My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

It might be hard to hear but your stepson has a point, he didn’t ask for a blended family.

Agree with this and @AnneLovesGilbert

I’d end the marriage at this point. So sorry @Derkkk

And that would be fine for a celebratory birthday day/evening/..even weekend. But on a yacht for a whole week? No way.

However, it is done now. You may find that your DSSs fairytale birthday may not be all that he thinks it will be. His dad may show his true colours, the reasons for his parents’ divorce may become very apparent, or forcing a ‘real’ family back together on a boat for a whole week might result in some difficult family dynamics given these people aren’t used to living in close quarters with each other.

@Derkkk - I would remain dignified, see how everyone is when they come back and arrange for a private discussion with your DW when she’s back.

WTF??

why are people on here such dickheads!

as a side note - hopefully OP took the gifts back and got a refund! Call me petty but I wouldn’t be spending another penny on this kid… I’d tell him he’s 18 now, an adult now… and he can ask his real dad!

I did with my new guy and 16 years together ex...Berlin ...they were my closest friends ...it was uncontroversial...not all splits are hate filled

No I didn't say it's not a big deal, but I think OP is making it bigger by saying it doesn't feel like they're a family any more etc. They're exactly the same blended family they were before, with some biological relationships and some step relationships. I agree that the biggest issue is with the wife.

...and prove DSS right? That you were never truly a loving parent

This is right OP. You have to find a way to accept that your position on the recent past isn't the only position, and that this child - child - views things differently. And precisely because they ARE a child, you need to put their feelings first here.

It doesn't matter what the bio dad planned or did - we don't know his motives, and it may well be because he knew his son's true feelings. But even if they are nefarious motives, it doesn't matter - your wife is your wife, but if a week's stay on a yacht is enough to pull her away from you, the relationship simply wasn't strong enough to survive anyway, however it feels to you.

The realisation that there are many different truths in any given situation is one of the most important aspects of becoming a mature adult.

If I remember rightly the ex DH was a big earner who was happy to flash his money to impress his DC, I don't think he'd be above suggesting a big holiday for just the original family, especially if it annoyed the Op. As a pp pointed out Op there's still two more DSC below 18, you're unhappy about this holiday but things will be much worse if they want to do the same thing.
I know you're really upset Op, you thought after 10 years of putting your time, care and money into your DSC they'd feel something for you in return, I expect they do but not the way you hoped.
Before you do something you might regret I'd wait until your DW comes back and see how things are then. If she comes back and says never again, that was awful, then things could smooth out but if she comes back having had a wonderful time that's a worry.

The step son likely would be happy to never see his step father again. Clearly he doesn’t view the family as the OP does

Dwife has a lot to answer for here. Not only is going on holiday with an ex completely inappropriate when you are remarried it’s really unhelpful to the children too. She may feel she’s keeping her son happy but creating some idea of a happy family that doesn’t exist isn’t ok for kids. Even an 18 year old can be holding out hope deep down that their parents will get back together. This should be shut down, not encouraged

I am married to a people pleaser “Disney dad” who will do anything for his kids. But even he would draw the line at excluding his wife and second family. Your wife is very wrong to have gone. And for your stepson to say the words “actual family” to your child is pure nastiness. It’s showing he resents you all. That may be, but your wife should have said to her son “I know it’s what you want, but that’s not our situation now”.

I’m sorry but I’m not surprised you’re upset.. I’d be absolutely furious with my dh and I don’t know if I’d be able to come back from that.

Shocked 😦. Young people can be selfish but most of them grow up okay given the correct environment. Your wife on the other hand is supposedly an adult. Her ex husband threw a grenade into her marriage and instead of lobbing it back at him she picked it up and put it in the microwave. Sorry OP. This does not bode well for the future. Some counselling might help you come to terms with what's happening but individual only. Best of luck.

Your wife's ex is having the time of his life knowing he's manipulated his ex and thrown a grenade into your marriage. The fact his children are caught up in it probably hasn't registered but if he's put a wedge in between you and your kids and his kids, that's a bonus.

18th birthdays are special, but I’m not so sure they are so important that it means you get to do what you want to without considering others.
I feel for your wife, being cooped up on a yacht with her ex husband for any length of time, unless they’ve managed to stay amazingly good friends throughout their time apart.
It will feel odd when they get back and will probably never quite feel as it was because you are now aware that how you perceived your blended family to be, isn’t how it’s felt by everyone.
I think you need to sit down with your own children and have an honest conversation about how they feel, do they really want to be part of a blended family. They are of an age where you could probably separate the households for a while to give everyone some space and still spend a lot of time together.
Ultimately I think your wife should have refused to entertain the idea, i’m not sure how you can get back to ‘normal’ on their return.

My lovely ex used to come on the big house / cottage get together my parents booked for all the siblings ...because in our family they still regard him as a son. That continues through 2 subsequent serious and long term relationships. He's an uncontroversial one of the family. My current partner could only come for the first weekend..my ex was their for the rest of the week no problem at all

Not every situation is drama, relationships end...friendship can endure

He's not wrong though, is he? He didn't ask for this blended family and given the ages of all of the children when you married and moved in together, this would have impacted significantly. It goes from mum and 3 children to mum, stepdad and 6 children. Even though you paint a picture of a happy blended family, there must have been issues and hiccups along the way, bring 6 children together under one roof. What were these and how were they dealt with? What about your childrens mum, you don't mention her so wonder if she's in the picture at all or were you a full-time single dad? This might be why it lands differently for you/your DC - if they only have one family to consider whereas stepson has two.

There are ten people across two nuclear families. There will be ten different opinions / viewpoints / experiences / sets of feelings, even after ten years and even after time spent living under the same roof (some of you). I think you’ve been naive in the extreme to expect six children to all feel the same way about a blended family, specifically to feel the way you want them to feel for the sake of your relationship with your wife. Your DSS is completely justified in saying this wasn’t his choice. Sorry OP, I think you’re entirely in the wrong here.

I don’t know anyone with step parents who is really bonded with them. They are polite and nice but only to be nice to their actual parent. Having said that, I’ve got friends with step children who don’t like them much but make the best of the situation.

it’s a delusion to think it’s all fine. It definitely isn’t. There’s nothing like family, like it or not.
Your wife feels guilty so she’s trying to make it up to her son. That’s natural.

Nothing wrong with the daughter telling him how she felt. If he's entitled to his feelings then so is she.

100% this!!
This is a wife issue and if I did this I would be fully expecting to come home to my bags packed!

I do hope @Derkkk takes his children somewhere amazing - he needs to book a holiday somewhere now, just him and his 3 bio children and go… it’s half the price without his wife and step kids so could take his ‘actual family’ on a holiday of a lifetime!

My parents split when I was 17, my brother 16. They have not spoken since. I’m nearly 50. There have been 3 occasions where they have been in the same room (2 graduations and a wedding). This had to be handled.

I would be over the moon for one special event with them both.

He may not have asked for a blended family but that’s what he’s got. That’s his reality. He doesn’t get to dictate and exclude his stepfather using the excuse of his 18th unless there has been any type of abuse. When he has a family of his own one day, he gets to dictate the dynamics.

This sums it up. Really you should have stopped this from becoming a big family argument. If anything you are pushing them all further away with your behaviour and your daughters. Making his birthday into all about what you had planned.

I think you have to let it go. As a parent you have no perception of how all the children in your blended family actually feel because your experience is yours alone. He's a kid who wants both of his parents together. I think most children would feel the same. Accept it and act like an adult. Stop dwelling on what you can't change.