My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

🤦‍♀️ Time and a place, seriously! The man is pouring his heart out at what’s looking like the breakdown of what he thought was his family. He’s probably not going to be up for giving out tips for presents!

OP, I think that @LilacHam has written a very good post. You might have all rubbed along well over the time you’ve lived together, but many step children will never think of the step parent as much more than their parent’s partner.

I think that a large part of this should be on your wife. Eighteenth birthdays might be special, but not so special that they take precedence over a marriage. When your step children told her that this was how they envisioned spending the birthday, she should have told them that she was very sorry about that, but that she didn’t have a relationship with their father anymore so the children needed to accept that that was never going to happen.

I think the yacht thing makes it worse.

a hotel where they have more space, separate rooms etc I could maybe understand. Plus you could all have gone.

a yacht? Unless the ex is ridiculously rich it’s going to be very cramped for 5 people, and rooms will need to be shared?

haha I don't think you know what a yacht is these days, its not a dinky little boat, its like a 3 floor hotel on water, with staff etc

If it was my wife I’d never be able to trust her again and would be getting the ducks in a row while she’s away.
I’d also make it clear to DSS that he’s 18 now and needs to look for somewhere else to live because he’s obviously unhappy in the family home. Maybe he can go and live with his real dad.
Your wife’s ex and the DSS must really hate her to put her through this in the knowledge that he’s breaking up her new family although equally she’s as weak as water to go along with it…

@Netcurtainnellyyou do know you don’t need to copy the entire OP to reply? mystified why anyone does this esp a long one 🙄

your view is…

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

His view is not that and instead

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad.

Leave. Him. Be.

Sorry but there is no way I would do this to my current husband and I am someone who has a really good relationship with my children's dad. Absolutely zero chance we'd go on a trip together. The exH is very manipulative and obviously still wants your wife. Your wife is either very weak or very foolish. I'd be fuming in your shoes.

I wouldn't like my dh going away with his ex at all.

But maybe your stepson feels you dont respect his father. You call him his biological father (and his biological parents) rather than just calling him his dad etc.

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

what was this thread about?

It was deleted my HQ for breaking talk guidelines 🤔

I remember your earlier thread. I'm sorry this has all come to pass and how incredibly hurtful this has been both for you and your DC. The new piece of info which stood out for me though is this: we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included.

So this wasn't actually your stepson's idea at all - it was his DF's. Your DW's ex-husband has basically thrown a bomb into your marriage, he did it deliberately and your DW has gone along with it. Now that would be a major problem, if I was sitting where you are. I'm not saying that you should allow this man to shit-stir and cause your marriage to fail, because maybe that's exactly what he wants, but holy shit! That is a baaaad!

A whole week on a yacht with an ex!! 😂😂😂 that’s going to be an absolute disaster. As someone who sails, I wouldn’t even spend a full week stuck on a yacht with my own family!! Just be patient and see how it goes before giving your wife any ultimatums.

Your wife should have told her son she is happy to spend his birthday with him but her and his father are no longer together and a weeks holiday is not acceptable. They are no
longer a family as such others are involved and things have moved on

It’s a one off. The 18th has a point. It wasn’t your daughter’s place to bring this up with him.
Sometimes children blended families don’t feel like they have a place, exactly the way you are feeling now.
He was surely entitled to his own birthday with his parents as a one off in a decade.
Children in blending families don’t have a lot of choice in who they have to live with.
Look at it from a mature perspective.

I am so sorry @Derkkk and l have to say l don't blame you feeling like an outsider. I am afraid it wouldn't have been tolerated in my family .l do feel your wife had no business going .

Your DH going on a yacht trip with his ex wouldn’t be a big deal to you? 😂 yeah, right.

It’s not a one off though is it.

there’s two more 18ths, then three 21sts, then weddings, baptisms, other family life events.

if the wife and kids want to exclude o/p and his kids on this occasion, it sets a precedent and I can’t see them being invited anywhere they want their mum and dad together…

Your step son is a spoilt brat - at 18 you are old enough to take other people’s feelings into consideration. This plan was quite clearly divisive and frankly unpleasant. Your wife is weak and has made plain your value to her - I’m so very sorry, I think there really isn’t any coming back from this. I really hope you & your kids can find some fun in the days you are away and then move on.

Why? If the ex is a yacht holiday type, its more likely the wife left the marriage with money/house etc and the OP moved his three kids into her house from a cramped 2 bed flat…she could be a hedge funder, OP a terminally unemployed. You’ve literally no idea of their financial set up!

You say a lot about how you lived as one family, your DC considered them siblings, all of that, but somewhere in there and doubtless with the best of intentions, you've brushed over the fact that you're not one family, they're not your DC, they aren't siblings. It's good to love them and treat each other well, but they have a mother and father, you're the step-father and they are step-siblings. To not acknowledge there's any difference and to imagine all the DC feel how you want them to is extremely blinkered. No wonder it hurts now that you're forced to realise this in upsetting circumstances. It wouldn't be such a shock if you'd been more grounded throughout and had fairer expectations.

Don't go to the other extreme now, going from we're all one family to it's over. Try to diffuse things by understanding the DCs' feelings and how they don't follow your own just because you want them to and have acted in certain ways. The more open and understanding you can be, the more chance this has of healing. But if you focus on the divide now, it will only widen. Accept first and foremost that you are and always have been a blended family and that's always a work-in-progress, a negotiation as you go, never a done deal. You took it for granted on the surface but it didn't take a lot to expose the fissures beneath, and this birthday situation forced it to crack open. I think what your step-son said was honest and understandable and has probably been bottled up a long time.

But if you'd not pushed and let him enjoy his big birthday without yet another compromise for the blended family, even as he becomes an adult, it might have carried on fine and matured into something better for everyone. That could still happen if this situation is diffused and the focus is on understanding not hurt and blame. There will be a lot of love there, take that for what it is and don't compare it to what he'll have for his dad because that will always be different. If you're honest with yourself, I doubt you truly feel the same for him as you do for your 3 DC, and there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that. It's more secure to do so and build from that more honest basis, reforging a relationship based on what is, not what you want it to be because you married his mum and want it to work.

Your wife shouldn't have gone.

I don't believe for a minute those who thought the OP was somehow out of line or should suck it up would happily accept their other half going off for a week on a yacht playing happy families with their ex over ten years after they split up.

The stepson is allowed to feel as he does but he is not allowed to call the shot. He's 18, not 8, and this second marriage isn't recent.

OP, you've behaved absolutely the right way but I'd be having some serious discussions with your wife when she's back about boundaries in future. In your shoes I'd certainly be concerned about what happens at the next step child's 18th. Is the same thing going to happen again? I suspect so, as step child will be "but you did it for my brother, you have to do this for me". Your wife has set a bad precedent here.

Nah! There is absolutely no way this would be happening !!

in your shoes I would have been saying that this would be the end of our marriage.

I would NEVER go on a holiday with my ex husband…. If he planned a holiday for my daughters 18th I would be telling my children that my new husband (I don’t even have a new 1 but still understand this) that he goes alone with the kids OR my husband comes too!

Your wife is the problem here, she’s the parent and should have TOLD the kids she isn’t going… they can complain as much as they like, SHE ISNT WITH THEIR BIO DAD ANYMORE … and she should have made that very very clear from the first time the trip was mentioned… we aren’t a family anymore…. I am not with your dad anymore… this trip isn’t happening with me and your dad together !! End of story!! No further discussion… period!!!

any further attempts to emotionally blackmail her into going should have been nipped in the bud with her telling him outright that this manipulative behaviour wasn’t acceptable and that he needed to respect that people do not go on holiday with their ex husbands when they are remarried and have a new family dynamic…. He may not have asked for a blended family but his parents decided to split up over 10 years ago and that’s just how it is…. People don’t play happy families and go away together…. Standing in a photo together for his wedding is just about acceptable as a request… holidaying together… absolutely not!!

Has the dad also got a new partner? I can’t imagine a woman being happy with her husband going on holiday with his ex and mother to their 3 children! I can’t imagine your wife being happy with you and your 3 kids going away with your children’s mother?!?

I would guess that now this has happened the 2 younger children will also expevt this, and because she did it for her first born she can’t really say no to the younger 2!!

and what if your 3 turn round and want you and their bio mum to go on holiday together for thier 18th’s???

Why would his DF want to spend time with his ex husband and step children. It’s not a free for all. This blended family of 6 children is bound to cause stress and some time out with biological is okay.
The other children might not choose to do the same, this child has, he has shared his mother and his home since he was 8 years old with 3 other children and a step dad. He didn’t choose this.

Its 100% obvious it was the biological dad's idea, 100%

what a douche.