AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband's constant monologuing?

[earsringing]

Anyone else deal with this? Hubby monologuing. Constantly, all day, every day.

It's a stream-of-consciousness - literally everything he is thinking, re-enacting entire conversations he has had (pretending to do the voice of the other person too), things he must remember tomorrow, various ailments, stupid drivers, how hot/cold he is, huffing, puffing, groaning, humming, whistling. It is incessant, repetitive, there are no gaps, and I realise that I plan my life around trying to get breaks from it.

He is always trying to get me to react too "what do you think of this?" "do you like that?" and I HAVE to agree with whatever it is. A quick "yes" or "ok" from me and he's back to it. It's like he's checking that I am still paying close attention.

Thing, is, I feel completely lost here. Everything is about him, his plans, his headache, his sunburn, his job. There isn't a moment for me. If I do speak, I can get roughly half a sentence out before he tells me "I know that already" or "that reminds me of a time when I .......", or how he's done it better or knows better ... and bam we are back to him again.

I might be peri - I might be over-sensitive? But I am forgetting who "I" am. I feel like I just don't matter anymore, because he is so great and wonderful and interesting and has done everything just far more brilliantly than anyone else. He has lost all sight of me being a person with my own thoughts and opinions (which - shock - might be different from his sometimes!). Arggghhhh. What can I do? I feel like I am going mad.

My ex husband was like this, if a nice man otherwise. I found giving it until I had had enough then just walking away or starting to do something else and ignoring him stopped it. He only got annoyed once saying “are you EVEN LISTENING to me?” I said, “no, shut the fuck up for once?” Maybe dented his confidence but I was going insane.

Spray bottle? Squirt him when he starts. Then apologise and say it's a hot flush and you mis-aimed

Then if he starts talking about the time he was really hot you can spray him again. In the mouth. Ask if that might've helped.

My dad was like this but more charismatic so he got away with it for longer because he had some entertaining yarns and had had a very interesting career so for people who didn’t know him he sounded interesting but it was the same stories and opinions in a loop and no one got a word in edgeways ever. Fundamentally it was the same thing: an inability to conceive of others as being independent from him to listen and hear them. It was all about himself, endlessly. My mum tolerated it to her death but I just shut him off. I ignored him 75% of the time.

Its a horribly overused armchair diagnosis on here but in this case I do think this is neurodiversity (probably autism). Its a total inability to recognise that other people have emotional and social needs and perspectives that are different from yours and to act on this.

I’m sorry but I think for someone for whom it’s this entrenched and at this age its a lost cause. I doubt he has the cognitive or emotional skillset to see another person’s point of view, and certainly doesn’t want to. He would probably find it traumatic to be challenged on this and would just get frustrated and angry.

Honestly I would cut your losses and leave. It sounds soul destroying.

That is the gift of peri, OP.

It leaves you entirely stripped. Not only of essential hormones, moisture and the ability to remember why you walked in the room, but also tolerance, sympathy and fucks-left-to-give. It also kick-starts the ‘hang on, but what about me?’ bit of the brain, which for most of us has been dormant for decades whilst we live our lives in the service of others.

Your bullshit threshold will no longer allow you to placate a self-absorbed windbag-with-a-ballbag, and your sudden sense of anger and injustice may well push you to do something about it - whether that’s drawing up new terms of engagement for your relationship, or plans for a completely new life of blissful silence, broken only by two-way conversation with people who are actually interested in how you feel and what you think.

The whistling alone would be enough for me. You must be a saint OP

Oof. How old are your teens?

I have a friend who began having “girl time” super cheap holidays with her DD and they were respite until the kids flew the nest and she could finally make the £ stack up.

Have you observed him doing this to the kids? Have they ever said anything about him droning on about stuff?

Tell him in no uncertain terms to shut the fuck up because he is boring you to insanity.
Just do it.

Sorry if I have missed it but has he always done this? The commentary during driving sounds intolerable and the rest would drive me insane to, its like he's got main character syndrome!

Yep my DH has a tendency to do that but thankfully my adult DC take the absolute piss out of him and call it ‘dadsplaining’ and say “dad, look around the room, nobody is listening to you right now…” Thankfully he takes it in good spirit and says ‘oh I know I’m boring you all…’

You have just got to be harsh and tell him he’s boring and dominating. I don’t know why you wouldn't just tell him. If you find it irritating to that extent, he needs to be told. I would happily do that to the middled aged men I meet at social gatherings who think they’re God’s gift to the world with their boring one-man-show lectures - I always disrupt them or talk over them. Fuck ‘em. Arrogant sods. Find your anger op.

My DH is exactly like this. I have a fantasy world in my head where I block off his voice. He talks endlessly. When we get in the car I time how long he talks for and how long I’m silent for.

But sometimes I just say ‘Yes I will go out for a coffee with you, on the condition you don’t talk about the stock market, your work, or golf’.

Sometimes I’m more blunt and say ‘Do you think I give a flying fucking fuck about Simon from your work who didn’t include a slide in a power point presentation?’

With the phone conversations if he’s going on about SHITE, I say ‘Hello?…Hel…I’m struggling to hear…I can’t…What…But…can’t…you…

Then put the fucking phone down.

You need to make it easier for yourself. Try and block it out. I go out when I know he’s free, I make the most of the peace when I know he has a long work call.

This really resonates with me. It’s exhausting and so depressing.

mine just wants someone to talk at, fuck and who will earn money that he can spend. I am leaving.

Good god.

OP, could you write him a letter to explain how it makes you feel? It's clear as hell that if you try to have a verbal conversation with him about this, it's going to be incredibly painful to even try to get a sentence out.

I suppose it depends on what your goal is, regarding your options of what you can do... is it realistic to think he is capable of change?

How does having to tolerate this for the next 30, 40 years (or however long) make you feel?

I wouldn't dismiss the idea of leaving. Perhaps at least consider an appointment with a solicitor. You may have better financial options than you realise. Plans can be made, and you can figure out how to leave, even if you don't see a way out just yet. It just depends on whether you think this is a future you're going to be happy enough in, if you do stay.

It would drive me bonkers and you'd be reading about my crime in the Daily Mail if I had to tolerate this.

This is my elderly FIL to a tee, along with OP's description of her DH.

Every "conversation" has to be centred on him or a subject of his choosing. Angry outbursts occur if it is not. I've known him over 20 years and he would struggle to list 5 facts about me. He is just not interested. I doubt he knows my given name (I use a shortened version).

We actually think he has narcissistic personality disorder. He has very low self esteem, which we believe to be a root cause.

Outsiders think his stories are hilarious but his personality has cast a shadow on DH's life as he's had to live with it and it has caused him mental and emotional damage.

MIL when younger spent a lot of time outside the home helping friends in need (so FIL couldn't complain) and now retreats to the spare room with either a migraine or a book.

They love each other but to me it's very disfunctional (my parents were completely different - very equal in all things, thankfully).

My advice would be to develop a lot of coping mechanisms and temporary escape routes as I think the situation is unlikely to improve with age.

Wfh won't help this. Can he work out the house sometime?

running the gym crafts dance etc.

Is that a club that's held at the gym where you make puppets and make them dance? I'm not sure the OP would want to run the whole thing? Sounds like a logistical nightmare and quite niche.

My partner is a bit like this. He has adhd and since his diagnosis has worked really hard on it and its loads better but he can still get caught in a bit of a loop with it. I can just tell him now though.

Yup, one of my best friends is exactly like this and has just been confirmed with ADHD at 50. He's improving too.

He just couldn't leave space for me to have a single thought to myself.

Why don’t you just tell him how insufferable he is? Have you tried that? Seems the obvious course of action.

Bit of aversion therapy. He won't do it again 👍

Add in a hot flush, monkeys learn slower.

@earsringing You say you work from home and he does too. Is it possible that this hasn't always been the case and so you get him 24/7 whereas previously it wasn't this intense and so less obtrusive?

Is it also possible that he is now under socialised and fills in the gap with conversations with himself?

My husband gives me a running commentary in the car on the idiots on the road and I just phase him out and every now and then he asks me a question and I don't realise so I ignore him. There is no contradicting him so I get what you mean. I have to say that he gets so wound up over it that despite getting in the car in a light-hearted mood, I can feel the stress rising as we near our destination because of his rantings. Listening to that 24/7 would test the patience of a saint.

There is actually, now you mention it I recall someone telling me about something like that, but I can't recall its name. It was to track whether women or men spoke more on work meetings, but can't see why that wouldn't work in this situation too.

Might be worth trying to find it!

"I'm sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours"

Just keep repeating when interrupted. "Have you finished now? ". C"Can I finish my sentence?"

Was reading recently that ADHD people do this because they anticipate what you're going to say in their head and decide you don't need to finish.

Mine will even start arguing with me about something he's decided I was going to say.

I just repeat "have you finished? He'll continue so I say again"Have you finished now?". Tends to shut him up.

ive talked to a person thats like that sometimes they love to chat, its nice in a way

Has he always been like this? You're not wrong - it sounds tedious and self centred.