for the kids slip by.

DH has problems with his spine sometimes but would still feel utterly embarrassed to have me carrying everything while he wanders around with his hands free. He’s also really hairy so gets hot, he’ll still pick up the majority of stuff.

Theres loads of stuff we do as a family that I don’t enjoy but DC do so I just bote my tongue and get on with it. DH is probably the same. You should be able to suck it up for a while, he’s selfish which is the most concerning.

He sounds really boring and limited. I think grown adults gaming is pathetic. We don’t have one person in our large group of friends that does this - they have more about them.

I’d also not be prepared to raise kids in a household where the dad stays home and games and has basically checked out of family life and this is seen as normal. I don’t know how you could have an ounce of respect for him.

He puts himself first, he sounds like a moron and your kids deserve better.

He is living the life of a single man and needs to understand that cannot continue. He needs to step up and stop pleasing himself all the time. Why does he think he is special? ALL parents get bored playing with their kids sometimes, but you do it anyway, because it’s important to the children. EVERYONE gets hot and bothered lugging stuff to the beach, but you do it anyway, because it’s part of pitching in as a family.
What is his relationship like with his parents and siblings? Do they all give him a free pass for everything?

It sounds awful to ask, but is he very overweight by any chance?

The stuff you mention really speaks to an unhealthy mind and body to me... always trying to plan things around when he next gets to eat, planning to get junk food takeout on the way home, drinking TWO JUGS!? of beer on a family holiday of an evening. Complaining he's tired, and hot, and needs to sit down or go leave so he can lay down at home and play on his phone.

He sounds like an awful example to the kids and I'd struggle to be attracted to them. I had a friend like this, obese and it made everything such a chore, but every outing had to be focused around when they'd next get to eat, what the plan was for food, copious amounts of alcohol whenever possible, couldn't walk very far without complaining and stopping, couldn't do stuff that involved standing around. Just generally made every trip out a nightmare.

Are you attracted to him? Do you love him? I would struggle to sustain this marriage personally without some major changes. Does he like himself? Does he want to improve his health, weight and fitness?

I just read more of your posts, OP. Come off it. He’s repugnant. Why are you wasting your time with him?

I also used to find going to the swing park with the kids boring but I did it because they enjoyed it, so your husband shouldn’t get a free pass on that. He sounds like a child himself. Not sure if he’ll change so you will have to find other people to go and do things with and tell him that if he wants to come with you and the kids on days out, then he needs to stay for as long as you and the kids want to or stay home.

One day your children will be grown and gone and it will just be you and him. You need to ask yourself if you’ll be happy spending the rest of your life just you and him in those four walls?!

If you really want to give it a go you need to have a clear and direct conversation about what you’d like him to do to put more effort into the relationship.

If he doesn’t make any changes, you have your answer.

If he gets hot easily, he needs to lose weight/buy a neck fan/increase his fitness.
If he gets bored easily, he needs to GROW UP. Its not all about him??? Does he think you or any other parent find all child related activities exciting? No?

Why do you think that you havnt broken up with him? He wont die of being bored, he wont die of being hot, he doesnt want to spend any time with you or the kids and opts out of parenting because he's bored. He isnt a nice man and he isnt a good father. No nice man would watch his partner carry the family load like this.

How’s the rest of your relationship going? How’s your connection- do you go on dates does he make you feel loved in other ways? Do you trust him and he you. Can you have a laugh together?