Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

I think YABU it's really not that big of an ask and one bathroom between four is a very normal situation for most people. I thought yiu were going to say they were planning to have loads of other overnight guests. However I do think it is reasonable to say 'og it's so lovely you invited us we are looking forward to it, but just so you know it won't be something we can do every year as we will be starting our own traditions as a family.

it sounds like the first time you will be joining them.
whatever you do this time will set future precedents…. Keep that in mind.

If you don’t want to do it you don’t want to do it (even though your DH clearly does want to), but YABU in making the bathroom the main issue. Four people sharing one bathroom for a couple of days is not the end of the world. I can only think that you don’t realise how you are sounding.

Would one night work as a compromise or would that just make everyone unhappy?

I wish my kids lived close enough for us to do Christmas without everyone needing to stay over as it can get awkward, I just don't have room for everyone even with GC on blow up beds.

This ^
the bathroom argument is a red herring. You don’t want to stay because you prefer to go back to your house, it’s actually absolutely normal and luckily in your situation its doable ( one hour drive, you don’t drink).
I won’t budge. Set the precedent this year.

By the way I wouldn’t like your MIL comment about “ how you do it in New Zealand. It had a bit of passive aggressive undertone.
Is your DH an only child?

If you are an hour away just go for the day.

But do recognise that it takes two to make a family friction and while you feel claustrophobic at being expected to fall in with her matriarchal tradition, your “They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.” sense of quelle horreur is princessy and difficult.

I think it’s actually granted when they live an hour away. It isn’t even necessary and there are no children.

Why should OP stay with them when she could literally go home and come back?

I absolutely would see one bathroom as a problem. I wouldn’t be staying for that reason alone, I’m not a child, I need my personal space. However, I get others, and many on this thread, don’t see a single bathroom as an issue. You do though op. I wouldn’t stay. Just not my thing. Hotel maybe, or just go home. It’s not that far and you don’t drink.

Yes, but why doesn’t OP also need to think about what will make him happy? If it was a woman wanting to continue the family tradition of being with her parents over Christmas, would you still be talking about "apron strings"?

Your MIL is so excited to include you in her family Christmas which she loves. Go along, be nice and let them share your DH’s family life and traditions. Tell your DH it will not be forever (I’m sure the PIL’s realise things might change if you have kids or if you go to visit your parents). You can really make your new MIL very happy here. You can even mention to her while you’re there that you love her family’s Christmas traditions and are looking forward to having your own in future. Just let her have this year. It could set you up for a great relationship with your in laws.

Could you go for Xmas day, then you go home, and leave DH there for the rest of the time? Or you go both days, but you go home to sleep and leave DH at his parents to sleep? Everyone might prefer that anyway - DH and parents get to spend a bit of time together without you there? Loads of couples split themselves in various ways at Xmas, especially if they're from big families, or blended families.

I would also consider what you are going to do when there is an Xmas when you want to visit your family or they want to visit you - use it as part your negotiations now! If you're spending Xmas at PiL this year, then it is only fair that you spend next Xmas with your family, if that's what you want to do.

If it were me, I probably would jut go this year, but I would absolutely not go next year - I would make sure I saw my own family.

I can see how irksome it is though - the way his Mum is implying that this is the tradition and this is what you are going to do every year would frighten me slightly, because clearly that can't happen if you ever want to see your family at Xmas. I'd be feeling like I was being controlled.

Is your dh an only child? If there's only 4 of you I assume he has no siblings. Or do they do their own things and only dh is part of the 'forever tradition'?

Either way you need to make some compromises. Talk with dh about what are the most important elements of the tradition, for him and for his Mum. If it's Christmas Eve, then could you go over then, stay one night, and come home late afternoon on Christmas day. If it's boxing day brunch, then go over on Christmas late morning for presents and lunch, stay over one night and come home after brunch on boxing day.

As others have said mix it up. Add your own traditions in - e.g. we always go to the beach on Christmas day, so next year we're inviting you over for a barbecue and a long walk.

This tradition needs to be nipped in the bud early, his mum sounds like she’s going to have problems respecting your boundaries as a couple. It would be different if they lived miles away but even then I wouldn’t be doing it every year. It’s certainly not ‘how we do it’ in the UK when people live an hour away. If you give in, you’ll be setting the pattern forever and make it harder to get out of in future. As you don’t drink it’s not a problem driving over. If husband is more concerned for his mother’s happiness than yours, then maybe he should have stayed with his mummy instead. You’re prepared to visit & spend xmas with them, why isnt that good enough for him or his mum? He sounds like a wet blanket & spoilt mummy’s boy.

Just admit you don't like his mother and tell him now that you never have any intention of ever spending the night in their home as it is far too downmarket for you. Good luck.

I don’t like her comment, that would rub me up the wrong way. It’s like she’s laying the ground rules!

I’d prefer an ensuite, but I’d cope. It’s not like you’re having to all get ready to go out, you’ll probably just shower once a day and deal with your ablutions. BUT I’d prefer 1 night only. Just because I like my own space.

Yes!

it’s a nice thing for goodness sake!

It’s one year 🙈

No. Put your foot down.

Oh my just one bathroom how could you ever cope?

it’s clearly important to him - I would aim for compromise - this year yes but next year we can have our own Christmas

I can’t be the only one who found this whole thread triggering?

Why should she? The OPs not suggesting that they don't share Christmas at all just not staying at her in-laws that's all. Not staying and just visiting is quite common.

Thinking forward to next year you may as well get the conversation done now. Does your DH expect his parents to stay over with you for 2 nights?

OP can still be included without her actually staying there when they’re only an hour away.

Only 'one bathroom in the entire house'

Wow , this sounds like your main objection as it's mentioned twice.

It comes across as sounding really spoilt, when there will only be four in the house.

When your in-laws realise this, they will possibly drop future invitations, so Win Win for you both .

Your DH can just say you can never stop overnight as you've got a thing about shared bathrooms. Job done 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ask DH what Christmas traditions the two of you should share now you are married. I’d take a very dim view of his mother’s wishes being paramount. Some compromise is due.

To be fair she doesn’t sound that easy to get along with