Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas?

[BitTooEarlyForXmas]

I know it's a bit early but this sparked a huge argument last night so here I am.

DH and I met while we were at uni 15 years ago, we were on and off throughout the years as we moved around different continents for work and distance didn't really work for us.

He changed industries last year, I transitioned to a national role instead of a global role, and we finally decided to get married, buy a house, and move in together. His parents live an hour away from us, mine live in New Zealand so they're not really relevant to this problem we have.

Yesterday I learnt that he expects us to go stay at his parents house for 2 nights (as per their tradition) this Christmas!

They have 1 bathroom in their entire house.

His parents are lovely (to him) but his mum can be a bit much.

When she first brought it up in passing (I thought it was just a request then and didn't know that DH was serious about the arrangement), she even said 'I don't know what you guys do in New Zealand but this is how we do it in England'. It just rubs me the wrong way and has compounded since then. Doesn't help that her whole personality is that she's 'nice' and that she's 'just being a mother'.

AIBU to not want to stay over for 2 nights? I don't mind day visits but 2 nights esp when all 4 of us have to share a bathroom is really a bit more than I'd feel comfortable with.

Exactly - it is fine to not want to go and also to admit it isn't them, it's you. I do this and it tends to go over better that way.

ETA: if they argue with you even when you say it's a you problem and you just wouldn't be comfortable, that is not ok. Any "aw come on, just two nights, it's traditional in the UK" stuff after you've explained is just rude and pushy. Also, it isn't traditional in the UK. It is something you do if you have to (ie you live too far away to drive over and back again each day)

Depends if you’re expecting him to stay with your family for a significant period in NZ every few years?

We always went to my parents for Christmas, before having kids and when they were growing up. We lived 4 hours away so we'd go Xmas Eve and come back on the 28th. As they've got older that has evolved and people have moved around. We are now an hour away from my mother so we drive over for the day Xmas Day and Boxing day, and back home in the evening. Various adult children come as well but usually stay in hotels and we've cut down to just the 2 days.

DD comes on her own and her DP goes to his own mother, the DSs sometimes come, sometimes go to their ILs and sometimes stay at home. Last year we had a change and went to them (but stayed in a hotel).

Traditions change all the time and don't need to be set in stone. In your case OP I would go for both days BUT drive over rather than stay there. I would also ensure that your DH is aware that this isn't going to be how you will be spending Christmas next year.

Yes, you should put your foot down now. It's a long and difficult process, separating a man from his attachment to his parents, and especially his mother, but you need to start as you mean to go on. If you don't, she'll become more and more unreasonable, expecting to come and stay overnight with you, expecting him - and maybe even both of you! - to come round to help with difficult tasks, expecting to visit you in hospital when you have a baby, and wanting you to spend time with her on days like Mother's Day and her birthday - demanding from your man the time and attention that now belongs to you. The sooner you nip this in the bud, the sooner you can train her to be grateful for the yearly two-hour drop in from her son that you permit on Boxing Day.

It sounds like for most of the 15 years you've known each other and being on and off, that you've prioritized your own wants, rather than the relationship.

I'm not meaning that in a critical way, I'm just trying to be matter of fact here. Whereas many couples if long distance didn't work but they loved eachother, would change work so they could be together, you had this 15 years of on/off. Then whether it was coincidence that you both 'settled' near eachother or a conscious decision that now was the time to prioritise eachother, you moved in, got married etc.

The reason I think the history is relevant is because that, and this incident points to a struggle for you both to compromise in your relationship. I don't see the big deal with staying 2 nights tbh, we did similar pre children. It was really boring but a small compromise for family unity and my husband's happiness. But equally, if he realizes it makes you uncomfortable, he should also be prioritizing you.

If you don't as a couple then to pull in the same direction rather than in opposite ones then I think you're going to really struggle long term.

Similar could be said about expecting people to stay over for two nights when they live an hour away because you want Christmas your way.

Why should OP acquiesce to someone who isn’t nice to her, tells her how things are done in England and expects her to fall in line and do what they want because it’s their tradition when there is the option of OP staying in her own home and just coming back when they’re an hour away.

OP gets to stay in her home overnight and they get time with their son and they host one less person.

Or it could set a dangerous precedent of expectations

He can do whatever makes his mum happy but you don't need to. Spending Christmas Day with them and then driving home is a perfectly normal and reasonable thing to do.

His mum isn't a child whose needs should be put first. Surely she can understand that things will change now that you are married? It's not as though you are refusing to spend Christmas Day with them. Let him stay if he wants to while you drive home.

His mum sound clingy and annoying.

OP when you are pregnant, with babies, young children,
you will have your own family traditions, but honestly
why can’t you start them now?
An hour away, why can’t you go over on Boxing Day
when it is easy to entertain with all tht cold meat and trifle.

Start as you mean to go on, heed the warnings here,
avoid power plays, keep us posted!

I would do this and aim to do it every other year. Family is important, and presumably DH will come with you to visit your parents for many nights given the distance.

I think you are lucky to have been invited an thus included in your MILs plans. I have never been included (coming up on 40 years) which means our children were also excluded and despite being adults now they barely know their paternal grandparents. Now that PILs are in their 80s they have regrets but its too late to build the relationship between grandchildren and their grandparents.

I would do it this year but make it clear it's a one off and talk loudly about your plans for Christmas in NZ next year, as you've heard it's also a British tradition to take turns with family at Christmas.
Or if NZ isn't possible say you're looking forward to hosting Christmas yourselves next year, as part of the turn taking.

Could you book a hotel nearby so at least you will have your own bathroom and some time away from the family home?

Have you tried to look at it from your MIL's point of view, OP?

Thats my thoughts exactly. It could set expections. Of them going to the ILs every Christmas or in-laws coming to them.

I'd personally say No to Christmas Eve, at least so you have Christmas morning to yourselves.

Your DH should go, and you stay home. Simple.

And when you have children will you still
be expected to just do whatever to make her happy.

If you’re happy to be alone I’d offer up a compromise. He can stay for 2 nights and I’ll drive there on Christmas Day and then home again. Because I see zero reason to sleep over for a hour each way trip let alone for two nights.

"They have 1 bathroom in their entire house."

Faints with shock...
The horror...

Welcome to the UK love. It's totally normal here.

If you are shy about sharing the bathroom, you have enough time between now and then to develop some
digestive issues that mean you need a lot of privacy and time in the bathroom, so you need to come home to your own space each night, then go back in the morning

I’m not family-oriented in many ways but I would do the two nights this year.

I wouldn’t want to make it a tradition however so next year do things differently because as other posters have said there will be years when you might want to go away, see your own family or stay at home.

Personally I would avoid a relationship with someone who wants to keep traditions they had growing up which revolve around their family. If your partner isn’t flexible or is determined to please his family at the expense of anyone else then I would be querying whether this relationship is the one for me.

Agree, considering what OP has written about them.

I can’t believe the amount of people focusing on the bathroom issue and not that OP and partner only live an hour away.

Pretty sure many commute longer than that and would rather sleep in their own bed and have their own bathroom where all their things are and don’t have to pack vs stay with people who don’t seem that keen on them in their home and share a bathroom.

Agree with this.
When you marry someone you need to compromise occasionally on family stuff.

No, they are a couple, who should be together and present a united front.

We have to assume kids are on the cards. Is it going to be DiL you can stay home DS and DGC can come to us.

Same token to the husband though. He is now married to op so doesn’t just get to trump his family traditions over op. Especially when his reasoning is just let mum have her way 🤣

He can go for two nights.
They could go for one night.
Op could visit and dh sleeps over like always. All perfectly acceptable compromises.

Good question re DHs grandparents. I’d feel the same & would drive & go home the same day.