To call it a day with DP as his "ex" wife books yet ANOTHER holiday on one of her custody weekends and he just sucks it up.

[mondaycando1]

They have 50/50 custody, she has half the year to book holidays and yet in the 3 years we've been together, she must have booked half a dozen holidays that mean he's needed to have the kids on her time. He NEVER says no for fear of upsetting her.

Their divorce has dragged on for most of those 3 years (they've been separated 6+ years, she had an affair, still with the bloke as far as he knows) as he deferred to most of her demands and didn't fight them for fear of upsetting her.

He was really ill last month which meant we had to cancel the long awaited 5 day break we had booked (I also have 50/50 custody, same pattern, so 5 days is the most we can get away together, other stuff often gets in the way so this only happens a couple of times a year).

Just this morning, to celebrate him finally being able to push the button on the divorce final order today, we fathom out another weekend in 3 months time we can get away together. What happens this afternoon- she tells him she's booked a holiday that very same weekend we had free and could he have the DC? I totally swear she's done it out if spite because of the final order. Of course, so he doesn't upset her, he's agreed.

Fuming here.

Yes bottom line is he's weak I guess
yes this. How could she have possibly done this out of spite unless he told her your dates?

he could have said enjoy yourself but we are away so you will need to find a babysitter for the weekend.

Would you go away if your ex left your kids with someone they barely knew for a weekend?

Dad has to look after his kids.

I would be ending it but wouldn’t cancel. Take a friend with you instead and just make the most of it.

And some parents can be very spiteful, happy to hurt their kids. I know people are calling him a wet blanket, but honestly, in his shoes, I don't know what I'd do if I was worried about losing access to my kids. It's up to you what you do OP, I can understand you being upset, but with so many people behaving like this woman does this days, there's a lot of poor kids (and adults like you) stuck in these situations.

Im sorry you’re upset, but respectfully, situation sounds more complex than a ‘weak’ man.

It’s very easy from the outside to say he should simply stand up to her, but if the reality is that every “no” creates more drama, conflict, guilt-tripping or stress with the children in the middle, I can see why he chooses the path of least resistance. That doesn’t necessarily mean he is weak; it may mean he is trying to keep things calm for the children and for himself. Swallowing his own feelings to prioritise his kids, sad, maybe commendable, not weak.

Problem is avoiding conflict with the ex is causing conflict with you. You need to have a discussion, perhaps agree a joint strategy to deal with the ex.

Great to hear of a man who is putting his kids ahead of his dick. There aren't enough of them out there so I am sure that if you dump him, you'll soon enough find one who prioritises his dick over his kids.

I think he would be far more weak if he chose a relationship with a woman over one with his children in all honesty.

Pretty sad read from the kids perspective.

Aren’t all the dates of who has the children laid out ahead of time? IMO she needs to rearrange if the former is the case.

Zero sympathy. If you didn't want to be encumbered by his children you should have picked a child free man.

Quite, the dates are regular routine! I am absolutely not expecting him to put "his dick over his kids" its the utter inability to have security to be able to plan anything that's frustrating.

It must be very frustrating. Does he expect you to be around? Can you go off anyway? I know it’s not the same.

That's a genuinely frustrating pattern to watch play out, especially right on the heels of the final order finally going through. The timing does feel pointed, whether or not it actually was.
A few things stand out from what you've described:
The core issue isn't really about holidays or custody weekends — it's that he doesn't feel able to say no to her. That's been the throughline for three years: deferring on the divorce terms, deferring on the custody swaps, agreeing "so he doesn't upset her." The holiday bookings are just the latest place it's showing up.
That's worth him sitting with, separate from how angry you are right now. Not "why does she keep doing this" but "why do I keep saying yes." Because even if she stopped tomorrow, the pattern will resurface somewhere else — a different ex, a demanding boss, anyone who pushes — if the underlying habit of avoiding conflict at any cost doesn't shift.
For you, it's a rough spot to be in. You're not his ex, you have no standing to raise it with her, and yet you're the one absorbing the fallout every time a rare five-day window gets swallowed. That's a legitimate thing to feel resentful about, and it's fair to say so to him directly — not as an ultimatum, but as "this keeps costing us, and I need you to actually push back sometimes, even just to ask for a different weekend."
Is this something that's just happened, or has today's news made you want to raise it with him tonight?

Why doesn’t he say no Im away that weekend. Mind boggling.

That's a genuinely frustrating pattern to watch play out, especially right on the heels of the final order finally going through. The timing does feel pointed, whether or not it actually was.
A few things stand out from what you've described:
The core issue isn't really about holidays or custody weekends — it's that he doesn't feel able to say no to her. That's been the throughline for three years: deferring on the divorce terms, deferring on the custody swaps, agreeing "so he doesn't upset her." The holiday bookings are just the latest place it's showing up.
That's worth him sitting with, separate from how angry you are right now. Not "why does she keep doing this" but "why do I keep saying yes." Because even if she stopped tomorrow, the pattern will resurface somewhere else — a different ex, a demanding boss, anyone who pushes — if the underlying habit of avoiding conflict at any cost doesn't shift.
For you, it's a rough spot to be in. You're not his ex, you have no standing to raise it with her, and yet you're the one absorbing the fallout every time a rare five-day window gets swallowed. That's a legitimate thing to feel resentful about, and it's fair to say so to him directly — not as an ultimatum, but as "this keeps costing us, and I need you to actually push back sometimes, even just to ask for a different weekend."
Is this something that's just happened, or has today's news made you want to raise it with him tonight?

Rather than him pushing back, why doesn’t he try a different approach. When she tells/asks him about a certain date, can he say ‘yes that’s fine, can you have the dc on x date instead then, and you arrange a weekend away at a different time (that’s on the assumption you can swap with your exdh.

She’s already said there’s zero swapping with her dh. End it op. He wouldn’t cancel a work conference he had to be at, would he?

i think the issue seems to be communication between your DP and his EX regarding holidays.
Neither should book a holiday before confirming with the other that childcare will be covered that needs to be nailed down.
Unless your DP isnt being honest and his reasoning is that he wants to spend more time with his children (i can imagine only spending 50 % of time with my kids and if i have too id jump at any chance to see do more.)

This is completely crazy. I thought you were going to say that his ex was booking childfree holidays during her time with DC and it was limiting your free time together and he won't confront her about shortchanging the children. But she's asking him to take the DCs during a time when the two of you have already made concrete plans to be away and he's still agreeing to take them? There is absolutely no way that that's OK. This request shouldn't impact you at all; he just says "no" up front and leaves it up to her to reschedule her holiday or find alternate childcare.

Either he wants to see the DC as much as possible and doesn't care about your feelings, or he's so passive (or maybe specifically afraid of his ex) that he's pretty much useless as a partner. I bet he's not even insisting on CMS for the extra days he does.

If he can't even discuss this constructively with you, I doubt there's any hope.

The ex wife is though. Why isn't she including the kids in her holidays or are they just for shagging? She's behaving appallingly. If he stood up to her I doubt he'd loose any custody as it sounds like she wants as much child free time with her bf as possible. Also btw she owes maintenance if the balance isn't 50 50.

Tell him to tell her to shove off.

Don't listen to anyone who tells you "well he's their dad he has to do it", that's BS. She's taking him for a ride! She has plenty of weekends to go and do her thing, why do you always need to be the one who accommodates.

Read 'say goodbye to crazy', and stop being a doormat!

Umm sorry but in this scenario it's the ex wife who's putting a dick ahead of his children.

It's the ex's weekend though, so if she really wants to go for a holiday then she needs to sort out childcare. And no, the author's husband isn't on-call childcare, just like the ex wife isn't theirs. Each should stick to the agreed schedule!

He's more bothered about upsetting his than upsetting you.
Id go away without him. You need the break from Mr Lilly Livered

Every parent is a 100% parent, or they’re a twat. Whatever the official arrangement, there’s a million reasons one person will end up with more than expected (or sole) care. It could be illness, death, co-parent being a twat. Whatever the reason, every decent person is willing and able to have their own kids full time. So if you aren’t on board for being with a person who has kids all of the time then you should stay away and date those without kids.