AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my husband's constant monologuing?

[earsringing]

Anyone else deal with this? Hubby monologuing. Constantly, all day, every day.

It's a stream-of-consciousness - literally everything he is thinking, re-enacting entire conversations he has had (pretending to do the voice of the other person too), things he must remember tomorrow, various ailments, stupid drivers, how hot/cold he is, huffing, puffing, groaning, humming, whistling. It is incessant, repetitive, there are no gaps, and I realise that I plan my life around trying to get breaks from it.

He is always trying to get me to react too "what do you think of this?" "do you like that?" and I HAVE to agree with whatever it is. A quick "yes" or "ok" from me and he's back to it. It's like he's checking that I am still paying close attention.

Thing, is, I feel completely lost here. Everything is about him, his plans, his headache, his sunburn, his job. There isn't a moment for me. If I do speak, I can get roughly half a sentence out before he tells me "I know that already" or "that reminds me of a time when I .......", or how he's done it better or knows better ... and bam we are back to him again.

I might be peri - I might be over-sensitive? But I am forgetting who "I" am. I feel like I just don't matter anymore, because he is so great and wonderful and interesting and has done everything just far more brilliantly than anyone else. He has lost all sight of me being a person with my own thoughts and opinions (which - shock - might be different from his sometimes!). Arggghhhh. What can I do? I feel like I am going mad.

Well you can leave, I couldn’t live with a man like that. He’s sounds intolerable.

I fantasise about leaving. The £numbers don't add up - we have no assets, and not nearly enough income to rent somewhere alone. Freedom from this situation feels like a luxury I cannot afford.

Be straight with him - tell him that his actions (monologuing) and attitude (me, me, me) make you seriously want to leave him. I don't think pussyfooting around the issue would work here. He sounds insufferable.

Do you love him? Do you have children?

We are essentially married housemates with 2 teens. If I am honest with myself I am deeply unhappy and unfulfilled in this relationship, because I simply do not matter. I feel like he could just have a cardboard cut-out of me that says "yes" or "ok" every 20 minutes and that would do him just fine.

Do you work? Does he?

if you can get breaks from it then maybe it won’t feel so bad.

maybe take up long distance running?

Both WFH. Running is a top idea!

Is this a new thing? Hasn't it bothered you before?

Not new. Maybe peri is making me far less tolerant? Midlife making me think "what if this is forever?" Dunno.....

can you leave the room? Go find washing that needs folding or a dishwasher that needs emptying or you must go and weed the garden?
j would allow 5 mins and then interrupt and excuse yourself

It would drive me mad too
Like living with an overgrown chatty toddler

My man-friend is exactly like this - but we live 100 miles apart 😂
I do tell him that it’s quite normal for me to want to read after a long day (and that I am in a relationship - with my ipad)

A friend has similar - she just says “it’s my quiet time now”

and my DB accompanies an older relative on holidays - DB just leaves the room mid monologue, he goes into the garden or other rooms for long periods - and when he returns the monologue just continues on (with his absence going un-noticed)..

I don’t have answers alas, but spend a lot of time simultaneously in my own headspace.

My FIL used to do this and it’s utterly unbearable. I don’t blame you at all for it driving you mad. Do you really think you can do another 30 odd years of this? Is there anyway you can save up to leave? Or maybe occasionally WFH at a coffee shop or something?

God.

has he always been like this?

it sounds insufferable.

i’d tell him to stop. Tell him how it makes you feel - like everything is about him, that you don’t matter. Tell him you’re totally fed up of it and it’s making you dislike him.

Then get him to start talking to you, asking you questions. You could try one of those couples talking card games, see how you get on. If you have the patience…

Sounds a lot like my father (Whom I strongly suspect is ND).
My DM puts up with a lot.
I remember years ago he worked away a lot but would always call her a few times a day, but I don’t recall her ever getting to say much about her day, was just a lot of “yes, mhmmm, uh huh” as she listened to him talk for an hour or so 😅.
But they’ve been married over 40 years so I suppose she’s just used to it.

Dear lord seriously? That would drive me bonkers.

Until you feel able to leave buy some headphones so you don’t have to listen to him.

He probably simply doesn’t realise.

Please, please sit him down and let him know how you are feeling. If he’s a decent man, possibly autistic, with no social skills, he can change.

Well, he’s not going to change by himself, is he? So it might be forever…

Have you tried talking to him about it? Shouting? Screaming?

We just had a male who sounds exactly like your husband visit us. Two hours and we were feigning death we were so bloody bored of the self absorbed tedium that was constantly emanating from him at a steady drone. Not so much as a 'how are you' or 'how are the kids'. If I were looking down the barrel of retiring to that, I don't know who I'd take a leg of lamb and a patio to, me or him.

Ah yes @Mounjaronewbie25 he does the phoning thing too! Just to tell me he's "on the road" and there follows a running commentary of something that's happening on a roundabout somewhere and an Audi turning right too fast and "can you hear me now?" ... etc...etc ...etc.

Sounds like she wouldn’t get a word in edgeways to tell him @thetinsoldier!

Er.. have you talked to him about this habit, asserted your right to be listened to, or do you just go along with it silently?

Have you told him to shut up?

Surely you can't be thinking of leaving him without first having had a lot of conversations with him about this?

"Having conversations" is the issue here Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice.

He cannot see my point of view about anything - he is so deeply entrenched in his own head.

It sounds like you need to be brutally honest. He is so self absorbed he probably believes you are content with your life and all problems are of your own making.