My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

Where does it say he thinks he's special? Given that op didn't have a clue that SS doesn't regard him as family, it looks like he's been hiding it pretty well and rubbing along well with everyone for years.

I think I'm from a different planet from you but the notion of buying this for an 18th birthday seems alien and bizarre to me!

I would not be happy with this at all. I think your wife should have said no to the trip. She could have explained to her son that although she understands his desire to have a holiday with both his parents and his full siblings, it is not something she will do. A dinner or similar celebration would be fine, but a week together on a yacht playing happy families is not appropriate. It is insensitive to other family members (including you) and potentially puts her in a difficult position having to spend a week with her ex. Your SS may not regard you as his 'real family' and that's absolutely fine, but children in blended families can't expect the adults to pretend to be happy to spend a week's holiday together. Civility yes, cordial relations yes, but people separate or divorce for good reasons and life moves on. I would be very unhappy with your wife's decision making.

Wow! What a spoilt brat! Completely indulged on an industrial scale by both parents.

I would be mortified if my DS had behaved like this to a very decent, loving parent figure.

Ugh! Walk away from this shit show OP..and hope that he learns empathy and compassion from someone else along the way.

Perfect example of the attitude that creates these "blended" family shitfests.

I understand your POV.

I understand how your DSS feels.

What I can't get my head around is why your wife thought it was a good idea and went along with it.

This is on your wife.

I think YABU and YANBU!

YANBU because despite your own feelings, you haven't caused a huge scene or prevented anyone from doing what they are doing. But you have been honest about how you feel. That seems reasonably fair to me.

However, I think you are underestimating how much teenagers are ruled by the desire for parental approval. seems like his father's suggestion created a pressure on him as well as igniting a pretty understandable desire which he must have had since childhood, for his original family to be together and happy again. It could be a sort of rite of passage: before I become an adult, can I have one week back together with my original family. That's a pretty small ask.

I'd be more concerned that the week which should be all about him and celebrating his milestone birthday, will become all about his dad, and keeping the peace, so old tensions don't brew.

But YABVU by using this poor kid's birthday as an excuse to decide you are all no longer a proper family. They are away for one week! In your position, I'd work hard at de-escalating, and encourage your children to do the same. Just say: it is normal to sometimes want a bit of time with your blood relations. Doesn't mean you love the others any less. Let's not make him feel rubbish about his own birthday, especially as it was his dad's idea.

Send some friendly texts saying you love him (same to wife and his siblings) and genuinely hope they have a great time.

Blended families rarely work as well as the parents hope they do.

Most children would prefer for their parents to have stayed together and many including me don't think of the step-family in anywhere near the same as their biological family.

That's just the way it is a lot of the time.

I cared for my Step-Mum and step-sibs but we were never a family. She was my Dads wife and if she hadn't have died first, I would have kept in touch out of duty because that's what my Dad would have wanted but not because I thought of her as family.

If she hadn't been so insistent that we were a 'family' so I felt like I couldn't spend time with my Dad without her or her DC because she'd feel they were being excluded, I might have fonder feelings towards her but I don't.

I do think your DSS was unreasonable to want an entire holiday excluding you and your DC though. And the parents were unreasonable to go along with it. A meal out with just his family would have been enough.

He' thinks he's special because he didn't ask for a blended family. Nobody did. You just have to lump it.
You certainly don't demand your natural parents go away together. Not thinking of anyone else is he and the mother should have squashed it straight away.
As I said weird thread. Imagine if everyone whose parents had divorced acted like this.

It's not his fault that he has two families and he will understandably feel closer to his biological family.

Stop being so needy, stop pressuring your wife, let them enjoy the trip and celebrate with him and your kids when they get back.

This is awful and a bit ridiculous. Who goes on holiday with their ex?!

Your dw should have left him to it with his df and just had some other family celebration at home.

My mum and dad have been split for years now and they get on really well (if you saw them you’d think they were mates, would never guess they were married 40 years) but I wouldn’t expect them to be on a holiday together without my step mum/ step dad there…

On the other hand if I’d been offered a trip on a yatch at 18 I probably would have jumped at the chance regardless of consequences.

I think you guys need to move past this, it’s not worth blowing up 10 happy years over. It’s been handled badly but I don’t think there’s malicious intent.

I love my step mum and step dad and I’m very very lucky to have them, but they’re not my family. I think of them as dear friends really. I didn’t want another mum/dad and I’m glad they never tried to be that. I understand him wanting to spend time with his biological family at the end of the day. Our relationships with our step parents should change as we age. Yes when I was little, my step dad parented me (step mum was always much more hands off, but she wasn’t around till I was older) but now I’m an adult it’s not like that. He only really parented me to help my mum out and ensure me and my siblings were safe.

I think your stepson is allowed to feel what he feels. Blended families are hardest on the people who didnt get to choose them. That doesnt mean anyone has to go along with his ideas, birthday or not.
Your wife however is another kettle of fish. Im not sure on what planet she thought that this was an ok thing to agree to when youre married to someone else. But its certainly not normal behaviour. I suggest you go off and spend a week on a yacht with an ex and see how she feels about it. Really not on and I would be thinking seriously about my future with her. Does her ex husband also have a wife he is excluding for the week?

I do feel for you, but you don’t seem to be hearing that whilst it was all Happy Families and getting what you wanted for YOU, your stepson clearly wasn’t having that experience

You sound like an amazing stepfather and your stepchildren have no idea how lucky they are to have you in their lives.
I cant help but feel the dad had a bit of an anterior motive behind this event and knew it would cut deep for you.
I also feel that your wife should have put boundaries in place to protect your marriage and your feelings. A week long trip with her ex is not appropriate even if it is to celebrate an 18th birthday party. Jer ex knew this but took advantage of emotional blackmail. At the very least, wveryone should have been given the opportunity to celebrate it, even if it was just the day and then son/father spent a week together. Your DSS doesn't get to dictate how you live your lives and needs to accept that his bio mum and dad are not together and therefore life is different and always will be. They can be amicable for milestone events but thats it. Everyone expects the fairytale growing up but the reality of life is not as such.
I hope you're able to repair your relationship with your wife but I think a very long discussion on her return about how you move on from this is very much needed and at the very least, some couples therapy to help navigate it.

Was your wife included in the celebrations when your elder daughter hit 18?

I can understand why your DSS wanted this. And as a step parent, I would put him first and wish him well.

If I felt any angst, I would suck it up- because it isn't about me. It's about DSS.

Exactly. Not appropriate.

Your dw is the person here who is blurring the boundaries. She's a responsible adult and should have insisted that whilst she was prepared to have a party or similar a week on a yacht is a big no with the ex.
Of course your dss want his parents together but all this trip is doing is constructing a fairytale.
Op you're in a difficult position but I would be upset too.

The ex is an idiot and shouldn't have put his own son in that position, but he's always been positioning him since day one - there's no way a kid keeps up with the 'you're not my real dad' line for over 10 years unless someone's been consistently refreshing this thought. What an arsehole. The wife is being ridiculous. You can't go on a family holiday without your actual bloody family. She's allowed this rift. Now you can't trust her judgement.

What a horrible situation you're in. You've been treated like crap, and your kids have been treated like crap by their step mother. Everyone has ended up pandering to the ex. I wouldn't put up with a partner who continued to allow themselves, and me by extension, to be controlled by an obviously coercive ex. I certainly wouldn't share a bed with them.

The sons actually selfish and couldn't give a toss about his mother by trying to put her in this situation.

Wait till it happens to him if he gets married and divorced.

Your stepson may have to accept his parents' divorce and their remarriage, but he doesn't have to be delighted about it.

Adults often don't consider their children's feelings and pretend that children are "resilient" and are going to love living with unrelated people. If they were so resilient there wouldn't be a need for so many therapists.

I bet your wife and step kids have enjoyed you housing them, paying for them and carting them around, because I get the feeling that’s been the case, while Disney dad sails his yacht around fantasy island.

I understand why you feel the way you do and I understand why your DSS wanted this to happen although I think it was a bit unreasonable of him/them to put pressure on their mum after she said no. That said, what I don't get is why your wife agreed. I would have shut this down from the get go. A meal together fine but a whole week! I wonder if she feels bad that her kids didn't grow up with their parents together and that made her agree but it is weird (I am all for staying friendly with exes) and will likely be a bit tense and awful!

His feelings are valid just as yours. I would have a rethink about whether being in a blended family is in your children's best interests. I absolutely think your wife should have supported you here. Spending his 18th with the ex is fair enough but a week in such close quarters? I'd have said no had my children asked me. It is a special birthday but that lasts a day.

People will say don't do tit for tat however, I would not be spending on sc as you do with your own children. They've drawn a line in the sand and so should you.