AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband's constant monologuing?

[earsringing]

Anyone else deal with this? Hubby monologuing. Constantly, all day, every day.

It's a stream-of-consciousness - literally everything he is thinking, re-enacting entire conversations he has had (pretending to do the voice of the other person too), things he must remember tomorrow, various ailments, stupid drivers, how hot/cold he is, huffing, puffing, groaning, humming, whistling. It is incessant, repetitive, there are no gaps, and I realise that I plan my life around trying to get breaks from it.

He is always trying to get me to react too "what do you think of this?" "do you like that?" and I HAVE to agree with whatever it is. A quick "yes" or "ok" from me and he's back to it. It's like he's checking that I am still paying close attention.

Thing, is, I feel completely lost here. Everything is about him, his plans, his headache, his sunburn, his job. There isn't a moment for me. If I do speak, I can get roughly half a sentence out before he tells me "I know that already" or "that reminds me of a time when I .......", or how he's done it better or knows better ... and bam we are back to him again.

I might be peri - I might be over-sensitive? But I am forgetting who "I" am. I feel like I just don't matter anymore, because he is so great and wonderful and interesting and has done everything just far more brilliantly than anyone else. He has lost all sight of me being a person with my own thoughts and opinions (which - shock - might be different from his sometimes!). Arggghhhh. What can I do? I feel like I am going mad.

I would just tell him "dilligaf" everytime he starts going into a monologue and if or when he asks what it means tell him it means "do i look like i give a fuck"....say it each and every time and hopefully he will shut up for a bit

This sounds like my sisters husband. Even tonight she managed to get away for 1 night- I haven’t seen her for ages she is always busy. But after she left this afternoon his car broke down and she said he must have sent 20 texts while she was driving to see me - about 2 hour drive- and after she arrived he phoned and was talking for nearly half an hour. Just wittering on and on about logistics of the car, It as a pure monologue with him describing every detail of the breakdown - which was not dramatic as he could walk home - and wanting to talk logistics about the week ahead. It was just so boring . In the end I started calling her for dinner as he wouldn’t stop. Then he got cut off but rang back to finish the story. She said she would phone him back later 🙈🙈🙈

I haven’t RTFT so if this has been suggested, I’m sorry. Have you considered recording his monologues to play back for him? It would make it more difficult for him to deny his self-centred behaviour.

OH I often don't answer the phone if I'm out. I say if he asks that I left it in the car. Or I was driving.

🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣

Yup. Agreed.

My husband has been known for wittering on in great detail - usually to better an idea or thought I might have.

I tell him to STFU and he listens. He has ADHD - the mornings for an hour after his meds are wild. BUT he is self aware and reads the room (albeit sometimes only after I point it out).

He is brilliant in lots of other ways. So for us it works.

Menopause has been a test on our relationship as I cant keep quiet if he pisses me off. Just coming out the other side and we are still hanging in together, so there may be hope, if thats what you want, OP?

ETFA

My DH is like this - not so much the wittering on but thinking out loud about things. I'll frequently get updates on email negotiations and rehashing of conversations he's had with other people. He'll sometimes give an uninvited lecture on events of the world as he sees them. He'll frequently not see I'm leaving the room for some reason, start a comment/rehash, and I'm supposed to stop and listen. It's exhausting.

My DD's and I believe he's undiagnosed on the spectrum.

I tune out a lot.

He'll frequently not see I'm leaving the room for some reason, @VelmaKelly
oh yes, I can be half way up the stairs on the way to the loo, and he’s still talking.
Or, he’ll come in from the garden and assume that I am where he last saw me, and start talking.

OMG you're describing mine. The refrain of my day is "where are you VelmaKelly"

Along with "remind me what you're doing today" even after I have explained where I will be and have put it in the shared calendar.

Can you think about your finances and make a plan so you can leave him? It sounds like that’s what you want to do. Yes it’s tough financially being single but the alternative is you spend the rest of your life like this, which is a long time given you’re only half way through it.

My husband can be a bit like this. I wear headphones and listen to audiobooks to block him out. Then he gets cross because he talking to me and I can’t hear.
Hes amazing in other ways and we’ve been together for ever so I don’t let it bother me too much.

My Mum on the other hand can monologue for England and it really is boring as fuck. She’s like Uncle Colm in Derry Girls.

Has he always been like this or is it new? How old is he? It sounds like it could be the start of something.

I think that there are quite a lot of adults, men in particular (but I know women who are like this too) who were never told when they were children by their parents that they shouldn't be boring! That it was fine to talk but only if they had something interesting to say.

A girlfriend of mine is in the midst of a very nasty divorce and while I can see that her STBXH has a lot of faults, she is a terrible witterer and her husband probably clocked out years ago.

I'm very glad I was told as a child not to bore others and I do find myself telling my DH, who definitely wasn't told that, not to repeat dull stories involving eg admin hiccups, friends' elderly parents' incontinence issues or road rage events. He mostly remembers because I'm very fierce about it and he loves me a lot and wants me to enjoy his company but it's not easy correcting bad habits that have been deeply instilled.

That would drive me nuts. I have to tell DH to STFU when he does it occasionally when packing a suitcase or something, as I can't hear my own thoughts.

Wow I'm amazed at how many of you are married to people that do this?
It isn't normal and you are saints to put up with it. I couldn't, peace and quiet and good conversation is too important to me.
In OPs situation I think Id start with a caring approach which would be to raise with the DH that his behaviour isnt normal and highly isolating for me and to work together to resolve it (Adhd diagnosis?) If he wasnt open to that I think I'd be divorcing, it sounds horrible.

You're trying to avoid an argument by not being blunt, ans you know he'll turn it around and act wounded if you bring it up.

My mum does this and it's maddening, they don't realise how much they're distripting another person's leace by them needing to he in listening mode constantly. I now say to her " I didn't buy tickets to this lecture or one woman show thanks" and shut it down

😂Ulysses!

I will never, ever understand the phenomenon of women who meet men with obvious intolerable habits and then proceed to marry them, have children with them, say nothing to them about the intolerable habits and then only after years or decades have passed realise it's intolerable. I'm not saying that a monologuing man isn't intolerable but take some responsibility.

He's continued to monologue all these years because you've never told him directly that it's completely intolerable. He thinks you're OK with it because all you do is silently seethe or drop subtle hints. You need to actually tell him how awful you find it. Frankly you're both crap at communication - he does too much of it and you do too little.

How long has he been like this?

Has he always been like this, or is this a new development?

If it's recent I would suspect early onset dementia. Does he have any other unusual symptoms?

www.nhs.uk/conditions/dementia/about-dementia/what-is-dementia/

My other half can be like this but thankfully not all that often! For some reason it's mainly when he's in the shower or when getting up off a chair 😵‍💫 I can hear this rambling away, his usual phrase is "ohhhhh I need a new job!" (He actually likes his job) Then the rambling begins! He was so loud yesterday that the dog shot off the bed and went downstairs! It happens more when he is stressed though. He doesn't even realise he's doing it.

Speaking from my own experience - DP was not like this when we met. Our conversations were very different. This monologuing has crept up over the years, so for me to suddenly say STFU would be very confrontational.
How does OP feel about this?

Buy big can headphones and wear them. He’ll have to tap you to get your attention- might act as a circuit break for his droning.

I would honestly tell him though- look, you’re boring me.

Well to start with, stop tolerating this.

Tell him to shut up, it is enough

be “rude” be “selfish” tell him he is wittering in and can he get to the point

being a good partner does not mean meekly accepting all this selfishness and idiocy, it means advocating for yourself and pushing back

shot “enough!” And tell him he has bit stopped talking yet never listens to you

throw plates. scream at him but stop playing your meek little part in these conversations

Mine has long dialogues with someone in the shower. I have started asking him about his imaginary friends.. tbh I'm happy he rants to himself because atleast he doesn't expect any input. Getting so used to it that I'm able to tune out completely. I thought he was unique but I'm relieved he's not the only one. He's 53 and has def gotten worse. What's wrong with them?

He probably thinks he is entertaining and informing you. It might be just thoughtless and misplaced, and it's a habit he has formed. But habits can be broken too! You could,as suggested, try just speaking to him, and letting him know it's getting to you - all the things you said in your post. If it doesn't work, you will have to absent yourself. I learned to say 'I have to go now' and walk away. Find solitary things to do, running as suggested, walking, having a long bath, join the gym or go to some sort of class he isn't interested in. Apart from anything else, it might pique his interest enough for him to ask you about yourself and what you're doing. Does he do this with your children as well? Or just you? Good luck - it's a tough one.