To call it a day with DP as his "ex" wife books yet ANOTHER holiday on one of her custody weekends and he just sucks it up.

[mondaycando1]

They have 50/50 custody, she has half the year to book holidays and yet in the 3 years we've been together, she must have booked half a dozen holidays that mean he's needed to have the kids on her time. He NEVER says no for fear of upsetting her.

Their divorce has dragged on for most of those 3 years (they've been separated 6+ years, she had an affair, still with the bloke as far as he knows) as he deferred to most of her demands and didn't fight them for fear of upsetting her.

He was really ill last month which meant we had to cancel the long awaited 5 day break we had booked (I also have 50/50 custody, same pattern, so 5 days is the most we can get away together, other stuff often gets in the way so this only happens a couple of times a year).

Just this morning, to celebrate him finally being able to push the button on the divorce final order today, we fathom out another weekend in 3 months time we can get away together. What happens this afternoon- she tells him she's booked a holiday that very same weekend we had free and could he have the DC? I totally swear she's done it out if spite because of the final order. Of course, so he doesn't upset her, he's agreed.

Fuming here.

When did people start forgetting that you can take your kids on holiday with you. Sun cream ✅, sun towel ✅, kids ✅

To be honest I think you have a good one there. He’s prioritising the kids. How must they feel when their mum is choosing a holiday over seeing them, when she many other weekends she could go too. But the kids will be ok because they have a strong steady parent in their life, namely your DP. He is putting his kids needs first, I call that good parenting. You probably do come second to him, but to me that’s being a good parenting. I would steer clear of any bloke who wouldn’t do that.

I’d always prefer to have my kids than not. No way would I want them in childcare when I could take them myself, especially if I only saw them 50% of the time.

I get your frustration OP but as someone doing 50/50 yourself I’m kind of surprised that you can’t see that.

You both are still parents, after all. His ex is jerking him around, but he sounds like a good dad. I don't think you can expect to have child-free time when kids are in you your life. If you were still married then you'd be taking the kids away with you. Sharing custody gives bonus child-free time that you'd normally not get. The ex is not playing by the rules so the dh has to enforce them. If he won't then OP has to suck it up or move on.

This led to my breaking up with a partner because he would NOT say no to his ex wife.

It was her weekend to have custody and she was due to go on a work "outward bound" weekend. Her sister was supposed to do childcare but was ill and her parents refused. So she came back to DP. She could have cancelled the work weekend but claimed it would affect her chances of promotion. We had booked a rare weekend in a lovely hotel. It was rare because I worked every other weekend on an inflexible schedule so getting the same one off together was tricky at best of times. I told DP this was a deal breaker. If she herself had been ill and unable to do childcare it would have been different. But she was putting a social weekend before her own children and he was subbing her out. However he cancelled the booking and i cancelled him.

He tried to make it up later but I knew I would always come second place to her and his inability to say NO.

I’d rather see my kids than know they were going to be shipped off to a friend or family, and my kids would always come before a relationship.

This would be relevant if his ex died or went to jail or something. She hasn’t, she’s perfectly fine, she’s just selfish. This man can’t manage a partner until he has some boundaries. Even parents who are married can have child free weekends, and this man can’t. It’s perfectly good parenting to tell your ex we have to stick with the arrangements one weekend a year.

Only if you prioritise the parents rather than the kids.

His first duty is to his children - and I'm sorry, but you make them sound a bit like a football getting kicked back and forth. If she is using the kids against him, someone has to be the adult in the room and put the kids first and it looks like it's him. She sounds the kind of spiteful woman who would pick up her ball and got home cut off their contact with their dad at the drop of a hat, so unless he can afford a small fortune in lawyer's fees, he needs to be careful to stay on her good side. That's the situation. Take it or leave it.

Why is he so worried about upsetting her?

That’s just how parenting works. It can never be 100% predictable. Especially when they are teens. They get sick, injure themselves, forget to tell you about events, gets jobs, lose jobs, stay out till the middle of the night, sleep all day, lose their passports, drop their phone down a ravine, become paralysed with grief when they experience their first heartbreak etc. I think because your setup is completely set in stone with your ex you have the ability to completely put parenting aside half the time, but I think very few separated parents have such rigid arrangements.

Well he’s a good dad clearly but also a bit of a wet lettuce as others have said. He shouldn’t be constantly rolling over and accepting her every demand. Every so often sure but she’s pulled stunts like this repeatedly. He’s doing this at the detriment of your relationship too. I’d expect his children to always come first, as they should but right now he seems to also be putting his ex wife before you which isn’t right.

This isn’t issues with his children though. You’re absolutely right to say if his children had issues and wanted him to help, then yes sometimes he’d have to drop plans with OP to help them. This is his ex wife though who keeps booking trips away on days she is supposed to be looking after the DC.

He's weak but you can't get your ex to change a single day?

Yes, I am just saying that the majority of parents have to be flexible when it comes to their own plans being disrupted because they are needed elsewhere by their kids. It is the kids who needs him that weekend regardless of who has changed the plans. I think the fact that this dad is picking up the slack without argument is commendable. He is doing what is best for his kids rather than try to point-score to show his ex that she can’t change the terms. He is being the bigger person and I think that will benefit his relationship with his children in the long run.

This! I would much rather be with a guy who puts his kids first and wants to spend more time with them than a man who feels inconvenienced that he has some extra days in a year that he care for his own offspring.
i find it bizzare tbh, some peoples mentality when they split is that they ring fence chunks of their lives to have without their kids, to me. I’m a parent first and foremost and if I ever spend a second feeling miffed that I have to cancel plans or miss out on something because I have my kids with me (whether as part of a usual routine or not) I remind myself that I’m not a selfish prick who should feel entitled to weekends away without my own children, if I was still in a marriage this would be even more tricky to plan

But he isn’t needed by his kids, that’s the thing. He’s pandering constantly to his ex wife. I get being the bigger person but I don’t think he is, he’s just being a wet lettuce at the detriment of OP.

Also to add, I was your partner is this scenario for many years when the kids were young and my ex was awful, he’d blatantly make plans with no regard for my time or what happened with the kids and I found peace in the fact that I was the solid the kids needed, I never ever made them feel like an inconvenience, I made sure they knew I was delighted at extra time with them even when this involved cancelling my own longstanding plans. In your shoes OP I don’t know why you would punish your husband for stepping up

Spineless oaf for prioritising his kids? Mumsnet at its man hating finest…

Half a dozen times in 3 years you say. So twice a year, and the bloke is getting a kicking for stepping up for his children.....seems....harsh!

So only 6 times in 3 years he has had his children during your “off” time?
Honestly if I was him and my new partner was taking such an issue with this I would be the one ending it.
Not everyone sees their children’s as pawns or something to use to win. So what if he’s had them a couple of weeks extra over the space of 3 years? Maybe he just doesn’t think like that and is happy to have them!

He is though because their other parent is going away so he’s stepping in and looking after them. It’s not about pandering to his ex, it’s about offering stability to his kids.

if a mother had to have her kids on a weekend when they were supposed to go their dad’s but he cancelled, nobody would be saying she’s a wet lettuce or that she’s prioritising her ex before her new man and that she should just send them to a relative.

i get that it’s the ex that has caused the disruption, but just because the dad decided to pick up the slack doesn’t mean he’s weak or a walk-over, he is just mature enough to see that the people who would suffer the most if he refused would be his children.

Is there no CAO in place? Are these kids getting a holiday or is it just the adults that get to swan off?

My partner was exactly the same. He wanted to keep the peace & please his ex. Also more than happy to have extra time with his son. I didn't mind so much as we'd do stuff with the kids but I put my foot down when she expected him to do DIY and drive over to assist if she broke down in her area, an hour's journey away, when the AA or RAC or the bloke she had an affair with and left him for could more than suffice.

Been there. It's annoying.

DP loves having his boy, so didn't want to challenge and didn't want to negotiate the time back that she'd taken.

He wasn't being a wet lettuce. He loves his son. He wanted his son to know he was always welcome with him. He is an amazing dad.

It ended up being the thing that split us up. I wasn't willing to have my life impacted so much by his ex wife.

After 2 years of not seeing each other, but lots of texting, DP and I gave it another go. His son is now older and doesn't need him so much. DP is accepting he doesn't need to be home if his ex changes her plans and son stays at DPs when he should be with ex.

You can't change how he behaves, but you can decide your response to his choices.

All the best with it.