My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

Instead of excluding anyone, we planned a celebration that included everyone. My wife and her kids, my kids, my ex wife, her husband, and his kids were all invited, so no one was left out and everyone could celebrate together.

As it should be..... thank you for replying. I wish you well.

So many people here insisting that step parents/ siblings aren't family, that only blood 'counts'.

Would those same posters say the same about adoptive families?

Or is the rule
Adoptive = kind, caring, altruistic
Step = mean and selfish?

Adoptive parents don't adopt just out of the kindness of their hearts, they do it because they want children.

Posters assuming that, because the 18 year old is currently in a piss, it means he's never had a good relationship with those around him and resented every minute of his mum being married. Maybe. An alternative explanation is that teens spend a lot of time in a piss and sometimes saying hurtful things to their parents. This isn't necessarily any different.

Ok.... whatever you say !!! 😂😂😂

That's shit op and allowing young adult tonruke the roost . You're wife should of offered a reasonable compromise and refused the yacht trip on the grounds it's disrespectful to you and your marriage. Sounds to me like your step son might be pleased with sending a clear and hurtful message her and he's been facilitated by your wife's reluctantance to rock the boat and not upset him . That's manipulation and control. What he wanted was unreasonable and unrealistic 18 or not

What the hell is he going to want for his 21st I wonder......

Go on then, the smileys have persuaded me. This thread actually is about you after all.

Hi OP, please ignore all the snide and condescending comments about step families being bad. This is a really tough situation and it sounds like you handled it with grace. It sounds as though your step son and wife have been manipulated by her ex. I suppose your step son can be forgiven for being young and maybe feeling divided loyalties. Going forward my advice would be to continue to treat your step son with love and respect and do not allow yourself to be drawn into a war over this. Try to draw a line under it and ask your wife not to do this again. It is not acceptable that she has gone away on holiday with her ex without you and your children.

Just because it's his birthday, he doesn't get to call the shots. A whole week away with his mum holidaying with her ex husband without you is too much to ask. He sounds spoilt and the answer should have been no.

And did you do that against her stated wishes for a different type of celebration?

I get everyone saying “oh it’s his 18th and he wants his parents and siblings to himself”
BUT life isn’t about getting your own way, you can’t manipulate everyone to do what you want, even if it is your birthday!
Life is tough, we don’t all get everything we want in life… and I know LOTS of people who came from blended families who now they’re adults and been through divorce understand better because they’ve now remarried and blended their families!
OP’s wife was clearly manipulated by her ex and her children, but she should’ve said a firm no and refused to discuss it further… however maybe some of her wanting to go was concern for children being in the middle of the ocean and her ex not enforcing life jacket wearing, maybe ex booked this deliberately over the birthday knowing she didn’t want to be apart from her son on his 18th.. or maybe she just fancied a flashy holiday and sod her husband and step children!

I think when she returns, you need a couple of child free hours or days where you can sit and talk about how you feel OP, you need to tel her how this has upset you and that affected your view of the family and marriage…. Tell her she’s opened a can of worms as all the children will now want a week away with just their bio family, and tell her that if she intends to repeat this with her other two on their birthdays if asked to them you need to know now so you can decide whether this marriage is for you or not!
Ask her what happens when your children want to go away with just you, or maybe you and their mother?

Also I think you need to prepare now @Derkkk that this might not be limited to 18th birthdays…. The kids might decide to get married and not invite you and your children to their weddings, christenings etc… in fact it’s likely their father will try to manipulate the situation so you and your 3 will be left out of ALL big occasions, flashing his cash and making it sound conditional.. no doubt this cruise was conditional that it would only happen if mum agreed to come … making the kids desperate and relentless in their manipulation of mum to agree to come !!

You need an adult conversation about this though, because from what you’ve said the whole family still treat him like he’s still married to their daughter/sister etc and you’ve just put up with it to keep the peace and it’s been to your own detriment!!

And that’s lovely providing that’s what your daughter wanted.

If she just wanted a nice meal you, her mum and her full siblings would you have done that? or would you force her to have a get together she didn’t want.

Everyone here agrees the holiday is wrong. But a birthday party should be about the birthday person and what/who they want.

I’m surprised at how many harsh responses you’re receiving.
From what you’ve written in your OP it does sound like your DW’s ex has manipulated this situation. If he’s always wanted her back he could have been dripping ideas into the kids’ ears for years.
Going forward I’d hope your DW would support the kids in going on holiday with him to celebrate but to decline to go herself preferring to celebrate with the family you’ve made over the last 10yrs.
All the kids are old enough to take some responsibility for how they treat others and the lasting consequences of their behaviour. It’s a birthday. They do not need to put you and you and their mum in this situation to try and get their parents back together, it’s cruel.

Cut him out of your will now while you remember why. He’s an adult now; it’s time he discovers consequences.

Did you miss the bit about his dad being a millionaire?

I’ve got to say people make me laugh saying ‘parents remarry and FORCE their kids to live with STRANGERS’…
Every single person I know who has blended their family, didn’t just meet a new partner and move them and their children in together the next day…. It’s a gradual process, of dating then introducing the children on fun outings, Majority of families wouldn’t blend if the children did nothing but fight and argue every-time they got together… from the people I know who have divorced and remarried, the children all got on with their step parent and step siblings pretty well prior to all living together! They certainly weren’t strangers being forced to live under one roof! When relationships go south it’s always blamed on the lack of biology… but Christ lots of full siblings fall out, it’s just what happens in life..
I separated from my exH a few years ago and my DD has since said I should have done it years earlier…. If I had left sooner no doubt that would have been wrong.
I have stayed single.. by choice - and intend to stay single at least until my DD is a fully fledged adult. But that’s my decision and I’ve made it, not my DD… people who meet and remarry .. it’s unfair to claim they’re not putting their children first - I think most people choose to start dating again BECAUSE they have children and because they want their children to have a household with two incomes and a lifestyle where they can afford holidays etc.
I’ve chosen to stay single but it’s bloody lonely and financially very hard!! I have no one to vent to if I’ve had a bad day, if I’m having issues with my teenage DD or she’s sick, it’s all on me!…. She’s just been in hospital for 3 days and I was back and forth to hospital, feeding and walking dogs and cleaning out other pets…. Fetching clothes…
on prev stays when I was married to her DF, he came in everyday and bought me in a meal deal, brought in drinks, snacks, a costa coffee… sat beside her bed so I could go for a walk and stretch my legs.. I could talk to him about how tired I was, or upset, bounce ideas off him… ask his opinion… this last time was tough, I ended up leaving DD over night so the pets could all be looked after too, I hated leaving her but had no choice.
I totally understand why lots of people decide to meet someone else… single parenting is very isolating!

You’re naturally invested in your son’s feelings, but ultimately he can’t make the stepchildren view him as family if they don’t. Hopefully the feeling is mutual but, if your posts are anything to go by, they have no chance of expressing that without causing a massive drama.

Agreed

but name calling someone’s child a “cow” is not on @ElsieTannersCoat

It is all very well citing situations that work. Some do.

The issue here is that the DSS has said HE doesn't feel happy with the set up and what people are saying is that when the children in blended families are not happy with it, it is unfair to dismiss it as not being their place to express an opinion about it.

I mean the DD basically told him to shut up.

Agree with all you say. However OP says he’s been married to DW for 10’years and been in the son’s life about the same time, so perhaps in this case there wasn’t sufficient introductory time for that relationship to develop before it became a blended household.

Exactly. There's sufficient variation within blended families that some work amazingly, some appallingly and some inbetween. Most people get that. This is an example of one that hasn't been working as well as some of the people in it had previously thought and hoped.

It’s not been said

I’m not seeing that, it seems to me lots of people with step parents are saying they have either not viewed them as family, or actually disliked them. I’m sure also true for lots of adopted families. Look at the rise in adoptions breaking down and children being returned to care - hard to argue those parents are seeing the children as family.

duplicate

Agreed