Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

Most houses have one bathroom, 4 people from the same family sharing it is not odd.

You are not being unreasonable for not wanting to, but can you suck it up for your husband? Agree yes for this year - but make it clear it won’t be every year.

It is not "how we do it in England", although 1 bathroom in an old house is fairly common.
Just say no.

You are an hour away only? Do a day visit, return next day if desired.
If planning to have children then don't get forced into a tradition you don't want.
But you have to be willing not to drink so you can drive home in the evening.

Why does 'only' one bathroom matter. There are only 4 of you. I only have one....there's 4 of us all the time!

Yanbu, nobody can make you do this if you don't want to. It's only an hour away and perfectly possible for you to just gofor the day if that works best for you. They are right that staying over is a normal thing but it's not required - your MIL would certainly be considered very unreasonable if she didn't invite you both to stay, but you have no obligation to accept. The cultural pressure for this is mostly due to the assumption that you'd want to stay over so that you can have as many alcoholic drinks as you like during the celebration meal. If you'd rather stay sober and drive home that's fine. Just say "no thanks, I won't sleep well if I'm not at home and it's not worth the grumpiness nect day for the sake of an hour's drive"

DH and I don't drink so that's not really a problem. I suggested a day visit too but apparently their family has this tradition and routine they've been doing every single year since his birth (his mum especially LOVES Christmas). DH thinks we should just do whatever makes her happy.

^ This is the solution, right here.🙂

Traditions change as new generations mature though. DH is a married man now not a small boy and of course his Christmases aren't going to be the same for ever any more than his mum is still doing the same things at Christmas now that she did when she was 10. DH needs to have a word with himself. If he has a choice about making his mum happy at the expense of making his wife sad, or vice versa, he's supposed to choose the wellbeing of his wife and expect his mum to get over herself. That's what (some of) the marriage vows mean.

@BitTooEarlyForXmas "DH thinks we should just do whatever makes her happy."

Your DH isn't a child any more who has to please "Mummy". He has a wife now and is his own man, surely?
As other posters have said, don't set a precedent or you'll be stuck for ever and a day kowtowing to "Mummy" and feeling resentful.

You sound very precious! Come on, be nice to your mother-in-law. It's only two nights, you aren't missing out on your own parents because they are too far away to visit. You need to embrace this with an open mind. I'm not wild about sharing bathrooms with anyone other than my DH but when I know that I am going to have to do so I pack a small bottle of bathroom cleaner and a microfibre cloth in my bag so I can clean around (if required) before and after running a bath. It's good manners anyway to leave the bathroom you have used at someone else's house spotless afterwards. If you accept the invitation this year you will have a lot to think about if you find it intolerable and don't want to accept another year and you will be on good ground because you played along this year. I suggest that you already think about how YOU are going to host Christmas for your PILs in future. You can't control your in law situation by avoiding it entirely, only by researching it and working out solutions that are optimized for everyone.

I would say very clearly I’ll do it this year, IF you accept and you tell your mum, while we are there, that we won’t do this more than every other year, and if you can’t hold the line there I will have to chip in and say I’ve been asking around and have accumulated a long list of people who say no it’s not how we do it in England. It’s either every other year, or never, and we will revisit any usual arrangements if we have kids, as the kids will be our focus. Your choice re evrry other year or never, but if you don’t tell your parents it’s not next year then it will be never again from me.

Two nights is not too much to ask. And moaning about having to share a bathroom is really a bit precious and overprivileged. It’s still the norm for many of us and we manage fine.

apparently their family has this tradition and routine they've been doing every single year since his birth 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Then it’s not just this year you’re battling with, it’s every single Christmas in the future.

As for it being “normal” to stay all together, it’s quite common, as in not unusual , but also a frequent source of tension as many MN threads will show. I disagree that all staying together is so the everyone can neck alcohol though. It’s just a family get together but, really, that’s only necessary when people live far away and have to travel. Like the Thanksgiving family pilgrimages in the US and Canada

I’d not want to stay at anyone’s house at Christmas. So I don’t think you’re unreasonable for this aspect of your post…they only live an hour away, it’s mad (to me!) to insist on this adult sleepover!

However, the ‘one bathroom’ thing is not a problem OP! Around 70% of homes in the UK only have one bathroom.

It is partly about staying 2 nights.

But much more about them being their own unit and being permitted to start their own traditions, and not getting swept into doing everything her PILs way. The OP won't get to eat at a time of her choosing, or anything, it will all be 'this is how we do it'.

It also isn't about just this one year. It us putting a stake in the ground that things will change and adapt.

Otherwise in 10 years time OP will have DC who have never woken for Christmas in their own house

Everyone thinks their Christmas is traditional and everyone does what they do right up until DC bring a partner and suddenly the partner has different traditions.

You and DH need to decide what are your Christmas traditions are starting this year. It helps manage expectations if you have children.

I would agree to stay over for one night as a compromise but say to my husband that Christmas is about everyone not just his mum and you will be anxious about the toilet situation and also will want some time over Christmas to enjoy being in your own home not theirs.

Put your foot down now. Her traditions are not yours. Do not let this start to become the status quo.

I'm surprised if you have known each other for 15 years you weren't already aware of his family's tradition of spending Christmas together in this way and that it hadn't been a subject of discussion at some time.
You need to sit down and have a serious discussion because the role your H sees his parents playing in your marriage could be a huge stumbling block in other areas as well as Christmas.
I don't think making comments to him about the fact they only have one bathroom is very helpful though - it's a very normal situation but it certainly sounds as though you think less of them because that's what they have.

I wouldn’t stay over as they only live one hour away. Drive down Christmas day and return home the same day. I wouldn’t bother going Christmas Eve or Boxind Day. Some years you might want to spend that time with your parents abroad.

Just because you do it this year doesn’t mean it’s written in stone forever. I’d be inclined just to do it, it’s only a couple of days, and might be a really nice time, you never know

To be fair to your mother-in-law - she isn’t asking for anything that unreasonable. It is reasonably standard to spend Christmas with your relatives.

OP isn't refusing to spend Christmas with them. They live an hour away and don't drink. They can drive there for the day. There is no need whatsoever for them to sleepover if they don't want to, and OP doesn't want to.

I’ll never get this thing of sleeping over relatives houses at Christmas. We’ve done this once in 17 years married. I l have my own bed and own house, I’ll stay there thanks!

@BitTooEarlyForXmas you’re not being unreasonable to not want to participate in this sleepover. Put your foot down now.

mummy doesn’t trump all