My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

I guess it is hard because you thought it was all working perfectly but in fact it isn't.
You can't control your DSS emotions and how he feels about the split and the blended family. It clearly wasn't the happy story you thought it was.
It does not make either of you unreasonable. You did your best. DSS feels how he feels. Recollections may vary about how it has been growing up in this blended family.
So you've done the right thing. You've supported your wife and DSS to do this thing. It sounds awkward as hell and frankly nothing would induce me to spend a week on a yacht with my ex but that's just me.
You do something nice with your kids and I guess you have to pick yourselves up and carry on. Not much else you can do

I’m so sorry. You articulated that so well and I understand the hurt you must be feeling. I have a stepson and I know it would feel so awful. Unfortunately that is the situation- we blend families together and kids generally get little say, and while we may live harmoniously and happily sometimes some may never see us as truly family. I think how he went about it was hurtful - he is an adult now and should have the emotional maturity to consider your perspective too. My DP has a stepdad and he is more his dad than his biological one has ever been and he IS his family. It doesn’t always happen but obviously has here.
he’s still young - it certainly doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you, but I would be a little hurt too and worried about what this means.

Sorry, no advice here as I have no experience in blended families. But what gifts did you get your DSS? Mine is 18 soon and I’ve no ideas, and I’m usually good at buying gifts.

He is 18 years old and has been offered a yacht trip with his mum, dad and biological siblings.

Makes perfect sense to me.

You are his family but you are not his biological family. So if you are there it would mean his biological dad couldn't be as that would be awkward for an 18 year old.

So YABU. You are making this about you and turning it into an issue when it isn't an issue.

After 10 years it seems as if its you that hasnt got a grasp of the blended family bit.

But you have also projected this onto your daughter and caused a rift between the step kids.

I remember your previous thread. I know it’s easier to say than do but I would consider this marriage ending and I’d walk away from the lot of them and prioritise my own children and my own life.

This is 100% on your wife. She could have said to her DS that she’s not comfortable being on a yacht with her ex, and that it’s not appropriate. Full stop.

she hid information from you. I’d be very disappointed in her if I were you. I’d feel hurt and betrayed

maybe she will use this time to reflect on what she’s done. I hope so. I think you’re right tho, this will change your relationship going forward.

Blended families rarely live up to the hopes of optimistic parents OP however much hard work and love the adults put in. The blended family is not what DSS chose or wanted. It's hard to hear but best accepted. You did your best.

It's not great, but your dss has been honest with your dd. Blended families rarely are good for DC. They are forced to share space with people they didn't choose, because their df/dm met someone.

Your dss could definitely have handled it better, but it's sad don't you think, that he's felt this way for so long and only now saying it.

Does your DS have a car? I got mine a personal plate for his car. It’s something he can keep forever and it’s always going to remind him of me.

I think you're blowing this up into a bigger deal than it has to be, and this has rubbed off on your daughter too. I understand you feel left out, and you can't help feeling what you feel, but you should have been the bigger person here. I think part of being a step parent is accepting that there will be times when your spouse won't parent their kids the way you would have done, or the extended family won't have the same traditions or expectations you would have, etc. I think I'd chalk this up to one of those times. Don't turn his 18th into a sour memory.

Wow.

He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

He's absolutely right. You and your wife imposed this on him for your own selfish wants. And now that you finally realise how he feels, you're making it all about you and your feelings.

I think the adults in blended families often have a more rosy view of things than the kids. I see people in total denial about how the kids feel.

And that’s very lonely for the kids. You think they are just like your kids, you think they are siblings. But they aren’t. And forcing it makes it worse. Please talk to your DD about letting her stepbrother have his own feelings and wants. It’s controlling for everyone to tell him what he should want and feel.

He’s still young and finding his way. Let him find it. Stop trying to fit everyone into your neat boxes.

Let’s be real….Step families are all about kids making do with what their parents want. They are never what the kids really want deep down.

Most kids just want their parents to be together.

Sure, life doesn’t work out that way and you can all muddle along. The kids will adapt.

But don’t pretend any of the kids want it that way. It’s all about the adults life decisions. They didn’t ask for this.

That said op, the biological Dad sounds like a bit of an arsehole for creating this tension. And your wife didn’t have to go.

As a show of hands how about a thumbs up for anybody who WOULD NOT be happy if there husband decided to trot off on a weeks yacht trip with their ex wife.

You wife's exH is a devious, controlling cunt who has manipulated his kids and YOUR wife; I'd be questioning his motives, and I'd also be questioning very disappointed with your wife's attitude.

He has to understand his family is split and he can't just demand his mum goes away with her ex husband. This is really weird. She should have said her ground and he shouldn't have asked
Plenty of children and teens manage this. Weird thread..

It's a bald truth that many parents of blended families just don't want to hear that it's frequently not a happy family for the children involved.

They make the best of it, but they had no option but to be forced into a combined family. Their parents force it on them, like it or not. There's a lot of unexpressed tension in these situations.

I remember your earlier thread, OP. Your eldest stepson only regards you and his mum's husband and not his stepdad. That's painful, especially as you've put the work in to be a part of his life.

But ultimately that's his choice - you can't make someone regard you as family. Life isn't the Brady Bunch.

I think there are going to be some very fraught conversations between all eight of you when they return from this trip. Good luck.

OP, I completely understand your POV, but from your DSS’s POV, he has two actual parents, and just for once, he wants to see what it would be like to be with just them. I know it’s hurtful - I’ve been with my DH longer than I was married to my ex, but I know my DC tolerate my DH, even though he was with them as older DC and teenagers, and has been very good to them. Sadly, it’s just the way it is, and it’s not about you, it’s about your DSS and complicated feelings about family and “real” family and a sort of wistful idealistic view of what it might all have been like (which it never would have been). Your DW has done her best to keep the peace by suggesting alternatives that were rejected by the DC: in the end, she has appeased her son at risk of upsetting you. You and your DW might like to think that you’re all just as much family as your ex’s: in truth, you’re not and never can be. Children are very loyal to their parents, which is what makes blended families so difficult. We might have fallen out with an ex-spouse, but they are and remain the DC’s beloved parent.

Lots dint ask for a blended family but that's the way it's gone now tough. Why does he think he's so special..

I don’t blame you op. I would hate this.

Your wife should have recognised that it was inappropriate, regardless of her son turning 18. He's more than old enough to understand. I get on really well with my ex too, but I would never spend a week away with him because it's simply not appropriate when you've remarried.

Sorry, this is on your wife. She should have just said ‘no’. All the DC are old enough to understand the biological family isn’t a unit any more. Spend time with Dad, spend time with Mum. They are no longer a couple and together isn’t an option.

Your wife lying that it was exDHs idea all along is the worst bit.

I'd seriously question the marriage too.

Because it’s his 18th birthday? Which is a time you are treated as special. Even if the last ten years have been everyone else’s time to get what they want.

As for PP asking who’d be happy with their DH going off for a week with their ex? Hands up who would be happy to be forced into living with 4 additional people you didn’t choose for ten years? I’d pick the first one.