My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

Anyone on here who claims they’d be completely fine with their partner going on holiday for a week with an ex is either a complete doormat or lying. And if a woman posted on here that her ex was doing this she’s be told to LTB immediately.

On and on about how for the last decade this has been a happy cohesive family with everyone viewing one another as family.

But your step son seems to have a very very different impression of the last decade

Agree.

It is worth noting that the other thread this Op had on this subject was DELETED by HQ for breaking talk guidelines

Yep, this.
It sounds like you are bending over backwards to support her actions but actually she should have put her foot down and said, "no I can't do this - ex is not someone I go on holiday with, he is no longer family. You, DS and bio siblings go and have a lovely yacht trip with your bio dad and when you get home we'll celebrate DS's 18th birthday with bio mum, step dad, step siblings and bio siblings."

Bio mum and bio dad are not the blended family here. They should retain appropriate boundaries even if their DC are reluctant to accept this.

I 💯 blame the bio parents first then the birthday baby boy second .
I would question everything.

Do you have to stay with your spouse forever, regardless of how unhappy you both might be.

Yes I feel this too. DSS wanted a break where he could relax and just be...no appeasement between people. The way OPs daughter reacted with a kind of outraged entitlement suggests ...he was probably right to centre his OWN wishes for his special birthday.

All of us parents, I would hope, understand that our children enjoy, just sometimes, having us to themselves..less arguments, less struggles to mediate groups. This is just a version of this and not a rejection at all

Don't be ridiculous. This is 100% the wife's fault. She should have shut this down the minute it was suggested to her. She'll probably do this for all her children's milestones now. That's not a blended family, it's 2 separate families.

OP if I was in your situation, I'd consider the marriage done. Your wife let you down big time.

Why are you asking me? It has nothing to do with my post, unless you're trying to create a false dichotomy where the options are to stay in an unhappy marriage forever or force your child/ren to live with a bunch of unrelated people.

The DF could've taken his three DC away on a yacht to celebrate - it was completely inappropriate to invite his ex-wife or sow the seed of expectation that she would come - and she was wrong to accept. She should've said 'No' and explained why and stuck to it.

Of course the stepson will want both his parents there, but it's not for him to dictate this, even if it is his birthday celebration. I'm a stepchild myself and all I ever wanted for my parents to be together again. I didn't (still don't!) want to be part of a blended family, but kids don't get a say in these things, so I'm not blaming the stepson for having the feelings he does, but the ex-husband is a dick and this was a dick move on his part.

A agree.

It seems unlikely that the 18yo has been utterly miserable and pining for his biological parents to be together but has managed to keep it hidden from everyone around him for the last 11 years. I’d be giving him the option to go and live with his biological dad if he is so unhappy.

...the way DD reacted suggests all is NOT well

Your wife should never have gone and should have explained to her ds that after being divorced for over a decade (and remarried) it’s unrealistic to expect her to go. Your dss is old enough to understand that. Such a trip between divorced people isn’t usual.

I expect she was swayed by a nice holiday and wanted to go. I’d be pissed off with her.

I don't quite understand this. Are you suggesting people who are divorced/split should never re-marry or live together?

If this were the other way around and a husband wanted to spend a week on a yaught with his ex wife, this thread would be non-stop cries of LTB.

I don’t buy into the idea that ‘kids always, always come first’. If you’re married and committed to someone, sometimes they come first too. Instead it sounds as though your wife has put her son’s wishes first and you’re just expected to suck it up. There should have been a compromise - mum stayed for one or two nights or something like that. Instead, ex husband (who suggested the whole thing) got his own way and a horrible rift has opened up.

I think you’re totally justified to feel this way and it’s going to take some work to restore trust when they return.

You have to now set a precedent, your kids can and will now have naff all to with her and hers. The best way to protect your children,money and peace is to tell them that your priorities have changed. You need to get rid your wife and her kids pronto.

My advice? Don't take the words of an 18 year, spoken in a conflict situation too seriously.
He was in a corner. He wants this trip and your DD was making him feel guilty about it. He lacks the wisdom and social know how to reassure her that of course he loves her, of course you're family too, but having his bio parents together for the trip is special.
If you've been a family for ten years, one birthday and some badly chosen words in an argument doesn't redefine you.
Look at this with a mature eye as far as the DC are concerned and cut them slack.

Very well articulated, and so very true.

Time to stop supporting your step-children financially and to write a new will and leave all your assets to your children. You need to put your children first. And that includes before your wife.

Because he is...it's the very definition of celebrating a birthday the person being special and celebrated

What’s hurting you is your interpretation of the whole situation.
you feel sidelined, unappreciated, excluded, unimportant and unloved.
But a blended family is a complex thing. And what’s happened isn’t to do with you not being a good loving stepfather
You sound like you’ve been great.
This isn’t about you.
It’s the family dynamic of your wife and her children. She’s been torn in two and forced to choose.
she clearly loves you and tried to renegotiate a number of times with her kids. She was in a no-win situation.
The boy just wants to play happy families with blood family. IT DOESNT mean you’ve not done a good job. Drop that thought.
Enjoy your time with your children and welcome the others back in a week.
This will pass. It’s ok. Don’t let it break you.

Exactly
the OP seems to have had been living a completely different life to that of his children, step child and probably wife.

He feels sidelined and excluded because he is. His wife of 10 years is on a yacht trip with her ex and their children after telling him and his children that they are not actually family. Why on earth would he welcome her back?

No need to throw in the 'biological'. What's with that?
'Dad' 'Father' 'Parents' are all that's needed. That's what he/they are after all🙄

Absolutely nothing wrong with him wanting to celebrate with his parents. A nice dinner/drinks out together wouldn't be an issue. The dad took advantage and ran with it and your wife agreed to go. This is about her, NOT the 18 yr old. Most people would shut that shit down yet she didn't. Why?

Your dd 'confronting' him wasn't necessary and I could see how that's probably your influence. What was the point?

Anyway, I'd have no problem with a celebration drink/dinner between the parents but a weeks holiday together, not so much 🤷‍♀️