Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

You take your own bathroom spray? 🤣

OP shouldn’t feel obliged to stay for two nights, this a bit much!

Oh OP, it is too early but I’m having such a similar panic! Take it from me, sort it out now!!!

We live 6 hours from the in laws. The village they live in has a train about midday on Christmas Eve and then nothing until 28th!!!!!

Last time we went the first grandchild had been born and we were going through infertility. We were put in a hotel so the new parents and grandchild could have adequate room in the house. It was horrendous. The hotel is a small village hotel so we were just a huge inconvenience to them being there over Christmas. They were nice but very pushy about knowing our timings etc as they had work around us. By the end of Christmas Eve it was clear going had been a mistake but we were stuck until 28th.

Also to add, the new parents and baby actually live an hour away and kept popping off to different events locally in the village and in their home area, so honestly if they needed “space” they could have been staying at home. As a parent now, that would be my preferred option.

Fast forward, we haven’t been back. There are now three grandchildren (one of which is ours! 💖💕✨) so no idea what they will want us to do accomodation wise, but I’m not having my baby’s Christmas in a hotel! (Unless it has an outdoor pool and 12 hours of sunshine!) And I will not be trapped in that village for multiple days. Stand up for yourself now so you don’t end up like me 😭

Just compromise and stay for one night? Surely you can suck it up for 24 hours. Either have Xmas eve or Xmas night at your own home.

Just say

I have been thinking about xmas and all your traditions, now I am starting out married life I want to start some of my own traditions with dh at home on xmas morning and then come and visit for one night and try out your traditions - before we have children.

You state why you're doing what your doing
you compromise by having one night rather than two
you embrace the idea of trying some of their traditions
go home Boxing Day am
You drop in there that it'll change again when you have children

Compromise is needed. At the most I would offer to alternate: if you do things yoir husband’s way this Christmas then next Christmas it’s your turn to decide. I would strongly advise to not get sucked into having the exact same arrangements every year- especially as you don’t seem to like your MIL much. No judgement btw she sounds like a bit of a cow.

It might be nice. Why not give it a go this year, but make it clear it won’t be an annual thing

It doesn’t sound unreasonable, people tend to muck in and make do to enjoy a family Xmas, but you don’t want this to become an expectation for every year

It’s only 2 nights! I would do it to make DH happy, then make it clear that next year it’s Christmas on your own. One bedroom in a house is quite common, don’t be a bathroom snob!

Maybe one year they could come to you.

I assume they are looking for you to arrive Christmas Eve and stay until Boxing Day?

I don't think this is about just this Christmas its about every Christmas in the future, including with kids. I know some people love the idea of a John Lewis advert big family Christmas. Personally I like having just us on Christmas morning. It's more chilled.

If you start the Christmas Eve thing it can be a hard thing to change later. You also don't want them thinking they can invite themselves to yours on Christmas Eve.

I'd say No to Christmas Eve and maybe to Christmas night if you both want to enjoy a drink.

If you don't want to stay, say so. Your DH can stay, you come home ergo don't drink and then drive home. The following morning you can drive back. You won't miss much....

I was expecting a lot more of an issue tbh, you sound very dramatic! Staying somewhere for 2 nights over Christmas is hardly uncommon, nor a massive ask. You're entitled not to want to obviously, but this overreaction is a bit off.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, you've said you and your now husband have spent much of the past 15 years travelling around. His mum wants a family Christmas, I can't see why that's a problem it's 48 hours! And your main objection is, she asks you questions, is too nice and there's only one bathroom 🤷‍♀️

What about future Christmases when you want to visit your parents, assuming you'll want your husband to stay more than 48 hours then?

Can you compromise on 1 night? Or just plan to "feel sick" or be "on your period " on the evening after the festivities and drive home to sleep in your own bed? Let your hubbie stay though.

If you are about to get married, you seriously need to discuss compromises. It comes with the rings and contract if it is to last.

It clearly something that means a lot to her and because your OH loves his mum, he wants to make her happy and do this for her. That makes him a great son. Don't start creating problems just because you now want things your way.

Make an effort for this once a year event. There will be things that are massively important to you that he won't want to do and if he loves you, he'll compromise.

That's how a solid marriage is all about.

Dh comes to my mum’s house as little as possible and mostly doesn’t stay over Christmas. You can of course say no but for me you get married you should fold into the extended family a bit just because you want your partner to have a nice Christmas. People on mn say about going home but it’s the getting to chat until late in the night or whenever then heading up to bed then all up for breakfast together that’s the lovely part for me.

Exactly it’s not like all four of them will be in there at the same time…..

He should think about making YOU happy, time to let go of the apron strings.

Maybe think about when you’re older, with grown up dc, and how nice it would be for them to come to you for a Christmas?

I can’t imagine being so objectionable about spending just a couple of nights with DHs family.

I’m sure they would feel really hurt if I didn’t want to, in the same way my DM would feel hurt if she thought DH didn’t like her/want to spend time with her.

Presumably, when you will now go and visit yours, you will be staying with them significantly longer than two nights. How would you feel if DH said he didn’t want to spend that time with your family?

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t agree to it becoming a tradition, but once every few years would be fine.

Marriage is full of little compromises like this.

This.
OP you sound like you have very little real life experience.

You must be earning loads, live super comfortably, and come across as a bit precious.

2 nights is beyond reasonable. Be grateful you're invited, enjoy the time bonding with family, and invest in these close relationships.
If waiting 15 minutes to get into the shower bo5hers you, life has treated you very well so be grateful.
Signed, someone who grew up in a house with multiple kids and one bathroom, and still only has one bathroom with 2 kids. And we have many problems but 1 bathroom is a total non issue.

I’d be worried this will be expected every year to come, even if DC come along. I’d be keen to win this power struggle and set a precedent tbh.
The bathroom thing is irrelevant.

This place is bonkers sometimes

“Power struggle” over a perfectly ordinary Christmas invitation 🙈

Disagree with this. Don't get swept into a Christmas tradition you don't want, just to keep your in-laws happy.

You and your DH are a family unit now, and may want to start your own Christmas traditions, and if you want to spend Christmas in your own home, that's perfectly normal!

You need to be firm here with your DH, if you have kids in the future you'll be starting your own Christmas traditions, and not be bullied into staying with your in-laws because "MIL loves Christmas". Your DH needs to put you first now, not his mum.

What is the actual issue of being there for two nights? Is it just the bathroom?

If it is then YABU as it’s only 2 days!

We only have one bathroom.

I agree with this.

I'd also offer to host, everyone should have/take a turn at Christmas.

I'm also ok with feeling uncomfortable with only one bathroom, as I've got older there are certain moments one likes to keep discretely sway from others as my ch as possible.