Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

Time to establish a new tradition of visiting for one afternoon otherwise you’ll be stuck with this scenario every Christmas forever.

I guess if you get married you are sort of signing up to compromise over lots of things. Lots of houses in the UK only have one bathroom - I a see that if this is not what you’re used to you could feel uncomfortable . Your DH should also be willing to compromise and he and his family can’t expect their traditions to be set in stone and for you to unquestiongly slot in. Can you stay one night and develop your own Christmas traditions?
Edited to be less long winded!

It sounds as if you’re saying that OP should “make an effort for this once a year thing” every year. I would be very wary of that; I love Christmas too and love having my own Christmas. I do go to MiL’s to make her happy, but no way would I agree to stay at her house every year. I’m just as important as she is in the world and have just as much right to a Christmas I feel happy and comfortable with. @BitTooEarlyForXmas needs to make clear that she doesn’t want this to be her Christmas every year- personally I think going for one night this year (not two) is the way forward, but having Christmas at her own home next year is a non negotiable.

I wouldn’t like to share a bathroom too especially over Christmas. I enjoy a long soak in the bath and having a pamper to unwind for Christmas Day

a whole two days sounds difficult and not much time for downtime

I am the mother of a 25 year old and young teenager. I also absolutely love Christmas. We also have Christmas traditions, like most families. But, I don’t expect them to last. My children will make their own with their partners and children. This is partly because I’ve raised them to love Christmas so much😂. Say to your DH you want to plan your own celebration together, but include your mother-in-law in something as well - Boxing Day dinner perhaps? His folks one year, home alone together next? Somewhere sunny the year after that? I would also point out, gently, that his family’s traditions are not yours and you’d like to chat through how you’d ideally like to spend it, before making any decisions.

Your on/off relationship must have been on over some Christmases in the last 15 years? What did you both do then?

Good grief. Six of us adults ( plus any guests) share one bathroom at mine.

I think you’re being silly about the bathroom, but the comment about New Zealand versus England would be enough to put me right off.

You need to make it clear at the very least that things will change if you have DC.

I speak from experience of Christmas with a DC at the PILs which involved some difficulties’ over timing of meals and even where my DC were sitting.

The second year they sat my teen with his teen cousins at a table in a different room despite agreeing not to beforehand (after I wasn’t happy about it two years previously) was the last time we (and BIL & SIL) went there for Christmas. DH knew I was not impressed. SIL barely contained her anger.

what I saw in this is "his parents are lovely (to him)"
I mean maybe I had the world's most perfect marriage (widowed now) but one of the things we discussed and agreed on was this very point.

I would let him go on his own and just drop in for lunch or whatever. I hate not having my own space. It is 100% a me problem and I recognise that. But I know I would be so uncomfortable with sharing a small house with one bathroom that I'd be a bit awkward the whole time and we'd end up not liking each other as much as before!

Dh once made me go on a big family holiday with his family all in the same house and I am still not over it. As I say, it is a me problem, but being forced into situations you know you won't be comfortable with is not ok. All the "oh but it's family" comments be damned

DH and the DC and I stayed at PIL's for 2 nights 2 years ago for Christmas alongside SIL, her partner and his kids. In a 3 bed house. And we live less than a mile away but it was part of the Christmas fun.

YANBU to say you don't want to every year but are you going to offer to host them? YABU to say you never will.

What is the tradition though? Being together?

Could you go for a shorter stay arrive late Christmas Eve, leave early Boxing Day? Or stay in an hotel or Airbnb?

YANBU

His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

I don’t see the reason for having to stay two nights if they are only an hour away, bathroom or not.

I wouldn’t be doing this just to make his mum happy. She does not get to dictate that you spend Christmas in her home because it’s tradition. This would be a red flag for me since he just wants to please his mum when there is no reason to stay there other than she wants that for her Christmas because it’s HER tradition. She’s highly likely going to be an issue every Christmas then especially with the comments she has made about your family.

Disagree, this is batshit

Where you are going to spend Christmas is reasonable to think about even now. I don't know ages etc of your PILs which would be relevant for me.

Also, to anyone reading this, not too early to ask for any time off work you would like over the Christmas/New Year period. I will be blunt in any response in December to any threads where someone has not planned or asked about Christmas leave, or expressing my opinion of weak managers who don't sort this out until then.

I’d pick your battles and suck it up this year, it’s quite normal to spend time with family over Christmas and one bathroom is normal. Just make him aware when/if you have children you will not want to be doing this so your compromise is this year.

I don’t know why you’d need to stay over if you only live 1 hour away.
my compromise would be that I’m happy to go for the 2 days but not stay over

If you don’t yet have children, he goes for two nights, you go for a day visit. Christmas changes when your offspring have partners but if you’re not fussed, let them have one or two more the way they like to do it, because if/when you have DC it will be you calling the shots.

I lost a fair bit of sympathy when you whinged about only having one bathroom! Welcome to the majority of people's world in the UK.

If go this year, but make it clear that in future, Christmas will not always be the same.

I get how the parents feel. We're very traditional in my family, and have maintained everyone coming to me on the day and boxing day. But that's been due to good fortune and my sons in law's families enjoying seeing them for a couple of days afterwards. But I approach every Christmas ready to change things if anyone wants to, because I recognise my good fortune.

Personally I think it's way too much unless you have your own bathrooms, some privacy/space and time away from each other.

We can’t ask for Christmas leave until about October where we submit our requests and the annual leave is allocated fairly and considers past years annual leave.

The only time this is deviated from is when people many have a big birthday or other event around Christmas and want to arrange something in advance

Exactly this

It's not how we do it in England. What utter tosh. So she's started with a lie, which tells you most of what you need to know. She's invoking an entire country to back up her own personal preference, in case your preference is different, which it is.
Every single family whose offspring marry has to change how they do Christmas, because their offspring is now one of two. They are perhaps taking advantage because they know your parents are overseas, so you can't argue for sharing Christmas.
Honestly you need to put your foot down now and offer them one day visit. You have made a new household together by marrying, and you need to support each other in joining together as your own new main family unit.

I completely get the toilet thing too. In a family of 4 adults, sometimes 2 isn't enough, especially around showertime.

My English DH once said to Not-English me that “my mother does …”.

I very smartly reminded him that he had had ample opportunity to marry someone like his mother, decided not to and married me instead.

I strongly advise you to say the same. Some blokes need to be slapped in the face with a wet fish before they learn something,