AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband's constant monologuing?

[earsringing]

Anyone else deal with this? Hubby monologuing. Constantly, all day, every day.

It's a stream-of-consciousness - literally everything he is thinking, re-enacting entire conversations he has had (pretending to do the voice of the other person too), things he must remember tomorrow, various ailments, stupid drivers, how hot/cold he is, huffing, puffing, groaning, humming, whistling. It is incessant, repetitive, there are no gaps, and I realise that I plan my life around trying to get breaks from it.

He is always trying to get me to react too "what do you think of this?" "do you like that?" and I HAVE to agree with whatever it is. A quick "yes" or "ok" from me and he's back to it. It's like he's checking that I am still paying close attention.

Thing, is, I feel completely lost here. Everything is about him, his plans, his headache, his sunburn, his job. There isn't a moment for me. If I do speak, I can get roughly half a sentence out before he tells me "I know that already" or "that reminds me of a time when I .......", or how he's done it better or knows better ... and bam we are back to him again.

I might be peri - I might be over-sensitive? But I am forgetting who "I" am. I feel like I just don't matter anymore, because he is so great and wonderful and interesting and has done everything just far more brilliantly than anyone else. He has lost all sight of me being a person with my own thoughts and opinions (which - shock - might be different from his sometimes!). Arggghhhh. What can I do? I feel like I am going mad.

My DH the same ADHD. He anticipates what I’m going to say only trouble is he’s wrong.

Ha. I have this. It's dreadful. But I have no patience, so I eventually interrupt and say 'I'm not listening to the lecture'.

He gets extremely upset.

I hadn't thought of it in terms of him living so much in his own head. I think he's very lonely, but it's just too much.

OP, how have you put up with this for so long???

I to unkind be tempted to record him in secret.

Then, I’d do the incessant talking back to him, talking over him when he interrupts and keep going.

When he complains (he will) tell him it’s what he does all day, every day. When he denies it, play him the recording.

He either stops, get help to stop or yow separate.

Of course, you may just be so sick of it, it’s time to leave.

You only get one life, OP….

I had a colleague like this at the lab I was studying at. It was unbearable, once he'd corner you and start, you could be there for an hour listening to him blather. He was immune to hints, and he'd follow you, still yabbering, when you said you had to go weigh aomething or whatever. Decent enough chap, but just monumentally self absorbed and lacking even the tiniest smidgin of self awareness.

He had a distinctive footstep, so when we heard him approach, the whole lab would scatter like cockroaches do when the light is switched on. Including the boss, he could vanish around the corner with surprising dexterity and speed.

We eventually moved from polite listening to active avoidance to blunt "Oh ffs Andrew, give your mouth a rest, would you" and he'd get huffy and stalk off and find some poor sod to monologue to death about what terrible people we were. He was such a pain. We threw a massive institute-wide party after he left...

I could NOT live with someone like that.

My mum is like this. I don’t know how my stepdad puts up with it. She drives him insane at times. She can be like this with me but I’m either very direct or I just nod and say yes and no, because I don’t have to live with her. I have 3 children and 2 are diagnosed ASD. I suspect I am also and I think you can guess where this is going…she’s slowly seeing it herself I think. It’s all anxiety based in her case but she just can’t have quiet. She has to fill it with words and verbalise everything she’s heard that day. Boring conversations with her reminiscing to him about things that happened before they were even together about people he doesn’t even know. There’s much more to it than this, but how you describe your husband, OP is exactly what my mum is like. She has zero self awareness or accountability either. I’m very direct so I think she doesn’t verbalise as much with me perhaps? I’d just change the topic or leave the room to make a cuppa, to change the flow of conversation. It’s very wearing!

I had a neighbour like this. I'd go out to put something in the bin and still be in the back yard an hour later! She once burnt her own dinner in the oven because she was too busy yacking on.

Goodness @SuchiRolls that's really helpful... so that's what it is.

Our younger child gets inanely chatty when anxious, for example when there's a playdate.

Earplugs.

Seriously, earplugs.

I used them in an office job to keep out the constant prattling and they worked a treat.

If he queries them, they're so you don't have to listen to him all the time. What can he say?

Watching the football with DH while reading this thread. He just gave me a minute by minute account of the one day he spent in Philadelphia (where the match was), describing in detail the sights he saw.
At the end I said 'Do you recall that I actually lived there for a year as a child?'
He had the grace to say, Ah yes, that's right, you would have seen the Liberty Bell etc.

There’s an app called Time to Talk which does exactly what you describe

I had a work colleague who was like this, whenever you went to make a cuppa you'd get stuck for at least 20+ minutes if he turned up at the kitchenette and use up your entire bit of break. I remember desperately trying to find an out whilst he would drone on about himself. I was always bemused as he would start a conversation like "how was your weekend" and you could just see him not really listening and just waiting for his turn to reel off his "hilarious" interactions and shenanighans over the weekend that you "had to be there for". So fucking glad for the lockdown, I can't imagine actually having this sort of person as a partner though. Fuck me.

He acts out conversations? Weird.

OP, you poor women.
How haven't you gone absolutely mad?
I think you need to work towards leaving, even if it takes time.
In the meantime you need to tell him the truth, to leave you alone.
Put your 🤚up and keep saying "leave me alone please".
He is talking at you, not too you.
Noise cancelling earphones too.
You need peace before he destroys your mental health.

It amazes me how many people grow up and never learn the art of conversation! A couple of my Dad's friends (people in their 60s and 70s) are like this. Its not just that they love the sound of their own voices, they actively talk over you if you make any attempt at dialogue. How can you get to that age without realising that coversation is a two way street!?
My MIL is exactly the same, as a result my husband dreads ringing/visiting her.
You have my utmost sympathy @earsringing. I couldn't live with someone like that.

We say 'dadsplaining' in our house too! DC are both teens, eldest got me some Bluetooth earbuds for Xmas, at the time I wasn't sure if use them but I now see how wise he is. I can pop them in and have some peace inside my head, and a perfect excuse not to be listening to the ramblings.
There's a cartoon over here called bluey and in one episode the dad character enters the room and says loudly "IT'S DAD!!!!" And the other ignore. This repeats through the episode. We now use that as an inside joke (the DC and I)....
Good luck op, can you work from the library or similar? I would be hanging up on the random calls also.

My elderly mother is like this and it's making it really intolerable for us to cope with especially now that she's in declining health.Family members aren't keen to share much with her any more because it'll be endlessly discussed for days on end and we don't need to participate in the conversation at all.
She simply never stops talking and our family rota for sitting with her is getting very difficult.
The OP seriously needs decompression time and I'd consider building in time consuming hobbies just to escape him.

Yes, like it! Better than putting up with this rubbish!

OP you need to get better at making excuses to leave the monologues - go to another room, bad phone signal, need to run an errand etc….

Brain damage.

Monoguing is a symptom of heavy drinking - the pub bore is medical fact.

Does he ramble worse when he’s had a few?

Vitamin B shots sort it out if he’s not too far gone.

Otherwise, sit him down and threaten to leave. Mean it.

Yep. But mine even checks Google if I correct his blather. He rarely says ah yes sorry I was wrong. 🙄. As Shirley Valentine put it "Aren't men full of crap"

Please make one! Or maybe take some of your clothes & stuff them, & make a head out of a cushion cover or similar: paint or embroider a face, use yarn for hair, etc. The naffer, the better. Maybe a T-shirt or a badge saying 'WIFE' would be a nice touch.

Then prop up the substitute 'you' on a chair in the room he's monologuing in, & walk out. If he asks what you're doing/what that is, just say he doesn't actually need you there & this will join in just as much as you always do. Then go off & enjoy yourself in peace.

I bloody love this.

Please do this OP, if only for your own brief entertainment. I know this is a serious problem for you and you're miserable but hopefully even the thought of doing this brought a little smile to your face.

I hope this will, too.

While I was reading the OP I was starting to wonder if I’d written it in my sleep.
My DP is almost identical. Our DC (20s) reckon he is Audhd, not diagnosed.
He can monologue for ages, favourite topics being Politics (especially taxing the rich), Donald Trump, Electric Cars, solar panels and house batteries, global warming.
He accidentally left me a voicemail (dialled me while driving) and it was a rant about effing selfish drivers, cars the size of an effing house, and then a weird commentary on a young man he’d seen being well built with a winning smile, until the message ran out of time.
Yesterday I had to do an online safeguarding course and not to disturb me. He couldn’t help himself and every 5 minutes or so, would say something that expected a response. I just ignored him and didn’t speak.
One day this week, DD was staying over ( she hadn’t quite left home yet) and she texted me “He won't leave me alone, I'm going to bf house”
When I told DP that she’d gone because he kept talking, he said ‘only a bit’ and “what else have I done wrong?” in a sulky voice

No advice OP, sorry, I'm hoping to learn something from the replies.

Nothing to do with the menopause, he sounds completely intolerable! And yes that is your life forever unless you leave

I’d buy him a pad and pen, sit him down and say I know you don’t really think you are the only person in this marriage who matters. This is for you to track the number of times a day you’ve genuinely inquired about something in my life or listened and engaged about something to do with me. Asking me if I agree with you while you monologue at me does not count. Also, stop calling me while driving unless it’s an emergency.
let’s see what you have in two weeks. And walk off. Especially if he just starts to talk at you. Walk off quickly.