To call it a day with DP as his "ex" wife books yet ANOTHER holiday on one of her custody weekends and he just sucks it up.

[mondaycando1]

They have 50/50 custody, she has half the year to book holidays and yet in the 3 years we've been together, she must have booked half a dozen holidays that mean he's needed to have the kids on her time. He NEVER says no for fear of upsetting her.

Their divorce has dragged on for most of those 3 years (they've been separated 6+ years, she had an affair, still with the bloke as far as he knows) as he deferred to most of her demands and didn't fight them for fear of upsetting her.

He was really ill last month which meant we had to cancel the long awaited 5 day break we had booked (I also have 50/50 custody, same pattern, so 5 days is the most we can get away together, other stuff often gets in the way so this only happens a couple of times a year).

Just this morning, to celebrate him finally being able to push the button on the divorce final order today, we fathom out another weekend in 3 months time we can get away together. What happens this afternoon- she tells him she's booked a holiday that very same weekend we had free and could he have the DC? I totally swear she's done it out if spite because of the final order. Of course, so he doesn't upset her, he's agreed.

Fuming here.

I would be annoyed too. But not sure what you can do if he won’t argue with her. Do you want to live your life like this?

He’s clearly a wet blanket from what you say!

Why don’t they swap if one of them wants to get away during the other one’s custody time?

Can you ask her to swap to have the kids another time when you are free, thus allowing you to do your break on that date? That is, assuming he won’t say no to her, as he would also be reasonable in doing (she should have checked before booking!)

Been through that. Very annoying not knowing when/if you can make plans because of the ex’s schedule. If your partner is content with it and doesn’t want to rock the boat, then there isn’t much you can do unfortunately. I understand why you’re so annoyed though.

Maybe he doesn't say no because he's keen to have extra time with his dcs.

He needs to stand up to her or lose you. There is nothing worse than someone who’s pussy footing around the other parent because it only leads to them being constantly walked all over.

He needs to tell her that he’s actually away on those dates already so she’ll have to find alternative cover or rearrange her trip.

Are you sure it’s ’not to upset her’ and actually ‘because I want extra time with my kids and don’t want them to be shipped off to relatives’

why don’t you encourage him to say ‘sure, but will you take them for me on x dates’ when it works for you, then it’s agreed that it’s locked in.

I doubt he wants his children being cared for by others when it could be him if he’s a decent dad

if he pushed for 5050 he needs to accept that inconveniences happen sometimes

How many years of this have you got before the children have agency over themselves? If it is an otherwise great relationship and not too long I'd probably suck it up and just accept this is how it is. If they are primary aged then I think the resentment will built until the relationship fails anyway so you may as well call it sooner rather than later. I'm assuming 'swaps' which would also affect your ex, are a non starter?

OP, your DP is so weak he couldn't knock the skin off a rice pudding !

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this wet lettuce?

IMO if the divorce hasn't gone through after 3 years it is unlikely to do so.

Maybe it's time you rethought this relationship?

I can see why you’re annoyed op, it does seem like a fairly deliberate attempt to disrupt your plans. Could he agree but ask her to have them on one of your weekends so that you can go away? If he’s done it for her numerous times it will be quite unfair for her to refuse.
Can’t fault him for wanting to be present for his kids, but also can see your frustration at his ex still having control over your lives.

I mean at the end of the day he is a dad first. If he wanted to say no he could.

I’d end it simply because he is still legally married. He has no business dating if he can’t sort his own life out first. The think with the kids is further evidence ige is a weak ineffectual man.

Maybe he'd rather have the kids himself if the alternative is they go to another relative. Maybe he's worried she'll restrict custody if he stands up to her. Maybe he just likes having more time with his kids.

I've seen plenty of women in this position on MN, with useless husbands who won't have the kids as per the agreement. I've never seen those women being accused of being wet, weak, ineffectual or unable to stand up for themselves. The fact is someone has to look after the children, if one parent won't do it the other has to step up.

What would happen if you insisted you went away that weekend?
Do you have both sets of children at the same time so that you get free days and weekends without any children?

But how did she know you had identified a weekend 3 months from now to go away together? Maybe she’s booked this holiday as a celebration of the divorce as well? I’m not understanding how you think she’s doing this out of spite?

Maybe if he said no she would say she’s going anyway. That’s what my ex says when his schedule doesn’t work for me. He just pretends to ask - really he’s already booked something. Unfortunately you can’t force the other parent to have contact if they won’t.

I always find it odd people think childfree couple time is an entitlement in blended families when it’s not something other parents have unless they use paid or unpaid childcare.

Some women love to do this kind of thing. Some men don't want to rock the boat because it will potentially make life more uncomfortable for their children. You hope that these things are reciprocated but often not eg my husband's ex insisted we have their children the day and weekend of us moving into a new house. This same woman took off to India leaving one at home on their own aged 14 🤷‍♀️. You would think childcare arrangements were brought down the mountain by Moses. What did we do ? We rolled with it - she met a new man and became more reasonable. Only you know the ins and outs of their relationship. It's easy for people to say just dump him. Life is complicated at times and sometimes you have to be the better person.

I get that it’s frustrating if you had made plans, but I’d rather be with a man who wants to have his kids as much as possible than one who doesn’t. She’d be unreasonable to deny a swap so that’s worth asking.

If I only saw my children half the time I would also jump at any opportunity to have them more. I definitely wouldn’t send them off to a relative just to have even more time away from them.

Fear of what? She wont stop him seeing the kids if this isnt the first time shes done it, it would be inconvenient for her.

Just tell her no.

Thats really shitty.
You need to ask yourself whether you want to stay with someone who has no boundaries and is happy to always puts his Ex before you.. Yes children should always come first but his Ex shouldn't and he is enabling her behaviour. He'd clearly rather meet her needs and upset you. It would be a firm no from me I'm afraid.

I've been there. My sage advice - think very carefully about him and your future together and what you hope for it. The ex being able to annoy you in this way only lasts a few years.

No, he's not weak - he's looking after his own beloved kids. In your shoes, I was hacked off but I saw what a good dad he was and how she was playing silly games that wouldn't last forever. Now we have kids together and his first kids are grown, and brilliant much loved members of our family. Ex is off in her own life with no power to play us like puppets. It was absolutely worth being patient and rolling our eyes, and we got to spend more time with his kids (who are great) due to the silly games. We did know though that we were all in it for the long haul, and this was just one of the things we had to ride out.

Do you think of him/your future like that? It might be worth waiting for.

Or it might not! Only you really know

It's more than that. It's about the all round atmosphere, the communication, her behaviour with the kids and what she says. You've never met one like this ?

What choice is ex actually giving him though? Either he says yes or kids shipped off somewhere else with the mum probably telling kids dad doesnt want them. Its a tricky situation. Id do the same as your partner tbh

Thanks for the different opinions folks!

I totally get the wanting more time with your kids, lord knows the 50/50 I have hurts but my ex won't swap point blank so we're stuck to the weekends we have, I don't doubt he's a good father though hardly know his kids, the whole "blended" family thing isn't on the agenda at all, certainly not with 4 teens.

Yes bottom line is he's weak I guess.