AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband's constant monologuing?

[earsringing]

Anyone else deal with this? Hubby monologuing. Constantly, all day, every day.

It's a stream-of-consciousness - literally everything he is thinking, re-enacting entire conversations he has had (pretending to do the voice of the other person too), things he must remember tomorrow, various ailments, stupid drivers, how hot/cold he is, huffing, puffing, groaning, humming, whistling. It is incessant, repetitive, there are no gaps, and I realise that I plan my life around trying to get breaks from it.

He is always trying to get me to react too "what do you think of this?" "do you like that?" and I HAVE to agree with whatever it is. A quick "yes" or "ok" from me and he's back to it. It's like he's checking that I am still paying close attention.

Thing, is, I feel completely lost here. Everything is about him, his plans, his headache, his sunburn, his job. There isn't a moment for me. If I do speak, I can get roughly half a sentence out before he tells me "I know that already" or "that reminds me of a time when I .......", or how he's done it better or knows better ... and bam we are back to him again.

I might be peri - I might be over-sensitive? But I am forgetting who "I" am. I feel like I just don't matter anymore, because he is so great and wonderful and interesting and has done everything just far more brilliantly than anyone else. He has lost all sight of me being a person with my own thoughts and opinions (which - shock - might be different from his sometimes!). Arggghhhh. What can I do? I feel like I am going mad.

To avoid a lifetime of utter misery you need to be proactive with this. You say you can't leave because of finances and you don't know how to address this but you must do something. The problem is you are all but separated you have no power to ask him to change. Why would he do that for you if you have no relationship. So you are either left with actually figuring out a way to split properly or wondering if he stopped monologuing could a real relationship be back on the cards and so maybe marriage counselling. Sounds like he has ADHD to me and could do with some help. I have a 'friend' who is similar and she has the ability to keep it under control but otherwise she is an awful bore and I go out of my way to avoid her most times. I often wonder how her partner copes.

I have had to address these kinds of issues. I took the time to mentally prepare some phrases. I started using them regularly. He can’t engage in a deep meaningful conversation, so I scatter them through the day.

You know my opinions are just as important as yours, right?
Remember you aren’t the only opinion in the room.
Right, my turn to choose!
I wonder how my day went?

You have to say it very firmly, then let it go. It gradually seeps into the situation as something to be accounted for in my experience.

I upset him yesterday over something. He was interfering in a job I already had in hand. I told him the time to have a go at team work was 20 years ago when I was still trying. It’s too late now.

How stressed is he? People entrench in comforting habits when they are stressed. DH is now more relaxed, semi retired, and suddenly ready to do things with me. Ship, sailed.

These men also sound so bloody weird. What do their poor colleagues say?

I think often its because no one has the heart to read the riot act to them so they never learn.

I was pretty much the only person who told my dad his stories were boring and repetitive, my mum never did. I think people who are close to people like this have an obligation to tackle it while they’re young enough to change.

Has he always been like this? What attracted you to him in the first place? What has changed?

That's a very good line !

Has he always been like this?

If you left and rented somewhere, you could probably apply for UC and get some help with your rent. Would the kids want to come with you?

Buy some loop earplugs. It will help lower the noise but you can still hear. I bought them for another reason and they helped massively. I would also tell him to stop doing it !! That would set my teeth on edge

Speak to him first op.

Have you told him he's driving you mad? What was his response?

I'd be so tempted to do a supercut of all the times Granddad Simpson starts rambling and just play it loudly when he starts up. Or else get some of those giant headphones that seem to be back in fashion and ostentatiously put them on, whether they're actually playing anything or not.

This would drive me insane, and I know I wouldn't be able to just let it wash all over me.

Can you call him out next time he speaks over you? Hold your hand up to him and clearly say 'stop, I haven't finished talking, I am tired of you speaking over me, and not engaging with what I am saying.' And keep saying it - and if he won't stop, walk away.

Same with the monologuing - stand up and tell him that you need some peace and quiet, ask him to tell you later at a specific time, say after dinner.

And if these don't work leave him. It may be challenging financially but it will be manageable - you might need to claim benefits, but they are available.

I could not live like this - just reading about him makes me feel itchy!

My husband is a bit like this. Talks constantly about whatever pops into his head but also in mid conversation, as well as out of the blue, he will talk about something that has nothing to do with anything.
His mind is jumping and making connections to something in a conversation or something he was thinking about and he starts taking about it.

Also he goes on about his work in so much detail I could probably pass technical exams in his field I know so much about it

He is definitely adhd so I know now how his mind is working.
I tell him stop talking now, or when he goes off on a tangent, that’s got nothing to do with anything and get to the point.

Funny how these men don’t want to listen to anyone else, ie their wives. That has caused some problems in our relationship as I felt he is not interested in anything I have to say but I tell him how I feel and he has made effort to listen more and not talk so much or interrupt.
However I can’t change his brain so it’s an ongoing thing. Even the (adult) dc tell him I’m talking when he tries to interrupt and he stops. When he tries to interrupt I keep talking a little bit louder and he does realise what he’s doing.

If you don’t address it and tell him to stop talking then biting will change. Waiting for him to magically change habits of a lifetime won’t happen. Maybe he won’t even care but you will feel better and at least you’ll know if he wants to even try to listen to you.

Stock phrases are your friend here

I don't need to hear this thank you.

Yes, I'm already aware

You've told me this before

Do you agree? - no idea, I'm not listening

Not too many, just a few on repeat.

Then if you really have to answer the phone to him when he says 'I'm on my way' simply 'thank you for letting me know' and hang up.

You can manage this without being overly rude or confrontational. Or develop an interest in country music, heavy rock, opera, musicals, whatever, and have it on, constantly. Best of luck.

My mum does this but she's very old 🙂. I second all suggestions that create your own space. Take up running or v long walks. Find a place to work remotely so you aren't at home. Create a routine with husband free spaces. I would also sit him down and tell him clearly what he is doing and the impact it's having. You are then giving him the opportunity to change. If he doesn't then plan your exit. Life's too short to be beaten down by a self centred bore.

Introduce him to AI he can chat away with it

Could you get AI to transcribe a conversation to show him a) it’s a monologue and b) it’s dull as fuck?

You poor thing, this sounds horrendous.

a few things to note: he sounds like he's neurodiverse to be so pathalogically unaware of his social awkwardness. You need to have an honest conversation with him about how it makes you feel and how you expect him to make efforts to stop it

you do sound like you might be peri menopausal as if you have put up with this for years but now all of a sudden it's wildly irritating, it could be that your hormones are playing a part: have you considered HRT? It might make this, and other things, not feel so bad

you both need to get some hobbies, and friends, and get out of the house more. Fair enough you can't control what he does so work on what you can do. Both of you wfh and being in each other's space all the time is not healthy for the easiest of relationships, I firmly believe there is a thing as spending too much time together

if nothing Works, you need to honestly consider breaking up, your children are old enough to cope and they probably even think you should too. You can't live your life this way, it will make you sick with stress

sending hugs x

Bless you op I do understand this. My dp would do this if he could get away with it. I notice it wasn’t a think at all in his 30’s and creating late 40’s with the worst of it early 50’s. It is much much better now.
i made it clear to him couple of years ago I wasn’t going to be talked at about current affairs specifically politics. I can be sent an article out of the paper no more than once a month. I won’t agree to read it.
i stopped interacting with the media altogether as far as he is concerned. Actually I listen to radio 4 on a drive I do once a week and I might talk to him about what I heard if I find it interesting.
if he starts a chat with ‘Nigel f said!!’ My reaction will always be ‘nope didn’t hear it I’m not doing g the news it’s affecting my mental health’ and shut it down. Over time he stopped trying.

what used to happen was him going on and on trying to find something I disagree with so he can argue with me. I stopped reacting so he stopped trying though it took a while to embed.

I also enforced quiet time. So I will cook a big family meal on Sundays but he’s not allowed in the kitchen and I will watch tv while I’m doing it. He can offer to help but the reply will always be ‘yes please letting me have a bit of quiet time will really help me a lot’

i dont know if this will work for you op. Dp took massive offence initially and we had some rows but it has got much much better over time.

even the other day I shut him down because he tried to change a conversation around to politics and I got up and left the room.

dd1 describes it as her dad ‘seeing every conversation as a chance to show off’anx it was exactly that.

the kids getting older and refusing to be lectured has helped a lot too and I know this has improved their relationships a lot. Both girls will accept one to one dad time now and he and them seem to really enjoy it because he isn’t grandstanding all the time.

fwiw my dp is 100% nd. He may not think it but I know!

Replace yes or OK with fuck off you're boring me; This is just another monologue or oh my god I don't fucking care. You are just enabling him stop that now

I will never understand people who dont understand that these habits develop over years, that probably the man does this at work so its not always obvious until they retire and that ND traits worsen as people age

10/10
for
Its the womans fault though

Maybe you have to break his flow to make him pay attention. What if you didn’t say yes, okay, etc… what if you said sorry, completely lost track, couldn’t care less, so bored, I have to go now etc. Or completely random like yellow, Tuesday, spaghetti ? Would it make him have a conversation about this?

God yes the calendar. He does put everything in his phone but still asks me what appointments he's got coming up. Not a hope in hell he'll remember mine.

I wear earbuds so my phone doesn't disturb him. His phone does disturb me especially when I'm watching TV which I do rarely. He'll have the TV on and be on his phone.

Has he always done this? Is it a newer thing that has developed?
How old is he?
Only ask because my Mum has started doing this (in her late 70s now) but started a couple of years ago and getting worse. We wonder if it’s the start of some cognitive issues. But she’s fairly together on day to day living, it’s just conversations have become incredibly hard work and one sided.