My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

I agree with this. The wife has allowed this situation to evolve. She should have been firm that DS could go do something with his father and that she would do something separately. Tbh I think @Derkkk you have a DWife problem. I’m not sure my marriage would recover from this, personally, which is no doubt what DSS and Ex want, but the fact that this would be the outcome is purely the wife’s fault. I do wish OP all the best in trying to be the bigger person here. I know I don’t possess the magnanimity to do this myself.

I wonder if the father has been working on him maybe??

This is just a rubbish situation for you & your children, and I emphasise, however you need to accept that when adults decide to blend families the children eventually become adults themselves and no longer have to participate in playing “happy families”.

I grew up in a blended family, similar to what you describe; holidays, one house, Christmases…. Since I’ve grown I no longer feel or want my step siblings/step grandparents in my life to the level I was previously forced (and yes it is forcing) in the past, this has been incredibly difficult for my mother who on reflection felt like she’d achieved the “blended” family she craved

Bear in mind you’ll be going through all this twice more with the younger kids.

honestly I think I’d question the marriage too. They’re going off playing happy families, and I’m not sure that’s in the children’s best interest either.

Your wife should have said no. I wouldn’t be able to forgive her.

I think you’ve handled this well and there’s not much else you can do about it for now. Try not to think too far ahead or catastrophise and just see how things proceed. For this week look after yourself and your DC and have a fun trip. Things will develop and you just have to sit with the unknown for now as hard as that is.

I think the ex H is the main one at fault here. DSS is being a bit of an emotionally dense/ selfish teen. It sounds like he may be parroting what ex H has said and the pressure for the “nuclear family” holiday is coming from him and he has engineered this situation where your wife is between a rock and a hard place. I read your other thread but can’t remember - how is he in general with the whole situation?

This, they've told you after 10 years you're not actually family and never will be. They've told your daughter as well. Everyone knows where they stand now. Stop wasting everyone's time and make a clean break. Also your wife going away for a week with her ex is diabolical, guessing he's single now or his other half isn't on the "family" trip.

The ex husband is behind all of this and likely been drip feeding “actual” and “real” family for the last decade.

I think your wife made the wrong decisions.

This. In these situations the adults always think the blended family is happier than it is - because they, the adults, are happy and want to believe the kids are too because it suits their narrative better.

You are spoiling things for you step son’s 18th

leave him be.

You are definitely not the unreasonable person in this situation.
I would be absolutely furious and possibly end my marriage over this if my husband went on holiday with his children and ex wife. Although it would never happen as they despise each other.
The 18 year old must know how hurtful this is and your wife going along with this is unbelievable.
I love my step children very much and they would never suggest this.
Yes, put your children first but this is just manipulative.
So sorry OP.

Did your wife leave her ex for you? I’m wondering whether the ex harbours resentment that you’ve got to play happy families with his kids and has been looking for an opportunity to destabilise your family? Either way, I don’t know why your wife agreed to go on a week long trip with him. It seems a bit much when she’s married to you.

Your DSS has now been shitty to your DD, your wife has allowed this and now they aren't talking. Your wife and stepkids have no doubt shat over your children, now you know you need to divorce. The blending has only been a positive impact on your wife and her kids. If you dont see that your daughter has more backbone and morals than them then you will lose your kids one day. Feck that, protect your children x

I remember your first thread. And I’m very disappointed to hear that your wife went on the trip. I think she bears a lot of responsibility here.

She should have told the children that she would not be going. I believe that giving in to kids’ demands all the time is very unhealthy. I acknowledge that kids in blended families have to put up with a lot.

But that is the way of life. Rarely do adults get everything their own way. This could have been a good life lesson for your wife to give the kids.

You sound like a great dad & stepdad and you’ve given your all to make your blended family happy.

I guess you and your wife have a lot to talk about when she gets home.

As they say, you have a wife problem.

She had the option to firmly decline this.

Dss wouldnt have got his birthday wish. I dont blame him for this, but wonder what made him think this was a reasonable thing to ask for. Its an astonishing request. Lots of kids want their parents back together, it doesnt happen.

Welcome to life.

This is so strange. Going away playing happy families. The youngest two will barely remember when their mum and biological dad were together. They would have been younger than 5 and 3 if the eldest was 7 when the OP married their mum.

I haven't read the previous thread but why did they divorce? Sounds like the ex husband has arranged this. I wouldn't be happy.

Your stepson and wife have behaved really badly. It’s bloody weird to go on holiday with your ex-husband and your stepson is old enough to understand that. Your wife shouldn’t be hiding important information from you either.

I know it is easier said than done but I’d be seriously considering separation. You have been very clearly told you aren’t family so I’m not sure how there’s much of a marriage left to save. And I wouldn’t have my daughter living with someone who told her she’s no real family either.

I think his daughter is old enough to make her own mind up and neither she or her father are being unreasonable.

I just want to say I'm really sorry this happened. I think it's outrageous behavior. Your wife should not have gone, and as primary custodian of her other 2 kids, they should not have gone either. This is all about her eldest aging out and becoming a legal adult. Its a shame he chose that moment to act like an enormous man child.

I have no suggestions. I think you've been dignified, that's all you can do.

Well, that made writing your will easier. Jokes aside, he is 18, he will realise when he is older, what a mistake he made.

And well done you for staying calm and respectful. He will remember that when he's older, as well.

Apparently there used to be support for children whose families broke up in schools decades ago? Maybe teachers on here can confirm if this was true, because there doesn't seem to be any now (some of my children's classmates have suffered this and got no help either at the divorce or when their parents started blending families)? But as it's got much more common, surely there is some therapy available, OP, that you could look into? For you all.

These types of replies are ridiculous!
The parents split up 10 years ago, in no 'real' world is demanding/dictating your biological parents spend a week together regardless of if the have remarried or have a good relationship a reasonable request.
My DS has always and will always come first regardless of age but fuck that request! Yeah to going away just the Mum and siblings but with the ex husband totally unreasonable
You are not being needy and you haven't pressured from what you say OP. your adult daughter is understandably hurt.
I'm sorry to say I think this will have a huge negative effect on your 'family' going forward and even your feelings for you wife, I know if DH pulled something like this I would lose all respect that he didn't respect our marriage.

Exactly this.

I wonder if where OP went so wrong is that he and his wife have 6 children between them and have done 'everything as a family' for 10 years.

My Step-Mum insisted on that and it led to lots of resentment because sometimes I would have wanted to just do something with my Dad or with my Dad and brother but no, we were a 'family' now so her DC were always included.

She'd hate it if my Grandparents made me and my brother feel special, she always wanted her DC to be treated the same by MY family so they didn't feel different.

I haven't spoken to my step-sibs since she died and can't say I cried a tear when she died even though she'd been in my life 35 years.

You need to end this marriage. They are all blatantly mocking you. TEACH your children not to be doormats.
If you stay married after this then you need to keep your head down and suck it up because you are actively choosing to be disrespected.
BTW, if I was your wife I wouldn't have even entertained this. It would not have been an option.
I would be arranging a separation for her return.

It may have been hard to hear but have you considered this from your stepson's point of view? He didn't ask for his parents to split up, he didn't ask to have a new stepfather introduced into his life and new stepsiblings also. He didn't ask to live in a blended family. He wasn't given a choice in any of this, and he's made the best of it.

Just because you feel that you treat all the children the same, it doesn't follow that your stepson feels the same way. And if you're really honest, if push came to shove, you would put your own children's needs before your partner's children - that's just human nature. This is what your wife is doing - I doubt very much she wants to spend a week on a yacht with her ex-husband - she's doing it for her children.